Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/24/2007

Question
Hi Dr. Neder,

Hope you are well. Just wanted to say your advice worked like a charm. So the girlfriend and I are back to normality and we're talking lots on the phone after ignoring her for sometime. I've consistently playing hard to get with her, but in a non-chalant way, so she's suspecting that I am playing games. Just today though she came up with a brand new game strategy to throw me off. She mentioned to me today that all of her friends who have boyfriends have ones that are attentive and "do" alot for them. She mentioned to me that I don't "do" much for her. Now, I asked her to explain to me what this "do" is, and she didn't want to go into specifics. Obviously, I have no idea what it is. All I do know is that I have given her lots of gifts in the beginning and I implied if that's what she wanted, she say clearly NO. It wasn't gifts she wanted, but still kept things unclear, I again asked her for examples, but she wouldn't give them to me. She said do whatever your heart tells you to do. Obviously, I am not a dumb guy, and I feel like she's playing me up against her friend's boyfriends to throw me off. Or she's trying to whip me. What do you think of this scenario? What would you recommend I do? I am thinking I should just be the same person.

Regards,

Frank

Answer
Hello again Frank!

This girl is a real game player! She's all about manipulation and is constantly challenging you to stand up to her. You need to ask yourself if this is really the type of relationship you want or not. It's going to take a ramping-up of your aloofness to get this handled.

If she had said this to me I'd have said, "Then, why don't you go steal one of their boyfriends so you can get everything you want? You have my permission. See you later."

Then, I'd have either left or hung up the phone, (Ouch!) and I wouldn't have called her for about a week (double-ouch!) When we next talked, I'd ask her, "So, did you get what you want? You aren't able to explain it to me, so I hope you find it."

Frank, this sort of thing drives the game-player crazy! She's going to realize that she either has to spend her energies trying to build the relationship or destroy it with her games. In other words, if her games cost her nothing - and keep you guessing - what's her motivation to NOT play them? This is all about posturing.

We guys often miss the subtlety of all of this interaction, but let me be clear on this: your girlfriend doesn't miss any of it. Right now, she's convinced that the games ARE the relationship. That's not at all what you want or you're going to have to deal with this over and over again. In effect, she thrives on the drama.

Let me give you an example of a "healthy" relationship:

The two people in the relationship both feel secure and loved. They both get what they want because they first, clearly explain what it is that they need from the relationship - without fear, embarrassement or guilt. Then, put their own individual needs aside in order to "invest" in the needs of the other.

They give everything that they understand the other person needs and when it doesn't fit, the work to adjust it so that it does. These people are committed to each other and the relationship because they know that by filling their partner's needs, their partner also fills theirs.

On the other hand, they don't constantly Test the other person just to prove that they are "man" or "woman" enough to give them what they want. This is an "internal focus" for the relationship - not the much more healthy "external focus" I described before.

So, what do you think is going on in YOUR relationship? Yup - you have an external focus and she has an internal focus. That's never going to work long-term. Her internal focus has been effective so far - right up to when you (quite effectively) started to handle this as The Test we discussed before. This made HER actions have a cost that she didn't want so she began to make changes.

Now, you need to turn that up and make all internal focus actions (those that are for her sole benefit such as challenging you) cost her big! When these strategies no longer work, you're going to find that she throws them away and begins to adopt ones that DO work.

On this note, remember that you have to reward the behaviors that you DO want while punishing those you don't. This may sound a lot like you're training a dog and frankly, it's not far. In many ways we share the same responses - which is why they are our "best friends" - we're so very similiar in many ways.

The Test (and it's evil twins the "Pre-Test", the "Meta-Test" and the "Test by Proxy") are all concepts I get into in my books and if you want to learn all about them, that's the best source. Suffice it to say that it appears she needs more convincing that you can pass her Tests.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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