Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/26/2006

Question
About seven years ago, I dated this girl casually for a couple of weeks.  I met her through a mutual friend.  We had all joined the same club at college together.  Much to my chagrin, she decided she was not ready for a serious relationship at the time and decided to break things off.  For a time thereafter, there was some animosity between us.  I've seen her at several events since then, but the last time I saw her, she was with somebody else and so was I.  My father passed away about 2 weeks ago, and much to my surprise, she sent a sympathy card.  
Last Saturday, I had seen her at an event at my college, and this time, she was very nice to me and gave me a big hug.  She came by herself.  
I would really like to find out if she is single, and if so, if there would be any interest at all in starting up a relationship with me again?  She has a birthday coming up in October.  I would ask her best friend what to do, but I have always felt she had a crush on me.  I would appreciate any advice you could give.  Thanks.

Answer
Hello Karl!

I tell guys this fact all the time: it's easier to steal someone else's girlfriend than to keep one of your own. The point being, it's not important whether she's single or not! If she's not married or engaged, she's "available" to you.

The issue is really whether she's attracted to you or not. You need to understand that women are ALWAYS "ready" for a relationship. Saying that she's not is "womanese" for "I'm not ready for a relationship ... WITH YOU!"

Here's an important thing to remember: just like you "define yourself" by your job, women "define themselves" by their relationships! If they're in a strong, successful relationship, they feel successful themselves. If they're in an unhappy relationship, they are unhappy too.

Thus, the excuse about not "being ready" is only an excuse by someone that wasn't interested in you. Wouldn't it be great if women just came out and say what they really think? I guess if they did however, I'd be out of work!

So now, the question becomes, is she interested in you? Obviously, I dont' read minds to answer that question, but I doubt things have changed much. You should just get it over with and go find out - ask her out on a date. Don't accept "I'm STILL not ready..." however.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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