Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/11/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi there. Here is a short description to my story with my ex. i have been with her for 2 years. everything was fine, passion, emotions, etc. I can talk about myself, but she admits too that she enjoyed staying with me. Anyway. the last months, things were going not good between us. I mean, i was feeling like i lost the priority in her life. So i tried to talk to her, maybe like pushing a little more, but anyway, i was feeling jealous. I have to admit that, she wasnt feeling the same anymore, i guess because of me and my "want to know the truth" behaviour. Anyway. I have to say i did some bad things, like spying on her, trying to catch her, proving her love to me time after time, etc. As the time went by, finally i got the truth i was searching. In the same time, she was cheating on me with her ex. After i got the truth, i confronted her, and she couldnt lie, but to tell the truth. So i broke up with her. During the first 2 months, i tried to speak to her for the last time (i dont know why i did it, maybe i was so deeply in love, and i was blind), but she didnt respond. After those months, she sent me a message, and i responded. It was wrong, but now is done. Anyway, its being 6 months since the breakup, which was fast and messy, and now we have a common speech with eachother (although she still feels bad about the spying things etc). She told me that she really hopes and she knows that some day these bad feelings of her will flee away, so that we can have a normal conversation, but she doesnt know how long it will take. She also apologied she hurted me. All she wants now, is this communication. I thought that, because she still feels bad, and i wont get anything more than a friendship with her, i should better get out of her life completely. So i sent her a mail, telling her it was not good for her that i still stay in her life. That she has to heal her wounds faster, and in the same time she should forget about me completely. She sent me a mail, telling me that she was confused, and that usually she doesnt like the relations to end this way. And that, although what happend, still there was a middle time, which for her was good and real, and she cant and she dont want to forget. Also, she said that she appreciates my effort for making her feel better, by staying completely away from her life, but she doesnt think that will change anything. For what i know, she got a new relation with her ex, after our breakup, and now, they contact through mails and so on (as she went outside country for 2 years). On the other side, she wants me to be her (some kind of) friend and talk to me. She doesnt know that i know about her boyfriend, as i didnt asked her what in reality happend after the breakup. Anyway, the most important thing in here is that, i still feel a lot for this girl, i admit she changed my life for the better (forget about the breakup), and that she went so deep in my heart, noone couldnt. Im some kind of tough gyu, when it comes to relations, and i dont feel so much for my partners, but this girl was someone different. My mind already dealed with the fact that i loosed her for good (as a relation), but my heart still wants her. I dont want to lose her, but also i dont want to give myself false hopes about the future. I admit that im some kind of guy who wont be tired of searching what is good for me, and that i got all the energy to work on my behaviour (i know i have some complexes), and to make her feel good if she wants to come back. But there is always a "what if" in my mind. I just dont know what is in her mind. Thats why i took the path of staying in contact with her. To let her know that i know about myself, and that i want to try to work on myself, so that she can trust me, and that what i call mistakes i call mistakes. But i dont know if it will be enough for her. On the other side, i admit that i cant see her as a friend of mine. Im some type of flirting guy, and i will never stop being so, with anyone. I also feel afraid of talking to her this way, telling her what i feel for her, because i think she wont believe any word of mine (because of her suspictions). What do you suggest me to do? Follow my own heart, which says i should stay in her life (with the hopes of the future), or my own head which says i must flee for the better of her and mine too.

ANSWER: Hello Sokol!

Man! You're all over the place here! It's one thing and then the other. It's this and it's that. You have absolutely nothing but conflicts here! You want everything and nothing, and you're doing it all from her perspective, not your own. Really, how can that ever work? (answer: it can't.)

Let's cut through all the fog: you want her back and she doesn't want you back. You figure that by being her friend eventually she'll come back to you and you just hold out hope.

Forget it. It's never going to happen. You're wasting your time and energy. Even worse, she's no longer local to you - you can't have a real relationship with her!

I know you don't want to let go; especially since you invested 2 years in her, but you absolutely have to if you ever want to move on with your life.

I urge you in the strongest terms - STOP contacting her or responding to her! Cut her off entirely and move on with your own life. Get healed and start dating again and meet some new, incredible women right there in your own town that you can have a real relationship with! You're wasting your time, energy and emotion holding out hope that somehow things are going to work out with her.

I'm sorry to tell you that's not going to happen. Trust me and move on already.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank You for the answer mr. Neder. Everything what you say, seems correct, and in fact that was what i was thinking too, i just needed some advices. Anyway. She isnt immature i have to say, as she is old enough (27 already), but it seems to me, like the things between her and her ex, didnt in reality finished, those 2 years were only a pause (although they used to drink coffes now and on, as they know eachother from long time, and they used to have an old friendship), and maybe some kind of revenge of her, for the way he used to treat her during their relation. He wasnt treating her with violence, or something like that, just he wasnt showing so much affection toward her. And she was bored, and wanted to go outside the relation. Anyway. Sometimes I think I was used as some kind of "take me out of here". On the other side, i dont want to judge her so badly. So, i try to judge my behaviour during the last months too. I was feeling insecure and jealous, and this insecurity, usually doesnt bring happiness in the relation. Although, when you really love someone, and you see he or she isnt feeling secure the way you use to treat him/her, even not showing so much affection as you used to, at least you can do something about that, and not just stay without doing anything, or neglect his feelings and his thoughts. As you see, i wasnt accusing her for cheating or something like that, but for 3 months or so, i used to talk to her now and on, to let her know how i feel, and that im not being appreciated or having the same priority in her life anymore as before, as i do with her. Alright, after 1.5 years, those emotions of the beggining are not the same, but at least you have to speak to the partner, and not just put your head down and just listen, when he talks. that doesnt sound fair, but it makes the things worser and me more insecure. Anyway. I admit, i didnt felt good and i told her, about that meeting of her with her ex (for the answers about their breakup, after 1.5 years ???), as i knew he still had feelings for her. Since that day, things seemed to change between us. And there was also this new environment of her, the thing America, as she won a master there, and she used to let herself free (having more free time to go to clubs, pubs, etc) from every else priority of her life, which made the things even hard for me to understand where the real problem lied. Anyway. This was the story.

Now, i would like to make you another question. Hope you, may help, although i know its not good, but as i still judge myself for a couple of things about my behaviour (maybe i was also behaving like a wuss, with those insecuritys, and that made her flee), i thought that, this is a sign of mine, that i still care about her. I dont want to look again as wuss, but she has her birthday right in 10 days, and i was thinking to send her a simple message, like "happy birthday", but nothing more, as i dont want to make her think im using this for any intention. But as I have mine 10 days after hers, i dont want her to feel obligated to send me the same wish too. At least we have some kind of "friends" relation, or a contact lets say, so it wont be taken as bad if i send her that message, or it may be taken as bad, if i dont send it (although i dont feel obligated for such a thing, but let say, she thinks she really is important for me, as i told her after the breakup, and without a message, that shows to her, that i really didnt meant that). What do you suggest? Im not doing it for any purpose, just a pure wish, nothing more. Seems ok?

Answer
Hello again Sokol!

Frankly, you'll get a lot more out of NOT sending her that birthday wish than by sending it. If you do send it, she's just going to think you're trying to get with her again and she'll ignore it. On the other hand, if you do nothing, she's going to notice it and at least wonder why you didn't contact her! Do you see how that works?

It's far better to be silent and let her feminine mind work for you than to be forward and not let it work.

However....

As I mentioned before, you're still trying to hold on to something you can't have. Sokol, eventually, you're going to have to move on. I just wish you'd do it sooner than later, but that isn't my choice - it's yours. You have the control here and you either will move forward now or later. Stop holding on to hope, clear yourself, heal yourself and move on. That is the best advice I can give you.

Best regards..

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"