Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/18/2007

Question
My name is Roger and I'm 15 years old.  I have liked my best friend on and off for about a year; she used to like me, but she was afraid of a relationship.  Now after I thought I had just got her off my mind, I started to like her even more than I ever had before.  The thing is that she doesn't like me anymore, (not to sound conceited) and she likes another guy who is less attractive.  Normally I would be fine with this, but her reason for liking him is that she feels like her beauty couldn't match up to her partner's.  Her low self esteem is the only reason why she likes this guy.  I tell her she's beautiful and she still doesn't believe me.  This is my best friend, we always have good flowing conversations, we share the same interests and we are both Christians.  I don't understand, she doesn't even talk to this guy, and she's admitted it too.  We have been best friends for a long time and I know she can like me again, but how do I get her to do it?  I already told her that I like her and I know everything she's said to me is true.  I'm not asking for a wife, I just feel like we could easily be in a more serious relationship.

Answer
Hello Roger!

First of all, you need to understand something here: just because YOU are attracted to looks doesn't mean that women are. Women have a large number of things that go into making them attracted to someone else. It's far more complicated than looks. Thus, don't assume for even a second that just because you're better looking that this guy that she should be more attracted to you. Men and women are VERY different in this way!

You've also made another huge mistake - you've become her "friend". I'm sure you've noticed that women don't date their brothers. There's some important biological reasons why that I won't get into here, but suffice it to say that women aren't attracted to men that are "that close".

By becoming her friend, you've just made yourself "that close" to her! She is no longer attracted to you simply because she CAN'T be attracted to you - you're too close to her - just like a brother would be!

Roger, you're going to have to make a decision here. What do you want with her? Do you want her to be your best friend, or do you want her to be a girlfriend? Listen to me carefully here: you can't be both - you have to choose which one you want.

Now, before you decide, you also need to know that by becoming her best friend, your chances now of being something more are extremely small - usually around 5%. That means that if you want her to be your girlfriend, you have a 95% chance of failure - AND you're going to lose your best friend at the same time!

Think about that very carefully.

If you decide you want more with her, and you're willing to give up the friendship, then, you have only one choice: you have to end any contact with her entirely for at least 2-3 months - maybe longer! During that time, you absolutely HAVE to start dating other girls too! Roger, this is the ONLY way I've ever seen anyone turn a friend into a girlfriend.

Further, these aren't my rules - they were already here when I arrived, but trust me, this is exactly what it'll take to turn her from a friend into a girlfriend - with only a 5% chance of success and a 95% chance of failure.

I suggest you go read my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com then click on "Self Help". Read them through carefully before you decide.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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