Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/8/2007

Question
Ok ill start from the beginning.. I never really knew this girl too well she was my sisters friend but out of the blue I got an invite to her birthday party, so I went along and we got on really really well, she came back to my house after and we sat up all night talking (no-sex just having fun). For a few weeks after that we would be talking on phone/txt messaging etc all day every day, and we got very close so much so that she was comfortable telling me things that I know she has never told anyone about her past, i supported her through bad times, I make her laugh and I treat her daughter like my own, we have stayed at her parents house for days at a time we even had sex several times. I went to stay with my grandmother for a week and the day before I was due to come back she text me saying she was really missing me and couldnt wait for me to get back, well was i in for a suprise because when i did return she told me she had sex with someone at a party she had liked for a long time and they were now an item (that was the part my whole life just crumbled) she then told me that ill always be her baby and left crying?. I put my my feelings for her into long term storage, we carried on going out places and having fun but to a lesser degree because I accepted that she was with someone else. They have since split up and she is really happy and keeps asking me to go away to her parents with her for a few days, should i go or just make my excuses and decline? what more can i do to win her?

Answer
Hello Stuart!

Frankly, I think you're giving away everything she wants without getting anything you want!

If you agree to go with her and her folks, you're going to need to get her to agree to give you the relationship you want - and an honest commitment. If she's just interested in your attention - not you as a boyfriend - she'll resist this and just give you excuses. Then, you'll have your answer.

On the other hand, if she agrees, then you need to get some idea how she's going to prevent this break-up from happening again in the future. In other words, what is she going to do if you have to go visit grandma again? Just promising doesn't seem to be enough.

Either way, you should stop being her buddy unless that is all you want with her. Once you get stuck as the "friend" you'll never get out of it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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