Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/9/2007

Question
QUESTION: I've been dating this girl for about 6 months now and she is a virgin who has had a previous long term relationship.  We openly talk about how much we love each other and the future and stuff and we feel we are perfect for each other and will be together forever.  She says she knows that I am going to be her first, and isnt particularly saving herself for marriage but still insists on waiting until she's ready.  She says she never felt like this about her ex boyfriend and really wants to but is also a little scared. Sometimes she tells me it will be sooner than later, sometimes its 2 years, and sometimes its when she is ready.  We do basically everything else but have sex and we both really enjoy it.  She always says she doesn't want to get my hopes up or disappoint me if its longer than she says, but my question is if she truly believes we will be together forever and loves me, why won't she tell me HOW ready she is and I'm sure she has some idea.  What are your thoughts on this? Why do I have to wait so long?
ANSWER: Hello Shaun!

Here's why: she's misdirecting you. She believes that if she doesn't keep the offer of sex on the table, that you'll leave her for someone that will have sex with you.

Further, she believes that she can keep this going forever if she wants to, and she realizes that you don't know the difference.

You haven't told me your ages and that makes some difference, but if you're both old enough to be in a solid relationship, then you're probably old enough to start having sex. With that in mind, I suggest that unless you want to remain in a sexless relationship, you make some changes here.

The best way to do that is to say, "Look - I respect your wishes to stay a virgin, but you have to understand that I have needs too - just like you do. Thus, you can stay a virgin as long as you want, but I'm going to get my sexual needs met elsewhere. When you're ready, I'll be here for you."

Shaun, sex is an important part of any healthy relationship. If she doesn't think she's "ready" then she's also not ready for a healthy relationship between you two. She has her rights, but you also have yours and her choices may lead to you finding someone else, but then that too is her choice.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yes, we are both 21 which I think is old enough, and I think leaving her is out of the question because I have an attachment to her that goes beyond sex. She thinks she is addressing my needs by giving head and stuff.  And she likes to do other kinky stuff so I think she would really enjoy it.  Plus she always says once when start I think I will want to all the time.  She always lets it come close put pulls away if it gets too close.  It's just real confusing and I would rather have a solid answer from her so that I can at least look forward to it or no that I won't be waiting forever.  

Answer
Hello again Shaun!

Honestly? This woman's views on sex are pretty screwed up! What exactly is so precious about her hymen that she is terrified to give it up to someone she supposedly cares about - maybe even loves?

What many women (your girlfriend included) don't realize is that by her holding back, you're also subconsciously holding back an important part of yourself too. This is common for men and very few will truely fall in love with a woman until we have her physically. This is a good example of where we guys are physically driven. Worse, I'll bet that you're going to the ends of the earth to meet her emotional needs.

I'm not talking about leaving her at all. I'm simply saying that you want and deserve to have everything - the emotional AND the physical elements of the relationship. She knows this and that's why she keeps sex on the table, but if she's unwilling or incapable of providing for YOUR needs just as you do hers, then she has to be willing to let you get your needs met elsewhere - and you SHOULD.

If this were me and some girl told me "...maybe two years..." then I'd say, "Ok, I'll see you in two years when you're ready for a real relationship - I just hope I don't meet someone that's healthier before then."

Her being "ready" is just an excuse. She's obviously ready for everything else! How hypocritical is that? Shaun, what's worse here is that it's YOUR job to set the pace here - not hers. This is almost sounding more like a power play than any thing else. Eventually, she's going to get the idea that she's in control and that you're just along for the ride. No woman will put up with that for very long. If they wanted that, they'd date their girlfriends, not guys.

The bottom line is this: you're going to do what you want, and if you've already given away everything, that's your choice. You both are old enough to make good decisions about your relationship and sex lives, but here's one thing I absolutely know for sure: a sexless relationship leads to a sexless life. If she has some mental problem with sex, she needs to see someone and get it dealt with. Virginity is highly overrated.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"