Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/30/2007

Question
So theres this girl I know from school; I have actually known her for a while now, and I get the feeling I'm in love with her. Shes pretty beautiful, and after a bit of seeing her in my classes and meeting her near my locker, we have become good friends. I personally know her pretty well, but heres the catch.

Ever since I first saw her, I have had a strong attraction to her. Not like a "Sexy wanna-do-you" type of attaction but definitely a love-like one. Its hard to describe, but I think I'm in love with her. However, I'm not 100% sure that its love I'm feeling. Yes, I feel a strong attraction to her and want to make her happy and be her boyfriend, but its a different feeling than other times I like a girl. Ever since I have gotten to know her, the attraction can be described as follows: I have a very strong urge to just be there for her, to protect her when she is in need, to care for her. Its like my body wants me to keep her safe and not let anything happen to her. Almost like a sisterly love. Like if anything happened to her, it would be the end of the world for me. My body thinks I'm her personal body guard, her guardian angle, and someone who can't let anything hurt this girl.

But I'm not sure if its love. It would seem that it is, but it just doesn't feel the same as other times I have been in love. I want to know if its love so I can decide whether I'm ready to ask her out or not, cause I know if it isn't love then in the end I might be heartbroken.

So please, my only question is "Is it love? Or is it just a friendly urge to protect her?"

Answer
Hello Michael!

First of all, no - you're not in love with her. At the most, you're in lust with her! Don't give her so much power over you by thinking you're in love - you don't even know this girl!! By handing over all your power, you can't possibly deal with this effectively as you'll be too scared to lose someone you love! Don't EVER think you're in love with someone or something until you own them or it!

What's really going on is that you've spent hour upon hour imaging what this girl is really like - without knowing her at all! You've built up all sorts of things that fit you and your needs and thus, you've built an incredibly strong attraction for this girl without even knowing who she really is. Trust me on this one: you're going to be very surprised when you find out that she's quite different than you think!

You should have asked her out a long time ago - almost the instant you saw her - rather than having waited to build all these misconceptions about her. Now, not only do you have to battle your own drives (and here's the reality: love, like sex isn't an emotion, it's a drive) but you have to do it while thinking (wrongly) that you have to have this girl!

Frankly, you've dug a big hole for yourself by not getting to things quickly. I hope you see this as a lesson so that you don't repeat it. Stop thinking that you're in love with this girl - you're not - and DO something that may turn into love if you're lucky. Further, don't have being in love with her as a goal. Instead, focus on getting to know her and giving her your love IF AND ONLY IF she turns out to be worthy of it. Nobody deserves your love for free.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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