How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams/Potential love lost?
Hello Dr. Dennis W. Neder; I am Theodore. Alright, so where to start? There is this woman, we'll call her Jane, and I've known her for a few years now. We've never been "friends," if that makes any sense? We'd talked for a miniscule amount, twice already, but it was obvious that she was too into her ex; so I pulled out of the race; to not run the risk of being "friend zoned." Now, this is the third time we're talking. She's truly amazing; I call her beautiful every day. Since we've started talking again, I've made it clear with my actions, and my words, about my intentions; that being a relationship with her. Recently though, she's become pretty distant. She had a fall-out with her ex (the same one that she was "too into" back in the day) and it's obvious that she's done with him. I've been her shoulder to cry on, and the man to come to, but I'm afraid it's turning me into that "good guy friend." She's confessed her feelings for me about two weeks ago, and even admitted that she's awaiting me to ask her to be my girlfriend. As I've said before, she's become pretty distant these last few days. She's going through a multitude with her family, and her ex (who she had children with, and now [she] is attempting to get him to pay child support), so I've given her some space. She admitted to me about four days ago that she has had a crush on this guy from her work since she started working there (back in November 2012), but that she's "not trying to get with him." I told her that I kind of felt like an option, and then asked her if I'm the only man she wants to be with? She took it the bad way, though, and assumed that I didn't trust her word; that she wanted to be with me. I do trust her word, but that "truth" about the crush at work just made me ask her that. Just yesterday though, she deleted me from Facebook. I didn't flip, but instead I asked her; why? She said that she was deactivating her account, but she was doing so by deleting all of her friends. I pressed the question, because I saw this (along with her being distant and speaking to me more as a "friend" these last few days) as a Red Flag. She, once again, took it bad and began to assume more that I don't trust her. Today, she informed me that she had taken a step back, because she can't be with a man who's "questioning her every move" and who "doesn't fully trust her." I informed her that I do trust her (she knows that I do have trust issues because of my exes; I'm actually getting a lot better with those), but that I'm scared is all. I don't want to get heartbroken, but I really like this girl. She seems to be the one for me. Her kids love me, her family loves me, and she tells me that no man has ever treated her like I have (in the good way). I told her today exactly what was on my heart, that being: All I want is her. I'm not perfect, and I'll make mistakes, but as long as she's willing to try, and to keep fighting, then I won't walk away, I won't quit, and I won't hurt her (cheating, lying, etc.). After pouring my heart out to her, I told her that I don't mind being friends, but now it's her decision. She said "I don't know right now." I followed with telling her that she can take as much space and time as she needs, and I'll be here for her when she's ready and "knows" what she wants to do with our current "relationship." We didn't talk much after that today, but I plan to continue sending her Good Morning/Goodnight texts. Did I just lose a potential love interest? If not, do you have any advice for how I can correct the situation? I don't mind giving her space, because I don't want to dominate her time and make her feel like I'm controlling her, but I'm afraid to give her too much space and risk her losing interest for me. Please, assist me as much as you can. Thank you very much.
Here's one place to start: how about breaking up this loooonnnngggggg stream-of-consciousness into paragraphs so that it can be read easily and I don't have to spend have of my time trying to figure out what you're saying????
You're damned right you've become the "good guy friend"! You've rushed headlong into that position. Did you lose a love interest? You absolutely did! Between you and her, there's not a single man in sight. You are the one that was supposed to bring that energy to the relationship and instead you became the girlfriend. She doesn't want to have to be the man here and so she dumped you.
You "understand" and are all considerate and "giving her space", etc. but you're doing all of this out of insecurity. In order to try to obscure that you're all up in her face about things. She brings drama and you give her more drama.
Theodore, I have to tell you, I have absolutely no real idea what's going on here. You're all over the place with this and frankly, none of it makes sense other than the fact that she's gone. The best advice I can give you is to do everything you've done exactly opposite! There's not a single choice you've made here that was the right one.
Here's what you'd better do right now: stop "giving her space" with all of this. She's not on a "break" at all. She's on a "break-up" and you just don't see it. Stop with all the texting and trying to fix her problems. They aren't real problems either - they are manufactured by the ridiculous things you're doing.
Trust? This has absolutely nothing to do with the type of trust you think it does. What she doesn't "trust" is for you to actually be the man here! She doesn't feel safe or secure because you're acting like her girlfriend and hoping that SHE'LL do all the masculine work!
Frankly, I think you're out of chances here. You've waited far too long and continue to do the exact opposite of what you should do. If she gives you another chance (again, doubtful) you'd better do this: go to her (do NOT text her/email her/call her/carrier pigeon her/etc.) and talk to her IN PERSON. Tell her that you and she are a team and that you're going to fix this as a team. No more "space".
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”