How to Attract the Woman of Your Dreams/Does it increase or decrease a woman's attraction to a man if he tells her he recently had sex with another woman?
QUESTION: Last Saturday I went on a first date with a woman. I got some good feedback from her, including brief kissing, and as we walked to her car we talked about the next date, which she said she wanted to do. She also said she wanted to come to my place when we next met. I rode with her.
A few days before the date, on the phone, we had talked about a sex manual, and I mentioned while we were riding in the car that on the prior Wednesday I had tried some techniques from the manual with another woman and gotten good feedback from that woman. I texted Saturday's date on Tuesday. It's Thursday, and there has been no response. Was my remark a mistake? If so, how might I be able to mitigate it?
ANSWER: Hi Grant!
Thanks for the question. This is precisely the type of question that I love so much because it frustrates me so. It frustrates me because I see my old self and my old mindset in it, and I wonder why I ever looked at human interaction through these lenses. Granted, I do have the benefit of hindsight, so I can't fault you and, in a sense, there are benefits to look at the world through such an objective perspective. Analysis can come in handy, if used properly. So what exactly do I fault you for?
First of all, you didn't qualify your question, you generalized it, which means it probably hasn't really sunk in that individual women are more idiosyncratic than alike, and there are many more factors than just what content you produce from your mouth that dictate how a woman will react to something you do. It's not as simple as "stimuli input: talk about sex with other women, receptacle: random woman, response output: unknown." My point is that factors like the context of the situation in which you say that, how you say it, and the woman herself - what her goals are, what kind of personality and experience she has, etc - will determine more accurately how she reacts to it.
Secondly, you are using words - increase and decrease - that imply there is some sort of quantifier that determines measurable results in this equation. There isn't, and even if we speak in terms of more or less, the change in the degree of her attraction isn't based on objective and independent variables, it's highly subjective and dynamic. My point being, even if it were, theoretically, measurable or even predictable, in practice it isn't either one.
Thirdly, your question offered me a false dilemma: the only options you allowed me are "it increases it" and "it decreases it." This is patently illogical. A more sensible question would have been open, like "What might happen if a man talked about having sex with another woman to a woman?" That kind of question allows for a variety of answers and isn't expecting an answer to be as cut-and-dry as yes or no.
Having said that, there are some general guidelines that you can adhere that will ensure you have greater success overall, and they have nothing to do with WHAT you do. You may have read about this in my other responses to questions similar to this one, but just in case I'll repeat it: WHAT you do is of little consequence or importance. Women are more concerned with WHY and, to a degree, HOW you do something. A woman's primary goal is to defend herself against deceit or inauthenticity, a man's is to either be more deceitful or become more authentic. Authenticity in behavior, beliefs and thoughts is an area more worthwhile working on because they fosters personal power, novelty, self-confidence and flexibility, all of which are attractive qualities.
So let'sexamine how and why you did what you did. First off all, there was no apparent valid reason for you to bring up having sex with another woman to her. Whether or not you intended it to, it probably came off as forced and contrived, if not arrogant. Second, I don't know if you used that particular word with her, but calling a woman's enjoyment "good feedback" makes it sound like you viewed her as a guinea pig or play toy for your pleasure and that you view human interactions as something you need to coldly calculate, which makes you seem detached, unfeeling and lacking in empathy. These are all pretty big signals for a girl to back off. Again, this doesn't mean you should never do what you did in all situations, but that your reasons for it probably seemed unjustified to her, even suspicious. Your best option is to cut your losses and move on, quite frankly. There's not much you can do to convince her that your motivations were any different than she likely assumed.
Anyway, I apologize if that came across as harsh. I'm hoping you can take what I say with a grain of salt, at least take it into consideration. Good luck in the future, and let me know if there's anything else I can help you with!
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QUESTION: Thanks for an eloquent and thoughtful response (for instance, it was helpful that you inferred that I used the phrase "good feedback," which I did). Some, but not all, of my initial reactions:
*Why is an analytical approach associated with coldness, detachment, and lack of empathy? When we board a plane, we expect that the pilot has calculated the flight plan so as to give us a good, safe trip. We appreciate this; we don't consider him to lacking in feeling, but take it as a sign of his concern for us that he did his calculation. Might the same attitude be taken with someone who strives to analyze how to be an excellent life partner? After all, analysis is much more likely to yield desirable results than impulsiveness. I don't mean to shoot the messenger--I think you are relating reality as you see it, without judgement. But is careful thoughtfulness ever appreciated by women? I would think it would be in at least some situations.
Thank you again for investing considerable time and consideration in a stranger. I am seeking a long-term relationship, and I want to learn much about how to best build one. I have read a significant amount of PUA material, and question it, and I am glad that bring familiarity with that to the table. Have you written elsewhere about your thoughts on PUA?
Thank you very much for taking what I had to say into consideration. As I mentioned, analysis can be very useful, and I think you used it well in this case. Your reaction to my advice was commendable, and I appreciate your inquisitive nature.
I think I essentially addressed this question in my previous response to you, but I'll try to elaborate a bit just to clarify, because it's a worthwhile question.
Certainly, from a purely logical point of view, it would seem intuitively obvious that analysis is something that should be commended, even respected or admired. After all, it has lots of practical applications in modern society. And, on a physiological level, it has been demonstrated that men tend to be more systems-oriented, while women are more empathy-oriented, and I believe it is appreciated by women. In fact, I believe it is this very distinction that is ultimately what makes men attractive to women. But it must be tempered with a degree of empathy and emotional/social intelligence. See, what it seems you are failing to realize is that, as living organisms, we do not COME FROM civilized and cultured roots where analytical and rational skills are highly useful. Our biological evolution has not yet caught up with our cultural evolution, so our genes are still operating on survival and reproductive mode, just trying to keep us alive long enough to get our genes into the next generation, that's it. In an environment which promoted this type of genetic "mentality", careful analyzation as opposed to social skills and decisiveness is more likely to get you KILLED. For reproductive purposes, a man's primary goal is to determine a woman's physical capabilities to reproduce his offspring - either as a mother or even just simply as a vehicle for reproduction - and the woman's primary goal is to determine the survival benefits of bearing your child. For this reason, men are much more concerned with what a woman looks like, often at the cost of other detrimental factors - like her psychological well-being or their compatibility - while a woman is concerned with a man's current or potential resource acquisition which he demonstrates through aggressive and dominant behavior which, again, may actually be detrimental to her long term happiness in this day and age. In any case, for this reason, it is vital to her that she be able to get an authentic assessment of what resources you have, can get, and - maybe most importantly - how much you are willing to invest in her. A man who is more concerned with end-results rather than human empathy is expressing several things to her:
1. He is probably more selfish than he is generous, as his analytical mindset is more likely to consider what will benefit HIM or some abstract concept rather than HER or US.
2. He is lacking in social skills and probably will not be able to retain a high level of social status and may even suffer in a situation which requires social or emotional skills. He is socially and/or emotionally incompetent and this will affect his resource acquisition potential.
3. He may lack empathy towards any children he has.
4. He may be psychologically unstable.
While I understand the analogy you presented to me about the pilot, it is a weak analogy for two reasons:
1. We do not engage in long term, exclusive relationships with this pilot, so whether or not he has social or emotional intelligence is of little concern to us.
2. Most of us do not, at least consciously, go through an objective assessment of a pilots' analytical capabilities. In reality, all we do is tacitly assume that the pilot will be COMPETENT at his job, without really fully understanding what that requires. That's it. When we listen to, say, a musician, we do not demand to know what degree of formal music theory training he or she has had, we just listen and expect him to "sound good" based on personal, subjective criteria.
Again, I will reiterate that every woman is slightly different. Every woman will interpret your behavior through her own private filter, and some women will be completely turned off by your analytical nature, some women will absolutely love it, and most women will fall somewhere in between.