How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams/How can I attract this cute cashier?
Dear Dr. Dennis W. Neder,
I come to you today with a major problem. I have the biggest crush on a female cashier at my local meat market. I went to high school with her (we're both 18) but we've never actually met, despite having some mutual friends. I wasn't attacted to her then but now for some reason I can't stop thinking about her. It's like I see her in a whole new light. The only problem is that I'm really shy around her. When I go to buy something at this market and I'm about to check out my heart starts racing and I can't speak. I guess I have this problem with her because I don't know her and since all my past girlfriends have been friends before I have no experience in approaching women. So my two questions are:
1. How can I get myself to act right infront of her without feeling like I'm going to pass out?
2. How can I find out if she's interested and attract her?
This is a problem I deal with about 10-15 times a week. It comes down to some very simple things, but mostly it's just about education. Consider this: you're 18 now so you have lots of time to learn. I often get similar questions from guys in their 30's and 40's!
Being "shy" and acting awkwardly is just the symptom - not the cause. Memorize that fact. You see, if you knew what to do, how to approach her, how to create interest and how to build attraction from that interest you wouldn't be shy at all. You'd be bold.
Now is the time in your life to learn these things! Most guys are so lazy as to only want to know "enough" just to get one girl and they think/hope that will last their lifetime. In fact, the skills you need to learn not only translate into approaching women but into the entirety of the relationship itself!
That's why you can't cheat yourself here. Don't learn "just enough". Learn everything you can. You'll be using it the rest of your days. Trust me. You'll also stop feeling shy and awkward and will replace that with confident boldness. How will THAT change your world??
So, with that, let me answer your second question first.
What you're hoping for is that she's already interested in you. Let me set your mind at ease - she is. That is; she will be when you approach her correctly. You'll see why in a minute. Interest is easy to create! (Frankly, so is attraction, but I'm getting ahead of myself.)
This is why pick-up lines don't work (and you absolutely don't want to use anything even remotely like one with this girl). They try to avoid interest and go right for attraction. Worse yet, women know what you're doing and instantly see you as someone that doesn't have any further "game". So, they feel nothing to prevent them from destroying you for your ignorance.
I teach quite a few different ways to approach, but the easiest, simplest is the "context approach". It's really just a matter of answering a question: "what do she and I have in common at any particular place, in any particular situation and at any particular time?" The answer to that question is your "approach".
For instance, you know her from school and mutual friends. That is your context! How easy is it to walk up to her and say, "Hey! You're [her name] from school [or a specific class] and you're friends with [mutual friend] aren't you?" Then, when she says "yes" just say, "Hi. I'm Hamilton" and follow-up with something simple and positive like "Good on you for getting a job right out of High School. I know a lot of people that are still looking!"
There you go. Ice broken. Easy, simple and proven effective! The next step is bloody easy too!
Keep in mind that she'll be working. She doesn't want to risk her job by getting all chatty right now or maybe she will - but don't count on it. Instead just keep it short and say, "I don't want you to get in trouble talking to me here at work, but we should catch up. Here, give me your number and I'll call you sometime". Bingo! How easy is that? By the way, you want to have something to write on and with handy. Don't expect her to go running through the store to find it! Also, don't expect her to have her phone with her. She likely won't.
So, there you go - your approach all wrapped up in a neat, easy package. You shouldn't be too shy doing that, right?
Now, comes the (somewhat) harder part - that of creating attraction. This involves building rapport and connection. You already know you have similarities and that's a good start. You have "social proof" via your mutual friends and that will help a great deal too. Beyond that, it's a matter of using communication skills to further that connection into attraction. This is where it gets somewhat more complicated and I strongly urge you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" for everything you'd want to know about this.
At least, this will get you started.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”