Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/1/2006

Question
I met a girl a couple months ago and we kissed and cuddled for a few hours. I tried get more intimate that is when she told me that she had a boyfriend and couldn't go any further. Since then, we have kept in close contact and she is always telling me about her not getting along with her boyfriend. She is supposed to move in with him in January. Why? I don't know. He lives 4 hrs away. Why would she cuddle and kiss with me then continue to keep in contact with me if she just wanted to be friends? If we would not have kissed and cuddled I would say we were just friends. We were not friends before the kissing and cuddling.Im a little attached to her but want to break free to avoid being hurt in January. I didn't speak to her a couple days ago because I was getting tired of the emotional roller coaster. I haven't heard from her all weekend which is abnormal. Now I'm not sure how things will turn out. I'll see her tomorrow at work. She might not talk to me again or things just wont be the same. I figured by not speaking to her on Thursday, her true feelings would show or I will find out if its worth waiting out. She did text me and ask what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to become too attached since she was moving. Basically all she said was she wouldn't have done the same to me. She would continue talking to me till she left and after.
I believe one of the reasons I have become so attached is she seems to be a good girl. Even though her boyfriend treats her like dirt, she won't allow me to get too close to her. I think she has good values. She won't do anything until they are official broken up. If that ever happens?
Maybe, the night of kissing and cuddling was just a mistake or a get back at her boyfriend.

I don't want to give up too easy but don't want to waste three months focusing energy on her and her boyfriend problems if I'm not a candidate for future relationship.

Please Help!
Steve

Answer
Hello Steve!

I don't think her original intention was to be "friends", but that's exactly where it is now. This is an important lesson to learn for the future as you may have lost any further chances with her. Let's examine some of these issues:

Just because she has a boyfriend (some 4 hours away) doesn't mean very much. She claims that she’s going to move there to be with him, but the rest of the sentence you didn’t hear was “…unless something better comes along.”

Most women are happy to "trade up" but it's your job to make it clear what they are trading for. Someone that lets her set the tone and pace and decide things isn't a better trade (in her mind) for the jerk that mistreats her. At least HE’S a man! There's a ton of psychology behind all of this that I'm not going to get into here.

As the man, you had the real power. You need to understand that "last minute resistance" ("LMR") is normal. We guys are taught that the woman controls the speed of these things and out of respect; try to adhere to that rule. In fact, women don't want this kind of power any more than they want to be thought of a sluts. Thus, you will almost ALWAYS get LMR – even when she wants to move forward!

That seems contradictory but it’s not. By saying that she didn’t want to go any further, she tried to give the power back to you; in effect, asking YOU to take responsibility for moving ahead. That way, she protected herself. It wasn’t HER decision after all – it was yours! You should have said, “Yes, you’re right we need to stop” but just go right on ahead.

This is a very delicate situation. If she definitely wanted to stop and you try to continue ahead you’re risking looking like you are forcing her. Let me be clear about this: a “real no” means “NO”, but that’s not what this was – and you’ll get more than one. Just the fact that she was playing kissy-face with you and things got this hot was an indication of that. Do you really think that was treating her relationship with “respect”? I don’t! Then, why was she there with you? Because she likely wanted something more with you.

If you had pressed it a little further, things would likely have been different today. Even now, you’re still making her have to take the reins by letting her set the tone of your friendship. No woman wants that – it tells them that they have to be both the man AND the woman in any relationship with you! Women crave our strength because it allows them to relax and be the feminine part of the relationship.

Which brings us to right now.

Of course she wants you to hang in there and be her friend – not because she’s giving you new chances but because she loves the idea of having “…men hanging around her all the time that want her…” This is an ego thing.

When you told her that you didn’t want to be hurt in January when she left you shot yourself in the foot – again. You proved to her that she had the control by effectively asking her to change her mind. Instead, you should have TOLD her to do it.

It’s that very strength that might get you somewhere. You have only one more chance and you’ve started it by cutting ties. If she presses you to still be her friend, you need to tell her, “No thanks. I already have enough friends. If you want to hang out, then I’ll be happy to do that on Friday night just like a real date. Be ready at 8 SHARP and I’ll pick you up.”

Then, turn and walk away and be ready for that date on Friday.

Note that I didn’t ask her, I TOLD her to be ready. I’m taking back control and power here. To be honest, she’s likely not going to believe you and will probably challenge you to see if you’re serious about this. If you let up even a little, you’re going to lose. This needs to translate right into the date as well. I suggest you use my “Opening Kiss” technique (which I’ve written about numerous times here and on my website.)

Steve, there are many unspoken rules to this game. You need to learn them in order to start having the success you deserve with women. Being the man in the relationship isn’t obvious to most guys. This is the time to get them down so you never have to suffer with this sort of thing again.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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