Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/9/2007

Question
I am a guy in my early twenties involved in a long term relationship of about 5 years. Our relationship is somewhat rocky but has it's good points just the same.

Recently, I started a new job and I have inadvertently become quite attracted to a co-worker. I mean nothing at all has happened physically between us, but I definitely feel a lot of chemistry when we are together. She, however is also in a long term relationship, although it seems to be cooling off according to her.

I'm not really a gambling man and I wouldn't want to put myself out there only to be rejected. Plus, I'm not going to end a 5 year relationship for nothing. I wasn't even looking for this; it just happened.

What advice could you give me in this situation?

Also, If I were to attempt to kiss a co-worker, could they technically file a sexual harassment charge against me? Or get me fired?  

Answer
Hello Eric!

"Committed relationships" are where a couple is together because they agree that they're going to work through the tough times in order to enjoy the times that are good. I'm going to take the situation with your current relationship separately from the new one for this reason. They are different things with different considerations.

One common question I get is "when should I end my relationship?" The answer is simple: when it no longer provides mutual benefit. If you're not getting what you want from this relationship then waiting until someone else comes along isn't when you want to break it up. In effect, it just creates a slow, painful death that harms the people involved. After all, you wouldn't cut a dog's tail off piece by piece would you? Of course not - you'd do it all at once and get it over with. Same with relationships.

If you believe that your 5-year relationship no longer provides you with the benefits you seek from it, then, it's time to end it and move on. It doesn't matter whether there's someone else in the picture or not.

If that's not the case (in other words, the benefits continue for both of you) then you need to reaffirm your committment to your girlfriend and work through the tough times in order to strengthen that relationship. In every relationship, people find that they are attracted to others. That's perfectly natural and something that you can't avoid. Instead, you make a promise to someone to work through those sorts of rocky roads in order to build something much bigger, more important and more worthwhile.

With regards to office girl; what you're effectively saying is that you want a risk-free situation. Not only is this impossible, but it flies directly in the face of what she (and most women) want! If you're not willing to take a risk and you try to avoid it, you don't look strategic at all - you look weak. That's not going to turn her on further, I guarrantee it.

Yes, if you kiss her (and it's unwanted) you risk a sexual harrassement lawsuit and being fired. On the other hand, if you discover that she does want this - and you keep it out of work - you should be fine. The trick is to discover her interest in you - something women are notoriously good at keeping hidden!

You've obviously talked to her about her relationship, but have you determined how she feels about you? If she's interested, your risks are pretty low and you should set something up for outside of work. On the other hand, if you don't know her interests, that's where you should begin.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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