Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/12/2012

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dr Neder,

I was hoping that you could give me some good advice on the situation that I am trying to deal with right now.  

Currently I am trying to figure out how to get back with this girl that I had a semi relationship with once.

Several months ago I dated this girl and I ended up really liking her.  At first she was really into me and I was only going along for the ride.  She wanted more from the relationship than I could give.  She tried to get me to meet her friends and family, I guess to solidify our relationship.  I was not interested in anything serious or official, so I turned down her efforts to include me in her life.

we dated for about 3 or 4 months before she gave up/got bored. Before she broke things off I started to really like her, and considered actually making this a real relationship.  But right around the time I made this decision she had already given up on the idea of us.  She stopped wanting to see me and eventually stopped returning my phone calls.

I decided to just drop it and move on.  We haven't really seen eachother or spoken in several months.  At the beginning  of of this semester I feel that she was dancing around the idea of getting back together because she tried to get together with me on a few occasions through a friend.  I was pissed at the time because I consider it extremely rude that she broke up with me by not answering my calls.  So I ignored her.

I have since been dating around and having fun with all kinds of women (thanks to your books).  But I have always been thinking of how to get back with her.  I really miss spending time with her and decided that I would really like to get back together with her and start a real relationship.  I had heard a while back that she got back with her ex.  She originally broke up with her ex so she could date me.  Once she realized that I wasn't going to make a move I guess she went back to him.  

Now its official, she is back with her ex as I saw her relation status update on facebook.  I want to make sure you know that I don't just want her back because of my ego and im jealous of her being back with her ex.  I genuinely want her back.  Its just now that she's officially back with her ex I am feeling more unsure about how to get her back, hence why I am asking for your help.

School starts up again in about a week or so.  I don't know when I will see her again, maybe soon or maybe a month down the road.

What should I do to get her back?  call her?  wait to run into her? or do you think that the fact she is back with her ex is reason enough for me to give up?

Her friends seem to really like me, so maybe I could tell them about how I feel?  idk.

I need help, and I am willing to follow your advice because what I learned from BAM 1 & 2 has done wonders for me thus far.  I can easily get the women I want now when before I was unable to speak to them.  Now I need your help getting a girl that I have already lost once.

ANSWER: Hello Alex!

In my second book, (BAM2) I talk a bit about getting back with an ex. However, I don't get into it in great depth. You know why? Well, first, there is so much more to talk about! However, the other reason is that in fact, you often shouldn't get back with them.

You need to really think about this: are you interested in getting back with her because she's the right girl for you, or because your ego was bruised by her ending things and you are trying to save it now? That's a very serious question! Frankly, I fully believe this is about your ego, NOT that she's "right" for you.

Just imagine getting back together with her. Sure, it'll be fun for a few weeks or even months, but then, you'll be right back to where you were before and you'll be looking for the closest exit. Remember: being "comfortable" isn't the same as being in love - or even in "like".

Alex, what has changed in you over the past few months? Think about that. Can you pinpoint SPECIFIC things that have changed or grown in you that now make you the right partner for her? What has changed in you that now makes her the right partner for you? Ultimately, isn't this just settling for some that wasn't right in the beginning?

I'm really trying to help you here. I don't want to help you get back with her only then to have you find you wish you hadn't.

You should also know that throwing a few techniques at you isn't going to help you much. This is something I've helped a number of guys do, but it's always a "progressive" thing that I do via personal coaching with someone.

We first get into the question I've just asked you. They need to really know they want this person and clearly and specifically why. We'll often spend at least an hour and sometimes two just covering that single question! Many guys find out (as I think you will) that the girl really isn't a good choice for them and they instead set new goals and go out to find that new girl.

If on the odd chance they have changed/grown significantly to where that girl actually IS the right person for them, THEN AND ONLY THEN do we move forward.

So my brother, you have a lot of 'splanin' to do. Think about this question. Really give it some time and thought and come up with some clear, specific reasons why you think this is a good idea. If you still feel the same way you do now, get back to me. I'll also recommend we go to voice rather than trying to do this via this messaging system.

If you still feel the same way, I'll help you. If not, I've just saved you a ton of time, energy and emotion.

You're welcome.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producer of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I have decided that I do in fact wish to make an attempt at getting her back.  

I will not deny that my ego was not bruised, because it was.  But that is not the only reason I want her back.

The reasons are:  1.  She is one of the most interesting women I have every met.  2.  she inspires me to excel in every aspect of my life.  3.  Although I was not ready for an exclusive relation with her before, I am now.

Let me explain.  When we were dating I was not looking for anything serious.  I had just gotten out of a relationship that ended very painfully and left me heart broken for months.  I was also dealing with the death of my grandmother, as well as just some personal self confidence issues.  in the past few months I have grown tremendously as a person.  I have gotten over my ex, I am out there doing exiting new things with new people.  My life has never been full of so many amazing people as it is now.

Also my ability to approach and get women that I want has improved greatly as well.  I used to be really shy around girls I liked.  I was that kid in grade school that would ALWAYS get friend zoned. Now after reading your books, and finding things in my life that make me happy and confident I am now easily able to pick up women.  I jump at every chance I get when I meet a girl I like, when before I would just watch the opportunity pass me by.

This is my reason.  I have grown into a person who sets the bar high.  This here, this change is why I should get back with her.  Before I was not in any condition to be dating anyone.  Now I am the man that she wanted me to be and would be ready to take the steps I refused to before.

I have been dating around a lot for the past several months, but this girl remains the only one I would want to call my girl friend.

Answer
Hello again Alex!

Of your 3 reasons, only one of them is about you. Even more, it's not specific enough. WHAT now makes you ready for an exclusive relationship and why with her?

Healing (as you explained) is about coming back to where you were - not growing or changing.

Alex, look: I can throw technique at you all day long. Unfortunately, that's a complete, utter waste of both our time. It's not only about technique, it's about all the other things!

I'm not trying to convince you that she's not the right girl for you, but I want to help you make sure that she is. If you get back with her, it's going to either be the greatest thing you've ever experience in your life, or the worst. I'm not in the business to make guy's lives worse!

Go to the website and get some personal coaching time. Let's get into this and see where I can help you - either to get this girl, or to keep from getting your ass kicked.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producer of "BAM! TV"