Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/26/2006

Question
Thanks a lot. One last question, should I pursue her and ask her out or should i let her ask me to go out?
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

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Thanks a lot. All I want out of this is sex but I don't know if I should just give her the cold shoulder alltogether or just keep acting like im interested.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

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Hello, there is a woman at my job who I am sort of going out with. I am 25 and she is 41. She is still living with her husband and her her 10 year old daughter. She is in the middle of a divorce but according to her her husband is going to take the daughter because of the fact that she makes more money and he spends more time with her because he works from home. I don't really care about that but the thing is that it complicates matters. Now I have tried to go out with her several times but something always comes up that her daughter has practice or her husband leaves the kid home alone after school or whatever. She also fooled around with another guy at work but according to her and him thats over. Well anyways, I finally got her alone last Saturday for lunch and I told her that I liked her and she agreed to going out with me. Well, we were supposed to go out yesterday but she couldn't go becuase her husband left the kid home alone. So then today she gave me a very nice guess shirt as a gift. But I won't see her until January so when she was leaving I took her out int he parking lot and no one was around and she gave me a hug and I tried to get a kiss out of her but she was like "No, I won't kiss you, I can't risk it, I'll kiss you when we go out." We have yet to kiss. All she does is hug me tightly and kiss me on the cheek. I mean a couple of people at work know her husband so I guess its a valid excuse. SO based on the fact that she has sold me out a few times and what happened today, do u think she does want soemthing with me, or is just toying around? When I confronted her a few days ago, I asked what she wanted and she said she wanted something serious. She wanted to get to know me and gou out that shes not a drive thru. I mean I know the kid comes first but its still frustrating. I just want to do her and thats that.
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Hello John!

Right now, she's playing with you. In effect, she's using you to explore her new (or soon-to-be) freedom. That works against you as she doesn't really see you seriuosly.

You didn't mention what you wanted here. Maybe it's just sex or maybe you'd like to actually date her for awhile. Either way, that's fine, but you can't let her have all the control.

Having her call you up at the last minute and cancel is RUDE! Further, it's just a convenient excuse - after all, how can you argue with this? While she seems to be acting like the good, concerned, responsible parent, she's also manipulating you - and not in a good way.

This is the time to get in touch with your own inner asshole. The next time you set up a date, ask her, "So, are you going to have any more last-minute 'emergencies'? If so, I'll find someone else without kids to go out with instead."

Hard-ass? You bet, but it gets better....

If she calls you up at the last minute to cancel because of the kid, say, "Tough. You and I have a date tonight and I'm not going to play around with you. Get a babysitter if you need, but I expect you to act like an adult here."

Holy shit!!

Yes John, you really have some power here. You have the right to not be treated like a toy and to be used to boost her sagging ego. If she really wants your time, she has to respect it, but she never will if you don't expect her to - and enforce your own rights.

She's 41 years old for piss sakes! She needs to grow up and learn how to operate a fucking calendar! It's wrong for her to use you for her own benefit but it's even worse for you to let her do this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
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Hello again John!

You're very welcome.

I don't think you want to take either extreme. It's better to walk the line right down the middle. This is somewhat difficult to do, but with a little practice, you'll give a sense of exactly what will work.

I suggest that you give her attention when she seems interested and sexual towards you and then take it away when she doesn't. On a subconscious level, this gives her feedback as to what "works" with you and what doesn't.

If she acts sexual (the direction you want to go), give her lots of attention and affection. Touch her, say nice things to her (but avoid compliments) and be attentive and engaging - even making her laugh. When she's not this way, pull back your interest and find other things to do.

If you haven't already, you need to kiss her. Don't let her control this either. Even if you're in the parking lot at work, (and you're SURE nobody else is around), steal that first kiss and get it out of the way. You can even corner her in a back room somewhere when you're sure nobody else will be there, steal a quick, sensual kiss (not sloppy) and then leave her alone with her head spinning. Trust me, you'll have her attention the rest of the day!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

Answer
Yo! John!

The age difference has nothing to do with whom pursues whom. It's your job as the man to do this. Follow my previous advice and "manage" her reactions - don't be led by them - and you'll get what you want.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"