Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/7/2007

Question
Hi Dennis,

Can u give me half a dozen or so "negs", or whatever u call them, that I can use to girls at my college that I would otherwise not know, around say the library, computer rooms,printing n copying stations, cafes etc.

Really good negs would be absolutely most valuable to me.

Also do you think stealing the metaframe of a HB is a good way to establish repore or can the HB see straight through a well acted metaframe reversal.  

Answer
Hello Jim!

Yeah, I can give you a ton of them. I have a bunch of them in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II", but I think you're missing the point here.

Many guys (apparently, including you) want to use negs just like pick-up lines and doing this is just as ineffective. The right negs only work as part of your context for the approach. Saying "I like the color of that blouse. It reminds me of one my grandmother wears" is a neg, but it's a lousy approach! You have no context to be making the comment in the first place - and your target damn-well knows it. Thus, you're going to get shot down or worse, humiliated and ignored.

Some guys try to use "Excuse me but you have something weird stuck in your teeth" as an approach. Again, she'll just say, "Oh! Thanks" and run to the bathroom. You'll have lost everything. When she comes out and you approach her again to "see if she got it", you instantly come from a far weaker position because she just checked and knows that there was nothing there to begin with! Crash and burn.

However, imagine that you've already done the approach and have built some rapport with her. Now if you use that neg, she'll respond very differently! She'll be embarrassed that you've been sitting there talking to her while she had this ugly thing in her teeth and you can handle it very differently too.

The far-best way to use negs is based on the context of your approach. If you and she are sitting there talking and you've build even the smallest bit of rapport (which leads to connection which leads to attraction), you can bust her on something she's said - or even the way she says it.

The point about negs that you're missing is that you can't memorize them up-front and think they'll give you what you want. They won't.

One example of a context-neg (of the types I teach my students) is to listen to what she's saying. When she throws some boast at you, tries to act smart, wants to talk about current events, etc., you should just look at her for about a second and a half, and then roll your eyes and sigh loudly. This both busts her and negs her at the same time. The important part however is that is instantly changes the dynamic of the approach - and more specifically your perceived level of power within it. You want to express your greater value to the point where your close is assured and this does it in one single move. By acting like you're not concerned if you insult her, you create a new, instant social dynamic. Do you see how it works?

With metaframes, reframes and rev-metaframes, I think it CAN work, but I see most guys (again) blowing it. You have to establish the foundation for the metaframe from the instant you approach. This is why the 3-second rule is so critical. There's a very different feeling between the guy that walks into a crowded bar, coffeeshop or whatever, finds his first target and opens the set right away from the guy that sits there, looking around and takes 45 minutes to open his first set. The metaframe in the latter case is one of weakness, not strength, not "ownership" of the place and the situation.

The implied metaframe in a club or bar is that the girls are the prizes. This is why I tell guys that clubs and bars are the worst place there is to meet women! You not only have to counter this metaframe (rev-metaframe) but you have to also build rapport and connection at the same time. This takes huge game that you build via successes. Most guys don't have enough of these successes under their belts to have the metaframe to move things foward (and thus develop even greater success and power as a metaframe) in the first place!

It's far better to build that impression up front BEFORE the approach so that you carry it through rather than trying to take it away during the set. It's also far easier!

Hope that helps!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"