Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/12/2007

Question
I met this girl online about a month ago, we exchanged IM screenames and started chatting, the chemistry was unbelievable so I gave her my # and she started text messaging me and we started texting eachother for hours. She is 22 and iam 38 but have alot in common so she called me one night and we stayed on the phone for over 3 hours. Since then we have had alot of phone conversations and I kinda pushed the fact a little about meeting. She felt I was being a little pushy and she had me so twisted up and I was so nervous around her when we where on the phone I wasnt my normal confident self. So eventually she told me she loves the friendship but doesnt know if we could be more. This is the most amazing woman i ever met so that kicked my moj back in and I told her that i am a great guy and if she wants the best I will be here for her if i am not taken already but I wil lalways be a friend because i like the friendship. After that we had a couple of amazing conversations and she said forget what she said about us not ever being able to be more than friends. But its almost a month now and she still isnt ready to meet up yet, granted she is busy with school, but I told her take your time you are worth the wait for me and always know when you are ready for the best  I am here . She liked i said that but is still waiting to get together in person. Should I just stay patient and let her decide when is a good time to meet or is she just playing with my emotions ?? She did tell me i am a reamrkable man and she likes me and I make her happy so Im just confused about a woman for the first time in my life HELPPPPPP!!!!!

Answer
Hello Patrick!

Obviously I can't read her mind, but it appears that she has a couple of other guys hanging around and she's giving her attention to them instead of you.

I love it when someone tells me that they're "too busy". That is a total crock! Everyone can make the time it takes to do what they find important. She just doesn't feel meeting with you right now is that important. Further, you make it easy for her by hanging around, putting her up on a pedestal and letting her do any damn thing she pleases!

This is one of the problems with Internet dating. The Internet is a filter (and frankly, so is the telephone, IM, email, etc.) You are far more interested in your IMPRESSION of this girl than the real girl - trust me.

Consider this little fact: your mind takes in information at a tremendous rate. That's why when you blink your eyes, you don't see a black spot for a minute - your brain fills it in for you. So, what do you think happens over the Internet when you have these long lags of time? Your brain fills in the gaps for you.

Guess what it uses to fill it in? Simple: that which you hold most evident in your mind! If you want someone "amazing"; guess what you get - someone "amazing" since that is foremost in your head.

Frankly, this girl is playing you. That doesn't make her so "amazing" in my book! I'd suggest you take her down off that pedestal (as long as you're done looking up her dress!) and start to see her for what she is - a game player.

Tell her that if she can't find a few hours to meet, she's obviously not the girl you're interested in as you expect anyone you'd start dating (let alone be in a relationship with) to make time. If she can't do that, she's not worth any more of yours.

That should get her off the fence!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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