Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/22/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello Again,
I have to admit that in a way you read my mind and my fears and I think that your advise might really make a difference in my life, Thank you.

My aim was not to seem really hard to get, that was unintentional believe me i dont plan the way i act around him it just seems to happen due to my fears and insecurities but you are perfectly right about whatever you said and I cant agree more. however, i have to say that i dont want him to think that im the type who can sleep with him for a one night thing and then jsut move one, im not that type and i cant even pretend that i am. so you will have to excuse me if i sound complicated at times when it comes to the physical aspect of this relationship.

A new thing has occured a few days back, he travelled last sunday, so saturday night i went too see him with a couple of friends and when we were alone we talked for a bit and of course the communication issue came up and then he said that he knew and that he could feel that i liked him, now im very bad at lying and especially hiding my feelings, so i said yes i like you and i see no reason why i should hide it. now here is the interesting part, after  i said that i like him and that im not sure about his feelings toward me he says that he likes me .....as a friend....
here is even a more interesting bit, while we were saying bye he kisses me and i guess he realised that i really wanted him so we made out and he carried me upstairs however i jsut couldnt get the words "i like you as a friend" out of my mind and i didnt want to go too fast because i know that it would be the end of it, so i said no and he was really a gentlman about it he stopped and he left in a very polite way which jsut makes him even more attractive in my eyes right now.

As a man, can you please tell me what in the world does it mean to tell a woman that you like her as a friend and then you carry her to your bed? does he just want to get in my pants or is he playing with my mind?

I know that this might be wishful thinking but i can feel that he likes me, i just do, and my friend even asked him if he likes me and she said that he wouldnt answer but he had a smile on his face, im so confused how am i supposed to understand all these mixed signals?

I want to change to the better not for his sake but for mine, for my own peace of mind and to avoid regretting anything in the future, Thank you for your patience and time
ANSWER: Hello "Me Again"!

You're very welcome.

Actually, I would never presume that you wanted just a one-night stand with him - or anyone for that matter!

Here you go again! You're trying to "read into" everything. You're trying to see beyond his words and not look at his actions.

Frankly, Diana, I don't know specifically what he wants because I can't read his mind from way over here. What I *do* know is specifically what you told me:

He TOLD you he only liked you as a "friend". That tells you everything you need to know about a future with him.

The took you to bed, which tells you he wants sex with you. That tells you everything about the moment.

Thus...

If you want a one-night stand with him, then that's exactly what he's telling you. Why are you constantly trying to make things more complicated than they are???

If you *don't* want just a one-night stand, then you need to express this to him. Tell him CLEARLY AND SPECIFICALLY that sex to you means more than being "friends". It means that you're working together on something more. If he can't do that, then you're going to have to move on.

Stop trying to make things something that they're not! It looks pretty clear to me - friends with benefits is what he's offering. If that's not what you want, then go find someone that shares your goals!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: As usual, you were clear and concise and you helped me see where is the problem from my perspective. you are perfectly right he probably wants us to be friends with benefits and i didnt talk about it yet because he is abroad right now, but if i  meet him again when he comes back ,which i probably will, then i will make sure that i communicate that with him. The problem is that i want him real bad, but i know that its not what i really want, so i guess you are right i should just move on and that is exactly what i will do. Please allow me to stay in touch with you and to tell you of any new changes that occur. Thank you for your time and advice.  

Answer
Yo! Diana!

"Clear and concise"? I was going for "vague and redundant".

Here's the fact: you can have anything in your life that you want - just not "anybody".

If you want to write again, please use my email address: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"