Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/11/2007

Question
I'm a sophomore in college.  I believe I'm a fairly confident guy -- I think I'm attractive, I know I'm very successful, outgoing, and intelligent, and I don't have any problems interacting with women -- at least after I've met them.  I've had my share of relationships and flings, so that isn't at all the problem.  My problem has always been trying to gauge her interest in me, and after that approaching her.

Case in point:  there's a girl in a few of my classes that I haven't seen before.  She's very attractive, and judging by the classes I have with her, we probably have similar interests.  Quite a few times now I've noticed her glancing my way...today in class, we made direct eye contact, she held contact with my eyes for a second or two and then glanced away.  I feel like this is a good sign, but I'm not entirely sure.  I think I should approach her, but I just haven't been able to work up the confidence to do it.

My problem is that I'm always thinking about what the best thing to say would be, what is the best way to go about introducing myself, is she really interested, etc. -- and then I don't end up actually doing it.  I feel like this is my biggest weakness, and it really drives me nuts.

So I guess my question is two-fold.  First, am I reading her correctly or not?  Second, what is the best way for me to overcome my annoying fear of approaching women, and in particular, what is the best way to break the ice with this girl?

Thanks so much for your help!!

Answer
Hello Aaron!

They eye contact thing can be a very good sign, but not by itself. Guys make this mistake all the time by relying on a single (or even just two or three) body language signs and thinking that's enough.

When women are interested in you, they'll throw sign after sign. You just have to watch for them. There are quite a few of them and you should read "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" for a comprehensive list, but in order to see them, you have to have direct, personal contact with her. That means you need to talk to her. Then, watch the flush of her cheeks, how she touches herself - her hair, her arms and legs, etc., how she positions her body, etc. These signs are telling. A single eye-contact isn't - but it could be.

Whenever you approach someone, think "context". That's simply answering this question: "What do she and I have in common at this very place at this very moment in time?"

Since you have this girl in your class, it's a natural contextual approach to use the class itself. You can walk up to her at any time (even if she's in a group) and just say, "Hey there. You're in [class] with me. What do you think of the instructor?" (or assignment, material, seating arrangement, classroom, blackboard or anything else.) This is natural context and gives you reason to approach her.

Finally, just remember, this isn't a violent crime or something. You're just approaching her to say "hi". Don't make it a big deal. Just get to it or you're going to talk yourself out of it. Finally, when you've broken the ice and spoken to her for a few minutes, cut things short and close her for a number so you can "...get together and do this again sometime."

Easy!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"