Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/13/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder

I sent this question to Mr. Beck a few days ago, but I am yet to get an answer so I decided to ask for your advice also.

I'm 17 and there is this cute girl that caught my eye a few days ago at the beach. I am not sure about her age but by the judgment of my friends and me, she is probably 16 or 17.

Anyhow, she was at the beach with her friend or sister. To me she was just another girl. Nothing special. Altho one of my friends kept constantly saying how shes cute and sexy. So i asked him if he wants me to go to her and try something for him. He said no. But he kept talking about her for hours and it was getting really annoying. So i stood up and started walking towards her but he ran towards me and stopped me.

So the next day we went to the beach and there she was again. With the same friend/sister and some 10-12 year old kid (Brother i guess; he was with them yesterday also but i wasn't sure if it was just a random kid fooling around them).

To my surprise, my friend who has been talking about her all day long yesterday, didn't say a word about her today. So as time passed we would make some short eye contact every now and then but nothing out of the ordinary. I still didn't have any interest in her whatsoever. But sometime later, we made eye contact, and we smiled at each other, quite long.

Here comes the problem. When my friends see an attractive group of girls, or when 1 of them finds a girl attractive to him, I'm usually the one that makes the approach. And even when it comes to myself, ill just go and do it...

Now I'm asking myself why cant it be like that when it comes to this girl? Why don't I have the guts to approach her? What the hell am I afraid of anyway?

Maybe I'm afraid of blowing the opportunity. So i decided to ask you, as an expert. What would you do in a similar situation?

To add another thing... Yesterday i saw her pass by, close to were i live. So my other guess is that she moved to my neighborhood. Anyhow, we looked at each other, smiled and passed by. Yet again I didn't take the opportunity to introduce myself.

Thank you for your time.

Best regards, Luke.

ANSWER: Hello Luke!

I can't tell you why you don't, but I can tell you that you'd better make a move if you want a chance with this girl.

First, let's talk about your buddy. He was all ga-ga for this girl but didn't do anything. Here's the reality however: your buddy is far more important to you than this girl and you need to treat him like that. If he's still interested in this girl and you approach her for your own benefit, you're going to ruin this friendship. Don't EVER steal any girls out from under your buddies or you'll wake up to find one day you have no friends.

Instead, go to this guy and ask him whether or not he's going to approach her or not. He's had a ton of opportunities. If he says he's going to, but continues to hold out, explain that you're interested in her too and that he either needs to make a move or get out of your way so you can.

Finally, you need to find your balls and go over and talk to her already! Just say that you've seen her around and wonder if she's new in the 'hood. There's your icebreaker.

Luke, these opportunities don't present themselves very often and you (or someone) needs to take advantage of them when they do.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I found my balls and approached her yesterday. Before I did it, I did not ask my friend if he would like to try something with her or not. Cause i was skeptical whether I will ever see her again.

I was going to the gym and saw her sitting in a park while her brother was playing. So anyhow, it turned out that she moved here 2 weeks ago. After a few minutes of talking I said that I have to go and took her number. She asked me if I want to go for a drink or a walk tonight but I told her I was busy and that I will call her. I really didn't expect that she will ask me that but oh well...

When I got home I called my friend and asked him would he make a move if he ever saw that girl again and he said no. So i asked him: "Well can I do it then?" And he said: "Sure why not?"

Anyhow, I was wondering should I wait a week or so before I call her or is it "ok" to call her tomorrow lets say? Seeing how she doesn't know anyone here and how she asked me to go for a drink?

Theres another thing I wanted to ask you. Unrelated with the upper part. "Can't we at least be friends?" Thats something I hear from almost every girl when i decide to end the relationship.
I've read on your site about women putting man into 2 categories. So that makes me wonder why would they want to make a friend out of someone they want to be with? Or is "Let's just be friends" completely different then what I asked?


Your advice has been helpful to me multiple times. And I thank your for it.

Answer
Hello again Luke!

I hope you don't EVER do that to a friend again! Even though you got his pseudo-approval after the fact means nothing. In fact, you slipped in front of him without being sure. That's not being a good friend, and frankly, he deserves better. If you don't give a shit about him as a friend, then dump him, but don't dump all over him out of his own insecurity and lack of knowledge about how to approach women. All of us started there (even you!)

Ok, that's off my chest, let's move on:

I teach the one- or two-week "rule" simply because most guys are far too anxious and move too fast. This always works against you. You see, by waiting at least a few days, you're making use of her feminine mind to do things for you that you could never do yourself. If you interrupt that process, you're shooting yourself in the foot.

I'd say that calling her tomorrow is the earliest that you'd want to call. Doing it today (for instance) takes away your advantage. Just a note: when you call her, keep it SHORT. Don't try to hold the date on the phone. I see guys making that mistake all the time. Instead, just use the phone to SET the date - not hold it.

Your second part is actually two different questions, so I'll answer them separately.

When you break up with someone, NEVER agree to remain friends with her. This is for a number of reasons:

1) It gives her false hopes that maybe you'll get back together some day.
2) It gives her "access" whereby she can interrupt things with other girls you meet.
3) Frankly, girls don't make good friends for guys anyway! Women like having male friends, but this just puts you in a place to have to listen to her about all the guys she's meeting and how they are mistreating her.

Someday down the road, you may decide to "check in" with her just to see how things are going, but that's going to be 6 months or longer and you might then have a friendship, but I wouldn't promise or even allude to anything up-front. It's cruel.

"LJBF's" ("Let's Just Be Friends") is a totally different thing. This is what girls tell guys without game that either want to see if the HAVE game or not, or they don't want to go out with, but want to keep the guy hanging on or simply don't have the backbone to tell him "no" out of fear of hurting his feelings.

By the way, there's only one answer to this: "No thanks - I already have enough friends. When you're interested in something more grown-up, let me know."

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"