Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/20/2007

Question
QUESTION: My question is about the girl that could possibly be the one for me. So she sends me a message a few weeks ago we meet up for lunch and a very good one at that. She giving me lots of eye contact and seemed very interested even asked how my past relationships went(she told me that the last 2 she has been cheated on)and thats not my game never has been never will be. Keep in mind we have been out of contact for about 3 years she tells me while we are having our conversation that she was nervous about meeting up-So basically we hit it off have lots in common and our jobs are similar in the fact that we have to grown up and mature. She is a teacher and myself a mortgage loan consultant so our careers are very similar but totally different. My thing is sometimes it takes her a while to call me back or reply to text messages......so is this some kind of game or is she to busy to reply back right then and then forgets? This is making me want her even more and keeps me wondering. What should I do here by the way she just started back to school today. Your help is greatly appreciated and much needed.

ANSWER: Hello Kyle!

Yes, this is a game and yes, it's working pretty well - for her.

Women all have the same goal - to get you to pre-commit to things, to get you to start chasing her, and to drive you crazy. You've already pre-committed to not cheating on her (which is absolutely ridiculous for many reasons), started to chase her by always being the one to initiate conversations and as you've already said, this is making you want her more.

Now, here's the problem: as soon as she realizes that you ARE falling for all of this, her interest level will start to go down - if it hasn't already. Pretty soon, she's going to lose so much interest that she'll just stop returning your phone calls and will start avoiding you.

Let me deal with the cheating thing for a moment just to giev you an idea of how powerful this game really is:

Consider this: she tells you that her last two boyfriends cheated on her and you respond with "Well, that's not MY game..." Ok, fine. Now, this is what she heard: "I can do anything I want to this guy - even cheat on him if I want - and he's already promised not to do that to me! Ka-Ching!!"

Now, here's the reality: when someone cheats in a relationship, BOTH PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT - not just the one cheating! Here's why: you don't know the facts of this situation. Maybe they cheated because she cut them off sexually, or maybe they were already in a relationship (having sex) when they got together and that's what she's claiming is cheating, or maybe her relationship was over but she still wanted to "own" these guys and simply called their moving on "cheating", etc.

Kyle, this is very subtle game, but it's a game nonetheless. What you've done is lower your own social value and power in her eyes by giving away promises for nothing.

Now, she's playing phone games with you. She probably doesn't pick up the phone when she see's it you for a number of reasons:

1) She wants you to think she's busy. She's not. Trust me. Everyone has the same 168 hours in a week, and just because you use them up doesn't mean you use them effectively.

2) She wants to see how hard you'll dance for her. She can take almost all the time in the world to return your calls because she knows that you're waiting by YOUR phone for it. The longer she keeps you there, the less likely it'll be that you're out with a competitor.

3) You know it's rude for her to not pick up or return your phone calls, but this way, she can see just how long you'll hang on.

Kyle, the ultimate problem here is that you've already bought the goods without even seeing them. What in the hell do you mean she "...could possibly be the one..." Based on what? You don't even have this girl yet. You're rushing head-long to give away all your power - the reason why women are attracted to you in the first place - and for what? Nothing yet!

Stop this madness and come on back to reality.

I'd suggest you get scarce for a week or two. Don't call her and don't write her and don't see her. Go find someone else to date. Then, in a couple of weeks, just call her to "check in". If she doesn't pick up or doesn't return your phone call quickly, just tell her that you had tickets to some show you wanted to take her too, but since you didn't hear back from her, you've invited someone else. Then say, "Oh well, next time. Maybe I'll give you a call in a few weeks."

The point is to start taking back that power. If you don't turn this around, you're going to lose this girl because no woman wants to be with someone that will just give everything away.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok I got all that but its not that she doesnt pick up the phone or call me I actually talked to her on Friday night and Saturday night as well. We are trying to plan a dinner/movie date or something so I can talk to her and pick her a brain a bit more. How do I know if she likes me or if theres a chance there to turn this into something? By te way we went to high school together she was a cheerleader I played baseball......she used to write me notes and everything back in those days. Im all confused and cant focus on anything because I have her in my mind 24/7. I want to let her know how I feel for example telling her I want to get to know her better and for her to get to know me better. Is this something that should be done or what do you suggest?

Answer
Hello again Kyle!

Let's not confuse the issue here. Her calling you a few times and talking to her over the weekend doesn't change the fact that she handles your calls rudely. That's what's important - the action, not a few odd events.

What's also important is just what you said here - you're "confused and can't focus". That's exactly what she wants. You're so wrapped up in all of this you can't think straight and are merely reacting rather than making stragetic moves that will work better for both of you.

No, you absolutely should not gush your feelings at her. Again, creepy, knee-jerk behavior. Like I said before, actions are important - and specifically, the RIGHT actions.

Try to imagine a buddy doing these things to you. Would you tolerate him not picking up the phone or calling you in a timely way? I sure wouldn't and I doubt you would either. So, why are you tolerating it with this girl?

You can just say to her, "You know, if you don't know how to use your phone and have to read the manual for days after I call, you're never going to figure me out. I don't have a manual. If you can't return my calls in a timely way, we should probably say goodbye now as I don't put up with rude behavior. I like to think I deserve better."

You DO deserve better and there's nothing wrong with telling her so - and acting like it. Trust me on this one: women appreciate a man that knows what he wants and will make things that way.

Likewise, tell her what you want her to do - not how YOU feel. Tell her that you're going to take her out on Friday night for instance and for her to be ready at 8. Tell her how you'd like her to dress too. Then, spend the time putting on that Kyle-charm and begin to move this forward.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"