Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/8/2006

Question
Hi Dr. Neder,
i asked a question to your earlier about this same girl.
I have been thinking a lot about the same girl recently, she does have a boyfriend, who she says she is not going anywhere with. I seen her just the other day and it seemed to go very nice. I have since talked to her on the phone and asked her to hang out sometime in the near future. How should I approach taking the next step. This is the same girl that told my friend that she could see her self with me in the future and she has an interest in me. She does hang out with other guys on occasion too, and not to forget, she still has a boyfriend. I don know what i can do to keep her focus on me, because i think that she has all of these other guys that she could do stuff with? I feel awkward asking to do something with her and i do not know how to approach it. She is always online, but never talks to me, but she defintely knows im on. Is this her way of sitting back and letting me come to her, or has she just Lost interest? I feel like im the only one who can step up.

im sorry about all of the questions, but your help would be greatly appreciated.

thank you very much

Answer
Hello Jim!

I'm afraid that I get so many letters everyday I can't tell one from another! It helps to copy the original email when you ask a follow-up question, but no matter. I'll try to answer these the best I can.

It's YOUR job to set-up the first dates - and she knows it. Women have a natural, in-borne need for a man to take these steps. If the woman has to do all the work initially, she often feels that's how any potential relationship will go. She'll have to be the man and that won't leave her any room to be the woman!

By being bold, direct and specific about where you're going - and not sitting back waiting - you're telling her that you are this man. That's not to say that there aren't times to pull back too. This is a subtle dance, but trust me, the beginning is no time to play "wait and see." If you do, someone else will just come along and take her right out from under your nose.

Here's what you need to do next:

Go see her in person (best) or call her on the phone. Keep this short and to the point. Just say, "Ok, clear up your Friday night. I'm picking you up at 8 and we're going to go 'hang out'." Do NOT agree to call and confirm and don't agree for her to call you after she's checked her calendar. These are part of a game I call the "Pre-Test" and you don't want to play them. Tell her what you want, be clear and specific, tell her to write it down if she needs to and end the contact.

Then, go pick her up (or meet her) at the designated date/time. Be sure to make this a date - not just "hanging out". You do this by being the charming, engaging guy you can be. Find out about her, bust and challenge her, treat her a little like your bratty kid-sister, etc. Most important - KISS HER!

You have to do this, or this is just a couple of buddies hanging out. Kissing her sends clear signals that this is more than friends; and yes - this is your job too!

I suggest you use my (patent pending) "opening kiss" technique. Here's how this works: the instant that you first see her, make eye contact and hold it. Walk right up to her. grab her by the shoulders, pull her too you and kiss her right on the lips. Make it last just a little too long. Then, slowly let her go, say "hi" and move on like nothing happened. Trust me, her head will be spinning the rest of the night!

"Hey Dennis! What about her boyfriend?" I hear you asking. No problem. Women are always ready to "trade up" for the right man. By being direct and specific like this, you're telling her that you someone of quality and substance and that you're going somewhere. It's the guys that just want to "hang out" (which is a safe way of trying to get HER to do all your work for you) are the ones that get played.

Believe me, women will often stay with a "boyfriend" until someone better comes along. Then, they simply move on. We guys don't have this luxury! We are expected to end one relationship before moving on to another one because that's "honoroble". Women see this move as "strategic". Welcoem to yet another double-standard that you and I live with every day!

Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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