Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/17/2006

Question
I walked into a car dealer and this stunning Japanese 30 year old saleswoman , accosted me in a more than friendly way even knowing I was already being attended to by another sales person. The eye contact and interest level was mutual.
I am 52 years old and I have a beautiful Japanese wife and 3 lovely boys (married 8 years).
I felt extremely tempted so I decided to "shake this off" by
taking my whole Family to see the car under negotiation.
The other person (I confess I got crushed on her) patrolled up and down in evident survey.
Next day she flat ignored me but subsequently ensured I got linked to her ORKUT profile with some highly motivating pictures.
I wrote her an eulogy that a devout churchgoer makes the sign of the cross or reveres a church when he passes it although the one he frequents may be in another parish and that she had admirable qualities.
After that she was affable but aloof-have I successfully purged her interest away from me and reduced the threat on my happy marriage ?
In all honesty I can´t take her off my mind , but I also Love my wife and kids more than Life. What is going on ? What , if anything can develop ? Was i able to successfully ZAP this lady´s interest level (even if I am interested?)
Its a confusing embroglio -did I do the right thing ?
Can you advise me ?

Answer
Hello John!

First of all, don't be hard on yourself about this attraction. Many people carry guilt because they become interested in someone else when they're in a committed relationship or marriage. This is based on the belief that once you fall in love with someone you'll never see anyone else as attractive again.

In fact, that is a complete fallacy. What most often happens is that you become even more appreciative of other women (or for women, men.) This is completely normal and nothing to feel guilt over. The key is your commitment to your partner. That's why we make these promises.

I'm not sure why you felt you had to write that note to her, but if she's giving you a wide berth, it definitely appears to have had the desired affect. One thing to keep in mind is that people that service the public (waitresses, front-office people, bartenders and car salespeople) often come off as more interested and enthusiastic simply because it's their job!

I can't tell you how many letters I get from guys that start, "There's this waitress at a restaurant I go to that really seems interested in me..." Nine times out of ten, she's just doing her job.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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