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How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams/Should I contact my Ex girlfriend after a year of 'No Contact'?.

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This question may be long to read, so please bear with me as I explain the details of what I’m asking for.

3 Year ago when I started university at age 21, I had never had a girlfriend before and was really inexperience with girls as I didn’t have much contact and was very awkward and shy. However, this all changed at university as my confidence grew and so did my interaction with girls. I would go to parties and socialise with new people and was enjoying my life and during the second year at university, I met this girl (Lady X) and immediately was attracted to her. She is from Malaysia, whereas I’m based in the UK. Within the next few months, we became good friends and eventually dated. I was really into her and she definitely felt the same for me too. I was charming, confident and knew how to make her laugh.

2 months after becoming good friends, we eventually started to date and developed a relationship – I was the happiest I had ever been. We would do everything – eat together, see movies at the cinema, stay up late at night at halls and talk about our past experiences growing up. The more time went on, the more I became besotted by her. However during the third month into the relationship, part of me started to change, I don’t know what it was – but I felt myself slowly but surely becoming paranoid and demanding. I wanted to try new things with her – e.g. socialise more with her friends & have sexual intercourse. Lady X hardly wanted to socialise with me with other people, which within time would annoy me deep down because I loved to socialise and I loved to show off to people that we ‘were together’. However she never saw it like I did, and wanted to keep friends and relationships separate – which I didn’t understand at the time. The second frustrating point is I really wanted to have sex with her, and she didn’t want too – THIS IS WHERE I FEEL REALLY ASHAMED.  Because my insecurities and demands were becoming overwhelming, I would try and entice her to do sexual stuff with me – against her will. But she eventually started to let her guard down but it still doesn’t excuse my bad behaviour back then.

Furthermore, I would moan a lot to her about what ‘she was doing wrong’ and how I wasn’t happy with her views and behaviour during our relationship. My insecurities, paranoia and demands would slowly drive her away and lose that attraction that she felt towards me earlier. Maybe you could say that I mentally abused her.  It was around this time, that I learnt that she was a princess, of royalty blood (No Joke), which just made me EVEN MORE crazy inside. Unfortunately, I became jealous of her – she went to fashion shows, met other royalty, lived in a palace and lived a sheltered life. She was unable to cope with my mood swings and negativity, and I did try impose myself too much on her.  2-3 times, we would break up, then get back to together so it was one emotional rollercoaster. There was good times between us, then really bad times and it would carry on like this until the 8th month, where we would break up over Skype. She told me her reasons – she was scared of me, couldn’t change for me, and wanted to concentrate on her studies for the 3rd year without any distractions. I understood her reasons, but was UTTERLY devastated as this was my first official break up. I remember feeling like nothing else mattered and was so depressed – I couldn’t eat, lost confidence, lost weight, and felt like if I was on a plane, I wouldn’t care if I crashed And died then and there!  

During the third year at university, I was still depressed but slowly started to find myself and concentrate on my studies. I started going to gym and taking care of myself mentally and physically. The pain would subside but my feelings suddenly turned into bitterness. Whenever I passed my ex-girlfriend in the campus, she would smile and remain friendly, but I just looked away because I was still heartbroken and sad inside, whenever I saw her. The fact that she appeared happy again made me angry, she seemed relieved that it was over. I asked her if she wanted to get back together and she said no – I would try and apologise but she became so annoyed that one day – I discovered she was texting her friend, asking him to hook me up with another girl. The moment I saw this text – I SNAPPED OUT OF IT! I learnt then, that I was in a bubble, making myself looking needy and desperate, just degrading myself to the max! Suddenly, I made a promise never to contact her again, as I wanted to salvage some dignity! My last text to her – I demanded that she return my clothes that she took from me earlier (even though she wore them) and made it clear I wouldn’t contact her again! I was sad / bitter as I sent this message but it was the best thing I could do, as I needed a fresh change. Since then, I passed by her twice during that whole year and she would look away and appear bitter whenever she saw me.

At the end of the third year, I learnt I had to resist one test so I couldn’t graduate until last week. I learnt my ex failed too and would have her graduation on the same day as mine. Now considering I had ended things badly, there was and is bitter blood between us. Before the graduation last week, I hadn’t seen or contacted her in nearly a year. During this time, I had met and dated new girls, went on holidays, saw family abroad and was living my life. But I would always think about my past relationship – what did I learn? What did I do wrong? Why did she want to break up? Over time, I understood through 1-1 therapy sessions that I was mainly in the wrong, for doing the things I did, trying to change her and made her nervous, not accepting her background or her as a person. I had to take responsibility for my actions and this helped me to mature as a person.

Well, graduation took place last week and for the first time in a year, I saw my ex with her family, and she me with mine. There was clear tension and nervousness between us, but I managed to stay cool and calm. We would sneak glances at one another, but nothing else. Part of me was feeling guilty, and another part wanted to go and speak to her. In the end, I didn’t speak to her as she was with her friends, family and I didn’t want to ruin her graduation. Since then, I haven’t stopped thinking about her – about my actions, possibly speaking to her to show my new maturity, and just a friendly catch-up. As I write this, I am wondering if I should message / email her, to see how she’s doing, congratulate her on her graduation, and possibly admit that I was in the wrong for my past behaviour.

I think I’m looking for closure, and to see how she’s been getting on. After all, it’s been a whole year since we last spoke. I don’t have feelings for her, as I’m aware she’s not the right girl for me, but it would be nice possibly be on civil terms. Please give me your honest feedback & opinions on what I should do. Once again, I appreciate you reading this long question…
Dan

Answer
Hello Dan!

First, I didn't read this LOOOONNNNGGGGG message. Sorry, I simply don't have that kind of time. If your question is this complicated you can order some personal coaching time from my website and I'll be happy to deal with this over the phone.

Second, your last paragraph is all you really needed to tell me.

Here's the fact: you NEVER get closure. No, never! That's just the way the world is. Thus, you have to MAKE your own closure. You realize (and more important, accept) that she has different motivations and maybe, needs, than you do and you turn your focus outward to find someone who shares your motivations and needs. You learn to accept that people can do and say dumb, mean things but that you don't have to define YOURSELF by them. You get to define yourself by your own dumb, mean things!   ;)

Looking for someone else to give you closure also gives that person power over your well-being - even if they don't know they have it. If you haven't talked to this girl for a year, trust me, she's not sitting around worrying about whether you have closure or not. She's off doing her own thing - just like you do.

Here's a little more harsh reality: there's no such thing as "karma". People don't often get their comeuppance. Revenge almost never is satisfying.

Finally, being "on civil terms" with someone who didn't even think it was important - after an entire year - probably isn't going to get you anywhere. You obviously haven't dealt with whatever the problem was and thus, it's going to devolve right back into the original battle.

Dan, let this go. You're going to gain a lot more of value by moving forward and not defining (or defeating!) yourself over closure to events in the past. Accept that life and relationships are messy. That's not my rule. It was here long before you or I arrived.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, dating and sex, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers from all over the world. I'm able to answer literally any question regarding dating, finding and approaching women, sex, getting phone numbers, setting dates, what to do on dates, how to set them (and make sure she shows), dealing with dating problems, conversion from dates to relationships, etc. Check my website at: http://beingaman.com for much more. If your question is particularly sensitive you can email me privately and securely at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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Having helped over 30,000 people with their issues, I'm certainly qualified to help you with yours. I don't take the "feel good" approach at all. I'm direct and that comes from experience and research into what really works.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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