Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/12/2006

Question
Well , I just recently got out of a relationship that lasted 11months and it was very much full of love , about 3 weeks ago we had a huge argument about arguing , and it came down to us not being together anymore , and her telling me that she wants her space. I want to give her what she wants and I try but when I'm  she ends up calling me to argue , exampl elast night at the bar hanging out with my friends she calls just to make me feel bad b/c I'm out and about , when on the other hand she is always out , but the moemnt I get to have a good time its a "bad" thing. I love her more then words can say , and she tells me that she feels the same way , she just does not know if she wants to "be with me" again , and I want her to be , I also think that ever since the break-up she really has not realized things like I have , that it's over and that a great thing pretty much got f-ed b/c of a stupid argument , so what should I do , should I just let her be or further more throw my self out there for her to realize what she means to me and what I think I mean to her.?

Answer
Hello Gabriel!

First of all, I have no idea why you'd tolerate this sort of abuse. Why do you even take her phone calls when you're out with your friends? Not only is that rude to your friends, it's not going to help you here one bit. I'd say first, stop taking her calls unless YOU decide you want to talk to her right then and there.

Second, you should ONLY speak to her when she is being considerate and respectful. If she's being abusive you should simply hang up the phone - no goodbyes, no nothing. You deserve to be treated well and to not have to tolerate this sort of behavior. Like you said, you've broken up with her and even if you didn't, you still shouldn't be mistreated.

As to what you do now, I strongly urge you to start dating every other woman out there as fast as you can. You say you love her, but I don't this this is love. You've heard that you have to love yourself before you love someone else? That's very true, but if you tolerate this sort of behavior out of someone, I doubt you love yourself enough to put a stop to it, and thus, don't believe that you love her either.

At the very least, by dating other girls, you're going to send the message that you're moving on. At the best, you'll eventually meet someone that DOES respect you and care about you. You'll meet someone that isn't into you just for all the drama she can unload on you simply because you'll take it.

I think you deserve much, much better than this. I just hope you can see it yourself.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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