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How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams/Are Japanese women worth it or too much trouble?


QUESTION: Dear Brian,

I'm an 19 year old guy from England. I've recently become more interested in japanese women as i've met more and learnt a lot about them. However, a lot of the stuff i've learnt doesn't sound like great news. So i was wondering if you could help me decide whether Japanese women are worth the trouble or not (as you're from Japan apparently). Thank you :)

I never used to have much appreciation for japanese women as i hadn't met many (i'm only 19 from a small english town). But yesterday i went to London for the first time and i met a japanese lady who i really got on well with for a few hours. She was in her mid-thirties/early forties and she was gorgeous for her age. I think i feel a little bit in love with japanese personality.

But japanese women as friends sound a totally different story to Japanese women as lovers (according to my friend at least). So i'm not really sure what to think.

My friend used to live in Japan and told me a lot about them. I can't remember everything about them, but from the gist of it, it sounds like you'll have to be an incredibly smooth operator to get close to one.

(However, he said that if you were just after casual relationships and are into manipulating women for sex, then they were ideal as they are intrigued by foreigners and sometimes feel obliged to have sex with you even if they're not too into it, because they don't want to hurt your feelings. But as i -and he- consider genuine and lasting relationships over taking advantage of woman for one night, we're not so interested in that way).

Anyway, apparently because of the way they are raised and brought up, it sounds like they're a real tough nut to crack.

•Approaching them in public is a big no-no, and japanese women *absolutely* do not like to be singled out, especially in front of others.

•Due to the ridiculous school system which prioritises daily exams and heaps of homework over the student's mental health, happiness and overall character, the majority become almost like drones. To the japanese, work and education is life's purpose. Personal relationships, enjoying life's simple pleasures and pursuing a dream is way down the priority list.

•Romance and a loving partner doesn't even register on a japanese woman's mind. They have no idea what that is, apart from what they loosely understand from western films and korean dramas. When they are raised by their parents, it is rare for a Japanese couple to show intimate affection between each other, and unheard of in public. A married couple often sleep in separate beds or separate rooms and the birth rate is one of, if not the lowest in the world.
The consequence is that Japanese men (who were raised as single children and given total attention by their mother while the father is working long hours) look for women to look after them, clean for them and pamper them just like their mothers did. And japanese women very rarely experience romance, when emotions are never displayed and mysogeny is so common.

•Related to the point above, Japanese women (relative to other nationalities) simply never commit themselves to anyone. Affairs and adultery are tolerated and are common in japanese society, even expected if one partner is on a long 'business trip'. Having a relationship while having a boyfriend or husband is no big deal. I'm not the type to be jealous in a relationship as i consider myself an optimist, but i don't respect a woman at all if she doesn't respect fidelity.

•Marrying a non-japanese man requires breaking too many barriers for often what it's worth, and so *almost all* japanese woman have no wish to marry a foreign man, but marry a japanese man and live a non-controversial, safe and average life. Only a fraction of Japan's women consider anything more than a casual encounter with a foreigner. Anything more would be too much.

•Japanese women do not like to speak honestly and directly, but like to speak in riddles and beat around the bush. You never know where you're going with a japanese woman or if she's being sincere. Much and consistent affection from a japanese woman just can't be expected even if she likes you, and if you finally work out that she doesn't like you, you've already fallen for her. (Like i said previously, many japanese women would much rather sleep with you and kiss you rather than reject you outright if you were at least a bit attractive so they don't hurt anyone. But they will never plan on staying for long. They don't mean to lead you on or even consider it. It's just their culture).

Last but not least, if you were to marry one, they would much rather stay in Japan where you would have to endure the weird seafood (full of parasites from the sea that could kill a foreigner), freezing winters without central heating, a whole population who live by the said points above, casual racism and the hardcore schooling for your children so to repeat the cycle of mass-producing identical drones to work at sony. And you'll have to accept one day that, unless you were her sugar daddy, she would see her work as No.1, her child as No.2, her friends as No.3, and you somewhere in obscurity.

I know love and such can make so many things possible when it comes to this sort if thing, but i'm not even sure a complete lobotomy could make her let go of all these cultural disadvantages that would ultimately make you miserable. They sound like monsters.

But also keeping in mind that said women would have only met japanese men and the occasional western anime freak in their life. Miracles do happen.

So when it comes to Japan and Japanese women, what do you think Brian? Interesting country with gorgeous women (who never seem to age), or irradiated and expensive country with women who will make you so miserable you'll commit hara-kiri?

P.s. i know that what i'm saying is generalising and not every japanese girl is like this. But i'm not counting on meeting such a special case. Apparently, most japanese women are like the points made above.

ANSWER: Hey Keyvan,

Sure, I can help you out with this.  But I'm not sure if you'll like what I have to say.  I'm not even sure if you were being serious anyway, so this may be a waste of my time and energy, but here it goes:

All of what you wrote about Japanese women is ridiculous.  It looks like pure, biased, unsubstantiated speculation coupled with hubris and nationalism, unless you have some actual evidence to back it up (and it appears you don't#.  Japanese women are human females, just like European women, just like American women, just like African women.  It seems like you're almost trying to classify them as another species, or even another phylum altogether.

1.  Women like attention.  Putting anyone on the spot in a public place is a difficult situation, regardless of culture or nationality.  People in general will be uncomfortable if approached by a stranger, moreso if done under the scrutiny of others.  I see no evidence that Japanese women "absolutely do not like to be singled out".  Personal experience tells me the exact opposite.

2. No one is a "drone".  We are all individuals.  I see no evidence that "the majority become almost like drones... Personal relationships, enjoying life's simple pleasures and pursuing a dream is way down the priority list."  In fact, in my personal experience, the exact opposite is true.  Every Japanese individual I've met had a unique personality, unique ambitions, unique perspectives, loved their families and friends, loved vacation time, etc.

3. All human beings crave and, to an extent, need love and all women love romance.  I see no evidence that Japanese women are unique in having "no idea" what love and romance are.  How can that be when they are composed of the same neurology and hormones and also exposed to the same media as anyone else anywhere in the world? I can't think of anything more absurd.  Those facts you listed #about birth rate, for instance# may be true, but you have yet to establish a connection between them and these claims.

4. Human beings are, instinctively, largely monogamous and capable of remaining loyal and faithful.  Nationality has little if not nothing to do with it.  While extramarital affairs are not as taboo in Japan as they may be in other parts of the world, I see no evidence that shows that they are any more or less common in Japan than anywhere else.  "Never" is a strong word; I know plenty of committed Japanese people who would render your claims automatically fallacious.

5. Utterly ridiculous.  Did you know the rate of interracial marriage has been steadily RISING year by year in Japan?  It's not only acceptable, it's sometimes encouraged!  Most PEOPLE want to live secure, safe and mentally simplistic lives... why are you singling out Japanese in this respect?

6. Women in general do not communicate the same way men do, and all cultures have their niceties and mannerisms that inhibit direct, blunt speech.  The way Japanese people do it is different than the way a Westerner would, which may be confusing to Westerners and give the appearance of Japanese being particularly indirect, but I see no evidence than people from any other culture are more direct/honest than Japanese.  I've received tons of affection from Japanese women, not to mention outright rejection, so I don't know where you're getting that from.

Basically what I'm saying is you've got to let go of the assumption that culture ultimately "creates" humans and realize that we have a lot more in common across the world than we have differences.  The claims you make were almost so laughably ridiculous I wasn't sure if I was supposed to take you seriously.  You're basing a world perspective on scant to no evidence, only on hearsay, minimal observation and speculation.  This is the wrong way to go about trying to understand something.  On top of that, I don't understand why EVERYTHING you said has such a negative slant.  To me, your claims reek of elitism and superiority, as though YOUR culture were somehow better than the Japanese.

If you are going to approach Japanese women, you might as well approach them as individuals, rather than assume they are all just cookie-cutter copies of each other.  Every single human being is born with a unique combination of DNA, a different genetic make up than anyone else in the WORLD, different than anyone who has ever lived or will ever live.  You're talking about over 120 million individuals here, how can you POSSIBLY hope to pigeon hole all of them into one template?  It's asinine.  Quit it.

Hope that helps.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi again Brian,

I didn't intend to appear 'elitist' or 'nationalist' at all, i don't know where you're coming from. I know japanese culture is very different to my own, but i certainly didn't say it was inferior. Just hard for me to adapt. Also, although Japan is probably a lovely country, there are probably far more disadvantages than advantages to living there as opposed to my native Europe.
I'm sorry if my above question upset you, i didn't mean that.

These websites/blogs about Japan seem to agree with what i said previously (which i based some of my previous answer on). So i'm quite confused about this. (most the answers seem to agree).

But from your answer, they must be wrong, no? Surely there must be something to this. My friend said that the only way to be intimate with a japanese lady was in a bar and relaxing her with alcohol, as they are less likely to be so shy (which japanese women generally are).

What do you think about this?

Hey again Keyvan!

I'm actually very glad you decided to write a follow up.  Besides being quite courageous - as I realize I was quite harsh with you - it demonstrates your willingness not only to be objective but also to be open minded about your situation.  Thank you for that.

I don't need to read those blogs; I've already heard the arguments you've presented from a number of different sources, both personal and otherwise.  Perhaps that is why my response was so vitrolic on the matter.  I wouldn't say I was upset by it, per se, but I would say I am very passionate about dismantling sweeping generalizations about people, no matter the context.

You asked me what I think, so here it goes: I think you are being logically fallacious.  That is not meant to be an "insult"; all of us behave in fallacious ways that are not necessarily conducive towards meeting the ends we wish to meet.  But, to elaborate, it seems you are building the foundation of your attitude towards Japanese women based simply on the authority of others.  This is problematic; after all, what cause do you have to trust or believe these authorities?  I could present to you, for instance, my personal experiences spanning 13 years I've lived here, my current relationship with my Japanese girlfriend who is the most loving, considerate, affectionate, strong and trustworthy person I've ever met, as well as other anecdotal evidence about other foreigners and Japanese women I know, but in the final analysis, why trust me over them?  Why trust them over me?  What objective criteria could you use to determine the validity of our alledged expertise, knowledge or even trustworthiness?

I'm fairly certain the answer is: none.  You can't.  What you CAN do is take it all as speculation, as untested theories or ideas, but discover the truth for yourself: find more rational, less biased or less subjective sources for determining the validity of our claims - scholarly work on Japanese history or culture or politics or sociology, human psychology, etc - and, more importantly, go have your own experiences and come to your own conclusions.

In respect to all this, the main problem I had with your initial message was that you were basically treating Japanese women as though they were nothing more than manufactured, cookie-cutter manifestations of a singular and symbolic JAPANESE WOMAN, rather than unique individuals who each have their own nuanced and idiosyncratic belief systems, attitudes, backgrounds, opinions, personalities, etc.  You are dismissing their complex humanity in favor of easily digestable and ultimately empty concepts.  This is overly simplistic, and thus fallacious.  You are, to coin a cliche, missing the trees for the forest: with such an attitude, all you will see is a series of the same reguritated two dimensional image - JAPANESE WOMAN - rather than actual three dimensional flesh-and-blood women.

The truth is, no Japanese woman is going to perfectly encompass all of those stereotypes that you reiterated to me any more than YOU are going to encompass any and all ridiculous stereotypes others may have about British men.  Certainly, based on your culture you will demonstrate SOME of them, but how many?  To what degree?  How often?  How stubbornly?  Well... that always depends.

Hope that helps.  Take care.

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Questions on how to attract women in a non-traditional way (i.e. not through wining and dining). How to improve YOURSELF so that women will be more naturally attracted to being with you for you, not for your money/car/clothes/etc.


I've read a variety of books on pick up technique and self-improvement and was a bit of a "pick up artist" myself (until I settled down; now very happy with current girlfriend).

in this area, none in particular.

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