Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/16/2007

Question
Then how come back in the 1940s and 1950s people would date for five years, be entirely committed to each other, and never have sex? They never even saw each other naked or even did anything more than just kiss in all those five years. They waited until their wedding night to have sex and didn't cheat on each other, they were committed to the relationship and divorce wasn't an option, they always tried to work things out.

What has changed so much in American society that you can't date a man without having sex with him? Why is America so sex-obsessed and other countries are not?

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Dennis,

I really love my boyfriend very much and when we're together, he is always smiling and holding me in his arms and kissing me all the time. He sends me really nice text messages throughout the day to let me know he is always thinking of me.

I am 27 years old and he is my first boyfriend! I have never even been out on a date in my entire life until I met him. He's my first kiss, hand hold, everything. We have been going out for 8 months and have not had sex although we've seen each other naked many times, like almost every night and we've taken many showers together. The thing is I'm a virgin and he isn't, but we have done oral. Also he is younger than me, he is 23. But so far, he has not asked me for sex or anything, all of this is because I have wanted to do it. Such as, I'm the one who first kissed him, and I'm the one who first took our clothes off. He is really gentle with me and goes out of his way to make me happy. He has never pushed me to get intimate. He told me that sex wasn't the reason he was attracted to me.

The thing is, he is a self-proclaimed commitment phobe who does not want to get married or even have a steady girlfriend. Hmm his actions speak otherwise...he has referred to me as his girlfriend several times and has told me he loves me...so I am really confused.

His friends say he is falling for me and I'm the one who changed him. He still says he is a staunch commitment phobe because his last girlfriend cheated on him and he is never going down that road again.

What do I do. How do I let him know I am never going to hurt him the way she did?

Jessica

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Answer   Hello Jessica!

First of all, I'm pretty concerned about this lack of sex thing. You weren't entirely clear on this. Do you NOT want to have sex with him? If not, you're going down a pretty slippery slope here. He's going to get bored by not having all of you (being naked together is NOT enough!) and he'll just move on - especially considering that he's a self-proclaimed commitment phobe. Frankly, I'm surprised he's lasted 8 months!

In effect, what this does is gives him license to just hang with you and never have to commit to anything. After all, you're not really "together" (in his mind) and thus, he doesn't owe you any particular courtesies. When he finds someone else that he can have a "real" relationship with, he'll just drop you and move on.

What's particularly troubling about this is that he obviously doesn't know how to move things forward - you've had to do all of this for him. As soon as another girl comes around that also does this AND isn't a committed virgin, you'll be out and she'll be in.

To answer your specific question about how to let him know that you'd never hurt him; you don't. You're not his therapist, (and you're not really his "girlfriend" either!) He has to come to grips with these things himself. He has to learn that he can deal with whatever comes up and then be willing to invest his heart; which leads me right back to where I was before...

No man is going to invest his heart in 1/2 a relationship. Why should he? He doesn't really have anything that substantial! Sure, you and he get naked, but that's where it ends. What you're asking him for is everything - his heart and committement are the single most important things we guys have - while you give him only 1/2 of yourself.

The worst part of this is that there's something of a "window of opportunity" involved here. As soon as that window closes, you'll NEVER have him - even if you DO have sex with him! Trust me on this one - I see it all the time!

*IF* you're committed to keeping your virginity (a very dumb choice in my opinion) then you'd better change your plan completely. This guy is NOT one you should be dating. What you need to do is dump this guy and go find someone that wants to get married right away. You're never going to be able to sustain a long-term dating relationship with any guy without having sex with him. Thus, unless you and he marry immediately, you're not going to be able to keep him around. Eventually, he'll get bored (as this guy will) and will move on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Answer
Hello again Jessica!

The real question is this: where are you getting your information from? People had sex in the 40's and 50's even more so than they do today! In fact, the rate of illigitimate births was far higher then than today! It was just pushed underground and not spoken of in polite company. This has been true in this country since the Victorians - but it didn't mean that people weren't having lots of sex! I'm sure you've heard of the "baby boom"? How do you think that happened in the early 50's? It was by people having sex!

America is sex-obsessed because we're so repressive about sex - not the other way around! Other cultures aren't so obsessed simply because they aren't made to feel guilty about being sexual beings. Let me give you an example:

Take a moment to try to NOT think of a white rabbit. Go ahead. Try to NOT think of one. Give it your best shot. Really TRY TO NOT think if it. I'll wait........................................

Ok, did you do it? Were you successful? Of course you weren't! If you really tried that experiment, what you found what that all you COULD think of was a white rabbit! That's because that's how your mind is wired. We are all designed that way! Our minds can only focus on the thing we are trying to avoid! This is what has helped keep us from being eaten by alligators and tigers!

Sex is like this too! When you take an entire culture and try to make them NOT think of it, guess what happens? All we do is obsess over it! Real freedom comes from realizing this and putting sex where it belongs - in the same category as other bodily functions and relationship-building tools. It's not a big deal until you make it one.

Jessica, no doubt you've heard that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. Ok, fine, but it's right up there in the top 3! What would happen if you only had 2 of the 3 skills you needed for your job? Answer: you'd be replaced. It's the same with relationships. Worse yet, it's like the white rabbit for the guys you date. You force it right up to the top by trying to not be sexual!

What you're doing is preventing yourself from learning all the complicated issues about sex, and trust me on this one: you can't learn it by reading it in a book or watching porn or taking showers together with someone. You can ONLY learn by doing. By preventing yourself from being this sexual person, you're insuring that you don't have the skills you need to keep a long-term relationship going!

Being naked around someone else has nothing itself to do with sex! In reality, what you're doing is practicing being NON-SEXUAL when you're naked! You're programming your mind and effectively turning all of that sexual energy upside-down, training yourself (and your boyfriend) to not even see you in a sexual way. He's going to get tired of this very quickly and will believe that you and he just don't have any "chemistry" together. He's right - you've taken that away from both of you!

Jessica, be a virgin if you like, but you'd better make that choice with your eyes fully open. There aren't that many people that will tell you the reality of things like I have. Most of them will applaud you for your decision. I just see it as the most direct path to disasterous relationships, many break-ups and failed marriages. This comes from talking with hundreds of people with the same mistaken beliefs. Their relationships all end badly too - just as yours will - because of the choices they made in the dark.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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