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How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams/Problems with meeting girls - please help my poor social skills :(


Dear Brian,

I wanted to ask you this/these questions because i think you believe the same as I, from what i've read in your description. I also think wining and dining a lady is a mug's game. To be seen as a lover, one can't be seen as a provider (or entertainer). These things would ruin the intrigue and curiosity which are the cause of her arousal to a man. At least that's what i've read.

I'm 18, and i live in England. Unfortunately. I feel i've got the worst social skills in the world, which is why i hope you can help me out here. I'm not nervous in social areas, i'm usually very confident and more daring than most. It's very hard to describe why or how i'm doing so badly with girls.

Whenever i try to talk to someone at my school (teachers and classmates) and especially when i see a pretty girl in the street, they always seem to just ignore me which i find infuriating. I would strike up a conversation with them,  being sure to sound clear, but everyone in the world seems to ignore me. Or feign a smile and walk away quickly.

It's very hard when i see other boys in my class surrounded by girls, with girls talking to them first, excitedly.  Especially when i actively go out each weekend to approach girls and get no luck. I've been doing this for 2 months now, and it's still the same. Girls seem to avoid me like the plague, frowning and moving away everytime i come near.

Well, i just wanted to explain my situation. I hope you can answer a few of my questions and teach me what you know about girls and social situations. I just don't know where i go wrong. I put in the most effort to appear cool, calm and interested in girls, but i get the least out of it,

1. When and where is the best place to approach a girl, so you won't be easily ignored by her, but have the chance to seduce her? I live in a small town, so unfortunately the only options outside school are the bookshop, grocery shop, clothes shop and the street. Even when i get a conversation, most girls seem desperate to get away from me a.s.a.p. so i can't get a decent conversation in.

2. Which openers do you find works best? I read that the more direct openers work best, so i always compliment a girl on her beauty whenever i approach her. But it's very hard to move into a conversation when i just stop a girl in the street and compliment her, without the conversation beginning to sound like an interview ("So what's your name? What school do you go to? etc")

3. How do i create a meaningful friendship with a girl? For example at school, if i try to be friends with a girl, no matter how much interest, appreciation and guidance i give to her, she never gives anything back. How do i create a friendship where she starts the conversation and she invites me places instead?

4. I'm going to East Asia this summer (i know you're from Japan) and i would love to know any advice you could give me to attract a Chinese girl (i'm going China. I know it's a different country to Japan, but i'm sure there are some similarities).
I'll only be staying there for 20 days. I'm mainly going for the adventure, but since i was young, i've always thought most Chinese girls are absolutely gorgeous. Though i live in the English countryside, so i only see a chinese girl once a lifetime (apart from when i visit London where there's hundreds). I've never kissed any girl, hugged her or held her hand (let alone sex) so once i visit China i really hope to change that with a beautiful chinese girl. Can you help me find a way? (-prostitutes aren't an option!) I heard affection is something they are very careful to give away. They see kissing and sex as serious commitment gestures.

Thank you for reading. I hope to hear from you soon :)



P.s. i don't think i'm bad looking. I posted my image online on a forum to girls who don't know me. They said i was very handsome. My ancestors are west asian, so i've got tan skin and dark hair. Maybe my local girls don't like that.

Hey Ryan!

Wow!  That's quite a few questions!  Normally I don't think I'd answer so many, but this is right up my alley, so I decided to go ahead and make some time and see what I can offer.

First, in regards to your comment about being a provider: I think there's nothing wrong with being seen as a provider, but unless you are also seen as a protector - the two key male roles - you're not going to create attraction, only comfort.  That's great if you're looking for a "partner" or just a friend, but not if you're looking for a romantic lover.

From the way you communicate I can tell already that you do not have poor social skills.  However, what I would guess is that you've oversimplified social skills into one of two categories: good or bad.  In reality, there are a lot of aspects to social skills, and it's too complex to simply you are only good or only bad at it.  Rather, there are probably certain aspects I'd say you're quite skilled at and others where you could use some work.  Right now, you just need to work on your approach.

Another thing I noticed that seems to indicate your somewhat oversimplified view of the whole thing: you are only looking at the surface.  Context is more important than appearances.  You say it's hard to look at all the guys surrounded by girls, but really look: how did they get those girls?  I'm going to guess probably from an environment they're comfortable in, by utilizing skills they've already acquired over time and consequently neglecting to develop other skills.  Cold approach pick up - walking up to total strangers to strike up conversations - is one of the hardest thing any guy will ever do.  I highly doubt half of those guys that you see could have anywhere near the success they currently do if you were to take them out of their comfort zones and put them in an environment where they know no one and have to start from zero.

Another aspect I think is working to your detriment goes deeper than this: it's your mindset.  Your language is sometimes negative and sometimes irrationally so.  You say you have the "worst" social skills.  Really?  There are nearly 7 billion people on the planet, that's quite a claim you're making there.  Be realistically honest with yourself, do you think your social skills are the worst, or just not as good as you'd like them to be?  Do females really avoid you "like the plague", or just avoid you?  You may suggest it's "only words" or you're "just kidding", but I would suggest you take a good long look at WHY you choose to communicate your situation like this and how it may be both consciously and unconsciously affecting the way women perceive you.  In addition, I would look at what your goals are.  It seems they are more about getting a certain result than embarking on a long term process.

Anyway, on to your specific questions:

1. A brothel.  All kidding aside, there is no magical "place" or "time" when girls suddenly all change their psychology and nature and are "ripe for the picking."  It's always a challenge, as it should be.  You're asking the wrong questions: you're assuming there is one particular, objective method that works on all women, all the time, in all places.  How is that possible when every single woman you meet is different?  Not only that, but even the same woman is different depending on what's going on in her life and what mood she's in.  This is not a simple, predictable science, this is not arithmetic.  This is life; it's chaotic, fluid and random.  What time and where you pick up a woman has little to no significance.

2.  See above.  I will add, however, if you are going in this as a novice, being prepared ahead of time is very useful.  Again, there is no arbitrary opener that is going to work better than any other of its own merit, but it can be helpful to have some in mind in case your mind goes blank, and your mind WILL go blank.  The key is to find an opener or openers that YOU enjoy, YOU find amusing.  That's it.  If you'd like a specific idea, one I've heard that I like is asking questions, particularly for opinions.  Think of stuff you genuinely want to learn about girls and ask them.

3.  I find this question perplexing, as you initially stated that you don't just want to be seen a provider, and yet you're asking me how to provide: in this case, advice and friendship.  You can't have your cake and eat it, too.  If you are looking to seduce women you need to STOP DOING THIS.

4. This is going to sound redundant, but if you want to know how to attract Chinese women, it's simple: be an attractive guy.  The same goes for Japanese women, Spanish women, European women... in other words, there's little to no difference between cultures.  You are having enough trouble simply approaching women, I wouldn't worry about getting physical with one just yet.  Utilize the unique opportunity you have to experiment and try stuff without worrying that you're going to have to face the "consequences" after.

I realize that what I have said may sound harsh, but really it boils down to this: more than anything else, your mindset towards this is leading you the wrong way.  Let's look at it succinctly:

A. You are asking what, where and when.  These are the wrong questions.  The better questions are why and how?  Why do I want to get better with women, and how can I go about doing it?

B.  You are looking for results, when, in reality, life is just a continual, ongoing process.  Even if you get the results you want, it's just going to lead you down a new process.  Rather than trying to "get" something - an attitude that is a turn-off to anyone, romantically or otherwise - consider instead what kind of person you are trying to become, how you can become that person, and allow that to be enough.  THAT is attractive.

3. You are being your own critic, rather than your own best friend.  Authentic, attractive qualities such as confidence and strength do not come extrinsically, you don't get them from others, they are intrinsic.  In other words, you have to start loving and supporting YOURSELF before you can persuade others to do the same.

I hope this helps.  If you have any additional questions, feel free to send me a follow up!

How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams

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Questions on how to attract women in a non-traditional way (i.e. not through wining and dining). How to improve YOURSELF so that women will be more naturally attracted to being with you for you, not for your money/car/clothes/etc.


I've read a variety of books on pick up technique and self-improvement and was a bit of a "pick up artist" myself (until I settled down; now very happy with current girlfriend).

in this area, none in particular.

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