How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams/attracting a colleague

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QUESTION: Hi Dennis,

My name is Nicholas.  I am 33 years old and a little shy with asking girls out.  I work part time as an instructor at a graduate school.  I am attracted to a new instructor (who I also liked when she was a student).  She is 25 and broke up about two months ago from a relationship that lasted over a year.  Her reason was that she did not think it was developing into something serious/long term.  Most of that time was spent in a long distance relationship because she was in another state at a one year post graduate program.   

We have become friends, and often banter with each other.  We also go out together in small groups with other instructors.  I was going to ask her out, but one of my other colleagues told me she said she "did not want to date or be involved with anyone right now."  I found out this was because another guy (who also is an instructor, but in a different department) had started talking to her.  It may be a coincidence, but he began contacting her right about the time she broke off her prior relationship.  

I decided to take things slow and casual.  Last Friday, I was going to be in her area and asked if she wanted to have dinner.  She did say yes, but was not going to get off from work until after 7pm.  Since I was off at 4pm, I did not feel like waiting, and we felt it would be better to reschedule.  

I have recently discovered that she started dating that guy about two weeks ago.  This news was very confusing to me.  So my question is about your thoughts on proceeding from here.  Is this a "rebound thing."  If so, should I continue forward to try spending time alone with her, eventually letting her know about my intentions (since I am not supposed to know she is dating).  Should I just let this go and move on.  

Thanks for your time,
Nicholas

ANSWER: Hello Nicholas!

First of all, I don't believe in "rebound relationships" at all. It seems like a perfectly reasonable situation but in fact, people end relationships a myriad of reasons. They also start dating and get into new relationships for just as many - none of which happen because of rebound situations.

It's not your job to decide who is a better choice for her to date - you or this other instructor. That's her job. Your job is to give her the choice. She accepted a dinner-date with you and that's really all you need to move forward.

Dating isn't the same as being in a committed relationship. Just because she's gone out with someone doesn't mean that she's not interested in finding the right match for her. Regardless of what your other colleague said, do you really think that she wouldn't want to spend time with a great guy that is a good match for her? Do you really think she wouldn't fall for someone like that? In fact, people say things all the time because they think it's "right" and then, they do the exact opposite. We even have an entire profession built around that fact. It's called "politics"; but, I digress...

So, bottom line: no, you shouldn't just let this go. You should set up that dinner date, go pick her up, pour on the charm and have a great time. Then, before the date is over, set up the next one. Let her decide what's best for her life.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III"
Producer of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dennis,

Thanks for your advice.  It has been about 2 weeks, and I wanted to give you an update, and ask again for your opinion.

About 2 weeks ago on Wednesday night, I called her to reschedule the dinner date.  She answered, but said she was busy and would call back.  She never did, but sent a text later that night saying she was discussing something important with her parents, and would talk to me at school the next day.  Unfortunately, she did not come in to teach, saying there was "a family issue."  I sent a text later asking if she was alright, and also if she was still up for getting together.  Her reply was that she was “ok, but the weekend was bad, so how about next weekend” (she seems to prefer texting).

I gave her some space and then decided to call her this past Wednesday, leaving a message asking about dinner.  It is now Sunday evening, and I still have not heard back.  

My question is should I call or text her now, and see what is going on?  Since we teach together on Thursdays, and there are only twelve of us, I will definitely see her later this week.  However, if she does not come in again, perhaps there is something serious or important happening with her family and she needs some time.  Perhaps with this issue, she was not thinking about the Thanksgiving weekend when she agreed to meet up with me.  On the other hand, if she does come in, should I confront her about it?  Or maybe just try to ignore her and see if she comes up to me with an explanation?    

Thanks.  Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving weekend.  
Nicholas

Answer
Hello again Nicholas!

When someone doesn't respond to an invitation, that's your answer: no.

Women are notoriously bad about this. First of all, it's not her job to call you back - even if she says she will. It's yours. Stop letting women do that to you and take the initiative and control yourself.

As to bringing it up again, don't. If you see her this week and SHE brings it up let her tell you what's going on. Realize that not responding is RUDE and she's going to have to deal with that when she sees you.

If she suggests another time to meet that's another thing. If not, you have your answer.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III"
Producer of "BAM! TV"

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, dating and sex, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers from all over the world. I'm able to answer literally any question regarding dating, finding and approaching women, sex, getting phone numbers, setting dates, what to do on dates, how to set them (and make sure she shows), dealing with dating problems, conversion from dates to relationships, etc. Check my website at: http://beingaman.com for much more. If your question is particularly sensitive you can email me privately and securely at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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Having helped over 30,000 people with their issues, I'm certainly qualified to help you with yours. I don't take the "feel good" approach at all. I'm direct and that comes from experience and research into what really works.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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Many thousands ... and millions of readers all over the world.

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