Expert: Aaron Beck - 10/1/2006

Question
Thank you so much Mr. Beck your response was awesome.

But now I have some more things to discuss...We still do spend a moderate amount of time together, just to hang out and I am also teaching her to play guitar. She is usually the one to ask me over to see her unless, like recently, I have been having other problems and needing to get out of my dorms and shelter in hers. But when we do spend time together sometimes she pays a small amount of attention to me, other times she touches me as if there is deffinatly something between us (like not to respect eachothers personal space)like touching my chest and grabbing my arm, or putting her head on my shoulder. Also if we're just lying there watching a movie she'll lay on my chest and  put my arms around her.  

So my question here is what is my composure in these situations? Because at times like when shes lying on me I just want roll over onto her and kiss her. I mostly just want to let her know that  I still want to be with her though I'm sure she knows that but would doing something out of the ordinary to show it be more effective? That is would like buying flowers just because or anything to that exstint have an good effect. If so what would be something good to try, I know shes not exactly into flowers, and I'm not really the best when it comes to this part. Though I must say I have my moments like in my last letter I mentioned showing her the best of me, well she has also told me that something I did with her was the most romantic thing she had ever experinced.

Again thank you for your help and time.
Michael
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Followup To

Question -
Dear Mr. Beck

I know this is not your expertise but your the active volunteer and I hope you can atleast help me with my problem.

I recently started college and when I went to freshman orientation I met the most beautiful girl i had ever laid eyes on. I thought her to be stuck up and didn't give her another glance becuase of it. But the next morning I find her eating breakfast alone, I was almost amazed. I mean a girl this beautiful not with one guy around her, I couldn't just let this opportunity go to waste. I sat asked her if she minded if I sat with her and of course she didn't and I proceeded to intrduce myself, making small talk about college and what not. I got her number and actually sat with her in all the activities for the rest of the day.

Now at the time I was still with another girl, but because I knew I was going to end that relationship once I moved to college so I felt that it was ok to talk to this girl who seemingly was the girl of my dreams.

So after 2 weeks I called her up and talked to her . She said she was very happy that I called and also added how much she was attracted to me. Music to my ears of course. I spent atleast 4 hours almost every night I could, talking to the girl (I could only talk to her because we live a good distance apart). In this time i asked her if once we got to college she would like to date, she said yes.

The summer was comming to an end and i would have to make a trip to my parents home which i could take an alternate route to her home and see her. She agreed in excitment. I showed up at her work we had lunch and a very breath taking kiss where i pushed her up against the wall and passoinately kissed her for a good 5 minutes.

Ok to make a long story short, I have fallen deeply in love with the girl, and i thought she was also until things went bad. When we moved to the college I showed her everything I was made of, the best of times, and even the best sexual experince she had ever had she said. But all of a sudden she stops kissing me altogether and I know exactly what this means...somethings wrong. I asked her about it and after awhile she finally comes out and says that we have moved to fast and need to slow down. I told her thats fine I can handle what ever for her. We continued this way for a week or so until she tells me that her ex-boyfriend of three years is coming to see her. I said cool what are we doing? She told me that she was going to show him around, and that I was not to meet him.

Click, Flick, BOOM. NOT cool. I asked her if she had told him about us. She said they really haven't talked about it so no. I said you should really tell him about us and she replys well I really haven't treated us as a serious relationship. After much talking, she said that we need the weekend to ourselves to think about our relationship. So i give her that I leave with one of my friends to another town. I came back and she told me that she was afriad of another broken heart, wrote her a letter telling her how I felt for her and that if only she gave us a chance I would never break her heart beacuse she is all i have ever wanted and even still I have yet to break a girls heart, so for surely would not start with hers.

We stopped really acting as if we were together until her roommate had her boyfriend from far away, come and stay so giving them space she came and stayed with me and that night we had sex for the first time in awhile, and it was not initiated  by me. I took this as at least a step towards us getting back together and spent the weekend kinda in a weird limbo of not knowign or not. Then we had a fight because her friends were coming to see her and she flat out told me i couldn't go with her and I asked if she wanted to be in a relationship with me, she replied she only wanted to be friends. I then asked her how she could just sleep with me like she did...she said well we can stop if you want, I said no I can live with that.

I want something more with this girl we still talk and everything and are still very close. What can I do to have be something with her again other than friends with benefits, not that its a bad thing but this is the girl I want nothing more than to call mine...



Answer -
Michael,

I am going to give you some perspective on what you’ve asked but I will tell you up front that you have done almost everything correct -- textbook correct.  Everything from the meeting to the approach to the contact and the dating.  The only possible snag I see is the amount of time you two initially spent together (e.g. four hours/night on the phone etc.).  But, if both of you were willing, where’s the harm.  More on that later.

One of the obstacles you are going to face is that people (men and women) seldom tell the whole truth when discussing why they say what they say and feel what they fell and, ultimately, do what they do concerning relationships.

In your case she says that “things are moving too fast”.  You know as well as I do that that can be code for:

* I don’t feel the same as I did before
* I’ve met someone else
* I’m not ready to date one person etc., etc., etc., etc.

It can also mean ... things are moving too fast.  You mentioned college, possibly she is afraid of getting too deeply involved too quickly because of school work and time restraints etc.  

It’s difficult to fully understand the situation just from an email (and of course no one can know what’s actually going on inside her head), but it seems to me there are two reasons for her to act the way she is; either things are indeed moving too fast or, it’s an excuse for something else.

In any event, I would accept her “too fast”  explanation (although the sudden reemergence of the ex-BF casts some doubt on the veracity of that claim) and just slow down a bit.  Don’t try and be coy or cool, just give her some more space and see what happens.

BTW, a more insecure guy would immediately assume the worst and try to slow down but it would be a transparent effort and she’d see right through it but, I don’t see you as one of those guys.  If she’s “playing you”, you’ll know soon enough and that’s when you read her the “Riot Act” (a.k.a. “No Disrespect Rule”), which essentially says:

“Karen, you know I like you and I have a great time with you but I won’t put up with being jerked around.  I’m not sure what kind of guy you are used to but that won’t work her” (or words to that effect).

Don’t get angry or raise your voice, remain completely calm but firm throughout.  It will have a devastating (in a good way) effect on her.  I think you would probably instinctively do something like that anyway but just in case.

She may well have been in the same situation as you; she may have had a high-school boyfriend that she hasn’t fully broken-up with yet.  The likelihood is that it’s just a bump in the road and time (and maybe a little more space) will sort things out.

Let me close by saying relationships with beautiful women -- especially those that include sex -- are pretty intoxicating (funny how that works).  Maybe things are moving too fast even for your own good.  Sometimes you can get in over your head rather quickly and the next thing you know, she’s talking about moving in with you.  Is that what you want?  You’re a freshman, you have a long college career and with your style, I think you’ll do fine.

Situations like yours are pretty dynamic and likely you will have come to some sort of conclusion by the time you get this email but I hope it helps.

Lemme know.

AB


Answer
Michael,

The only problem I have with “composure” (your word) -- which I take to mean demeanor or attitude -- is that it’s difficult to act in a way that you don’t genuinely feel.  You are essentially asking, “should I act like I don’t really care for her when I really do?”  It is likely to backfire because she will see through it and, as an easy test, all she has to do is show you some affection and when you respond -- she’ll know.

In my last response, I said that she was either being honest about moving “too fast” or there was another reason.  If you have eliminated the “too fast” reason (have you?) then you’re left with the ruse.

I don’t think she’s being diabolical or doing anything out of the ordinary, she just recognizes her advantage and she using it.  You’ve probably done the same thing yourself.  Have you ever known women who you knew liked you but you were more neutral toward them?  Well, when that happens, you (or anyone) is likely to act more cavalierly around that person.  I think that’s what she’s doing.

If the present situation is acceptable to you, then just continue as you are.  If it is not, then you need to take some action but before you take any action you have to know what you want as an outcome.  If she’s “the one” then you have to tell her something like:

“Karen, you know I like you and want to see you as a GF and even if you don’t feel that way (right now), it doesn’t mean that I’m going to change the way I feel about you.  And if you open the door, even a crack -- I’m coming in!” (or words to that effect).  

Say it in a confident, “forgone conclusion” manner.

In other words, be completely honest with her.  You can never go too far astray with honesty (which is why I don’t recommend the “composure” angle).  This attitude will also help prevent you from losing perspective on the situation and it is paramount to maintain an accurate picture of what is happening.  There is a saying among Special Forces that they use to evaluate danger in a situation and it goes something like this: Observe your surroundings and then BELIEVE what you see.

Flowers (or other romantic gestures) are fine.  The only problem I have is that I think she has already made her decision (at least for now) and any effort at being romantic is going to be ineffective.  If you do decide on the flowers, I would tell her your position first (as described above) and have the flowers show up the next day.

GIANT DISCLAIMER:  Michael, you’re the man on the scene so you are going to have to use your own judgment and intuition on what is best to do.  What  I have suggested could rightly be called a “worst-case” scenario.

AB