Expert: Aaron Beck - 9/25/2006

Question
Thanks for your response. Although it was a bit late.
I strongly think alike with you as regard her behavour toward she dating for now. It seems she is not interested yet, but with my persitency, i have noticed some tremendous changes as time attention from her has increased so much. Do you know that yesternight she called at around 8:30 PM asking me not to sleep off. She says she will like to gist with me on phone. Lo and behold she called on phone at about 1:00 AM and we gisted for more than 2hrs which is completely incredible. she went so far talking about sex of which i gave her good response and i noticed she really enjoy the discussion because she sound to be in graet ecstacy. After a while she says my MACHINE (D--K) is not sound and even went further that it will only work if it is charged, then i gently asked if she want to confirm and she says NO, but its just that she thought as much. Without much hesitation i told her that until i come to her place or she comes to my place, she will know. Then she said if i try IT (S-X) she will bite me of which i said is okay by me and she laughed. then we talk and talk and talk about lots of other things.

Aaron please with this kind of uncensored romantic call, could you tell me what this girl is upto and do you think i should do when i call or see her. Anyway i know we would have spoken before i get reply to this letter, but nevertheless i will appreciate immediate response.

Thanks once again my great teacher.  -------------------------

Followup To

Question -
I have fallen for a girl that i have know since i was in university. Though i never asked her out then but we normally greet eachother on a casual level. about 4 years after graduating from university, icame across this girl again and the affection towards her start to develop vigorously. We call each other  every day  and hang out most times whenever she is in town. I have taken the bold step of asking her out, but she says NO! However i kept on being friendly with her and she always respond well in giving me her attention and time whenever it is required. when i presurised her the more she told me that she is in a relationship that is not doing well, but she is okay with the guy. I even asked her to let me know the guy in question but her response was that the guy will be jealous if he knows me. we are so close that we talk about everything about ourselfs but whenever i mention about relationship she will say lets just continue like te way we are going since it is only God that will tell who she will marry. Last week she just celebrated her birthday of which she took me out and we had a nice time to an extent that we spent over 12 hours together gisting before we later moved to her house to play although we did not have sex but i try some touches which she did not resist totally. I am not sure she has a BF based on the time she spent with me whenever she is in town co she claimed that her BF is in the same town where i live. But I think she just considers me a friend.  She is two years younger than me but I have more energy. I'm not a cradile rocker honest. She has confident in me by response but yet hides behind the desk so she has not cofessed it by her mouth to say YES to me  I just love how she is spontanous and dreams has big as I do. What do you think I could do to win her heart?



Answer -
Trams,

I read your letter and I think you are doing things correctly.

One of the problems you are going to experience is that she will not be totally honest with you concerning the situation.  This includes her relationship with her boyfriend or how she really feels about you.  This is normal human behavior and not deceptive on her part.

I can positively tell you that if she was very much interested in you, she would already have let you know.  She is (right now) using the excuse of the BF as a reason for not getting closer to you and the reason she does not want to get closer to you is that she is not interested in you enough (at present) to do so.  In other words, it has nothing to do with the BF.  Now that may sound bad for you but until you see the actual dynamics of the situation you can’t proceed.

It sounds like you are doing most things correctly; spending time with her, making advances, attempting to touch or kiss her etc.  that’s good.  The only thing I would change is you must somehow let her know that you are interested in her and you aren’t going to stop trying so she might as well give up right now!  That may seem like a bold statement but she needs to know your commitment and your intent.  What you cannot do is fall into a pattern of being just a friend to her or the relationship will develop along those lines.  

You have asked her out and she said “No” and gave various excuses (BF etc) but as I said, the real reason is that she is not yet sufficiently interested in you as a lover to go out with you.   

Your original question is “Does she really want to date me?” and the answer is No, not right now BUT(!) it’s not up to her.  You have to make her know that it is just a matter of time until she will be your GF.  You can be very confident in saying it too because she has given you enough reason to be optimistic.  She IS interested in you and you have every right to be confident of the outcome.  Right now she is enjoying the attention you are giving her and she is very flattered.

When you tell her you are interested, do it in a confident way and if she says “no”, just say, “That’s OK but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m interested in you and I’m going to keep trying”, then change the subject to something else.  You are doing great and acting just like a man should -- you see what you want and you’re going after it.

In conclusion, you are definitely on the right track and if you take the advise I have given you, you will win this woman ... and if you don’t you will have at least maximized the situation and acted as a man should.

AB


Answer
Trams,

I think you are doing great with this woman.  Everything is going great.  How can you doubt that she is interested in you.

She is a little bit shy which is why she is more open and uninhibited on the phone than she is in person (face to face).  If you really want to make her feel sexy, you should write her a sexy email or letter.  Women have much more imagination about romance than men do and if she sees your words written down it will be very flattering to her.

I cannot tell you exactly what to say because I don’t know what you have said to her so far so start off slowly but be sure and include some romantic/sexy talk.  I know that will work on her.

You must being to write to her either by email, letter or card.

AB