Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/21/2007

Question
Hi Dr.Neder, if you could help me out I'd greatly appreciate it.

Ok so here's the situation: I know a girl (lets call her "X") since childhood. X and I were never that close back then; in fact our families would only see one another once or twice a summer, so there was never really a chance that I could bond with her. Actually I didn't really care to have a friendship with her when we were children. Anyway, fast forward to present day, I'm 20 and she's 18. Back in December I saw her at a weeding and was just absolutely mesmerized at her beauty. Soon after I started talking to her online and we got along very well; she’s incredibly polite! I asked for her phone number a couple of weeks before and I have only called her twice so far. Basically I'm crazy about this girl, she is essentially the girl of my dreams. In the past I've been with other girls, but none have made me feel this was like X does. She knows that I'm head over heels for her, but unfortunately I get the vibe that she cannot return the feelings. In fact once I told her how I felt (just briefly) and she told me that she is not looking for a relationship currently, but that she is flattered to hear how I feel about her (I'm not sure if she meant the last part, or was just being nice to avoid hurting my feelings). Regardless, I think about her 24/7...her friend keeps telling me that I can "get" her if I try hard...that she plays "hard to get". But I'm sick of continuously trying when she just shrugs it off. I want her to have feelings for me as well; I want to be with this girl so badly. Its really killing me inside, but I honestly do not know how to win X's heart! Cupid’s arrow has struck my Achilles’ tendon =(

Any sort of advice? Thanks for your time.

Answer
Hello AJ!

Now wait a minute AJ - let's slow things down here! No, this girl isn't the "girl of your dreams". You've only built her up to that status; in effect, you've given her all the props - and power - without her having to earn it. You don't really even know this girl! Trust me on this: she's far different than you think she is and until you really spend time with her (months at least) you're never going to know her well enough to fall in love with her.

Worse yet, by giving her this loft status, you're also taking away all YOUR power - and your options in order to win her! You've got to bring this back to reality here if you want to play things right. You'll never do it with your current attitude.

Also, trust me on this one - her friend is wrong, wrong, WRONG! You aren't going to get her if you "try hard". You have to be much smarter than that. If you just try hard, you're just going to push her out the door and then wonder what happened.

Here's what you need to do:

Stop using the phone to have dates. Not only did you really blow it by telling her how you feel about her (VERY bad) but now you're telling her that you're too much of a coward to even ask her out on a date! You're using the telephone to insulate you from what you really need to be doing.

Here's what you NEED to do right awawy:

Call her up - don't leave her a message however, you need to talk directly TO her - and say, "Hey! Let's get together next weekend. Clear your Saturday from 7 on [or whenever] - let's go have some fun." Then, be absolutely clear on when, where, ect.

When you pick up this girl you need to turn on the charm, but FORGET yourself! Don't talk about yourself or anything you're doing right now. You need to find out about her. You need to build some rapport and connection. I also suggest that you take a camera with you and snap some pictures of how you and she look "together". You'll send these to her later to "remind her" and begin to establish history. Also, DO NOT go to a movie, a concert or anywhere that you'll sit and be entertained. You need "face time" with this girl if you're going to get anywhere.

DO NOT talk about "relationships" between you and she. You can talk about history, goals, expectations and even past boyfriends if you want to, but you've got to avoid her thinking that you're trying to land this girl. You also need to clear you mind of this huge infatuation you're carrying for her. If you don't do this, you're never going to be thinking your way through these steps and right now, clarity is EXACTLY what you need.

AJ, you're also going to have to kiss this girl. You need to pull out every tool you have to reach her - visual, auditory, touch - everything; but you have to do it in measured amounts. If you just go unload all over her, you're going to scare her off. This is what playing it "smart" is all about. Watch her carefully and watch the clues. See what works for her and what doesn't.

Then, you need to get a little scarce. Don't call her the next day (or two or three) and try to spend another 4 hours on the phone rehashing the date! You want to give her time to miss you. You need to let her feminine mind do it's work for you building you (and anything between you) up.

AJ, work this smarter, not harder.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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