Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/19/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder

For the past few months I was going to the gym at around 8am. There wasn't any chit chatting in the gym then. The people in it were all serious and thinking about working out only.

One day I went to the gym at 8pm cause I didn't have time in the morning. I was surprised by what I saw... There were a lot more people then and hell a lot more good looking girls. The atmosphere was also different, people weren't focused so much on working out, they were socializing also. Chit chatting, walking around doing nothing, looking at others was a normal thing.

So when I walked in my friend went to a machine next to a younger, cute girl. And I was using the machine next to him. Since the gym is all in mirrors, i could see the girl leaning over my friend and looking at me every now and then. She was glancing at me alot during my time there. Then theres was another older chick (In the early 20s, im 17) with whom i made eye contact across the room a few times and we smiled.

Then while I was bench pressing, a hot girl walked to me that and asked me to show her how to work on a machine. I didn't see her coming so i kinda freaked out and dropped the bar on my chest.

My trainer ran by and lifted it of my chest. A while we talked a bit about the difference between morning and evening in the gym and he said that most of the guys coming that late don't work at all, they spend the majority of their time hitting on women. When I asked him why the hell did that girl start talking to me while i was in the middle of a set... He said that the more you ignore girls like that, the more attention they will want from you and in the end, possibly even make the approach.

Is that really the case?

Oh, one more thing. And older girl that I sometimes work out with said that its not good to be pushy at the gym. And that its not a good idea to just walk up to a girl and ask her for a number after a few mins of talking. She said that its better to take it slowly, start of with glancing, make eye contact, smile and next time when you see her in the gym introduce yourself, have some small talk and after a few times ask her out or something.

Is building rapport in a longer time like that a good thing?

Thank your for your time and help Dr. Neder.

ANSWER: Hello Luke!

No, when you're in a competitve dating situation like a gym or a bar, you want to move quickly. Consider this: where else in life do you go where you have maybe 50 to 100 other guys all competing for the same 10-15 girls? Even if the other guys don't know enough to make a move, they're there at that time specifically for that reason.

I talk a lot about "power" in my books and have actually created a system to measure it in my next book. Suffice it to say that you have to have greater power than the girls you approach - and your competition at the gym - in order to be successful there. This is also true of other high-competition places like bars and clubs too.

The longer you wait to move, the less your perceived power, and thus, the less effective your approach is. Consider this: the most powerful guy in the house will walk right up to any girl and make his move. Why? For a number of reasons:

1) Because he thinks it's is right (it is by the way)
2) He knows he can pull it off
3) He proves his social position
4) He knocks out his competition

The longer you wait to make the moves the more perceived power you lose.

The other benefit of getting right to it is that you can tell the girl that you don't usually go to the gym at night - you work out in the morning. This increases the pressure on her to accept your close! If she thinks she won't see you again (even if she does - it doesn't matter) then getting digits is a piece of cake.

Don't go for the long rapport building thing. It's what low-power guys do, hoping that some woman will do his work for him. Be the first to get to her - and the last - by simply demonstrating that you have the right.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the swift reply.

Theres another thing that has been bugging me lately and I'm sure you can give me an answer on that also.

Why do younger girls tend to be more nervous during a conversation? I found that its a lot easier approaching older girls in random places like a bus for example, or the beach or the street... Older girls tend to lead the conversation and they talk loads. A couple of words long question will usually result in a couple of hundred word response :) A great thing to get an idea of what kind of person that girl is.

While on the other hand, a year or 2 younger girls tend to get quite shy. My questions get short response and im usually the one doing the talking. Keeping the conversation going can be quite a challenge since after a min or 2 i find myself thinking about what question to ask... Since She not giving me much to work with.

Is age such a powerful factor here?

Thank you for your time Dr. Neder

Answer
Hello again Luke!

Exactly right about the long response! It's a great tool to not only learn a lot about the woman, but to determine her communication styles and to cater directly to them.

The answer to your question is simply this: context.

It may be hard to remember but think back on your very first job. Remember how everyone there seemed to interract in such a natural way? It was fluid simply because your co-workers knew what was expected. You; being the new guy there, didn't know how to act, so you sat back and didn't say much at all.

As time went along however, you began getting more comfortable and actually learned what was expected. You developed context for your interraction choices.

Young women face this same problem. Since you're the older guy, you supposedly have more context about what to do and how to do it. Thus, they hold back not knowing what to do or say.

You can develop a level of comfort by first mirroring their communication styles. We all feel most comfortable with those that are like us. The other benefit of this is that you also begin developing rapport. This is much more important than even her comfort! It's how you make it easy for her to say "yes".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"