Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/1/2007

Question
Hello,
I came across your profile on this website and thought you might be able to help me, which would be great. I will try to make this as short as I can because I'm sure you are busy, but I want to get in as many details as I can.

In December 2005, I met a girl at work. I manage a retail establishment and she came to my store to help for the holidays. We worked together about a month before I told her I liked her on her last day there. She said she felt the same way, but she had a boyfriend. I really wanted something with her, but I knew I couldn't have it. I stayed friends with her and we talked now and then. But it got hard for me to do so, and I tried to back away.

About 6 weeks ago, the company we worked for and she decided to part ways. She called me for advice about what to do, and I helped her through everything. I told her I would always be there if she needed something, and she seemed to really appreciate this.

Since then, she has been calling me A LOT. But, she still has this boyfriend. She complains about him often, but I try not to offer an opinion on him one way or another. This girl is 21 years old, and I am 28. Her boyfriend is about her age, and doesn't have his own car, he has a low paying job, and he can't really provide much for her. She also has 3 kids, something that doesn't bother me.

Me on the other hand, I own my own home, have a steady, good paying job, and am very responsible, so I think she may see something there. In addition to her phone calls, she's also been coming down to my store to visit and "hang out", almost on a daily basis. Last week we got to talking, and I let some words slip out. I told her that there are so many things I wish I could tell her, but I just can't. She pressured me to do so for quite awhile, but finally gave up and didn't bring it up again. I told her that what I had to say didn't matter as long as she has a boyfriend. Plus, I don't want to whine to her about the way I feel again, I've already done that twice in the past.

I want to make it clear that all the contact between us is being initiated by her. I just want to know why. Obviously, she knows I'm crazy about her (and I am), but I'm not about to destroy her relationship with him for me. At the same time, I would be lying if I said I didn't wish they break up.

So, the question is, what do I do? Continue to talk to her as I do now, or just let it go? I'm not interested in being "just friends" with her. It has become very difficult for me to be in the position I'm in, but I do so because if I go away, I lose the chance with her. Do you see any way things could work out for me without interfering in their relationship? I just feel she's waiting for something from me.

Any advice you have would be very much appreciated! Thank you!

Answer
Hello Travis!

Holy shit Travis! She's 21 years old and has 3 kids and isn't even married to the father???? What is she, a human xerox machine? You say that this doesn't bother you, but it'd better. You're just burrying your head in the sand otherwise. Frankly, I think you're out of your mind!

There's a ton of things you don't know about this situation and you're either trying not to know or you're just oblivious to it all. I suggest you read this article for a little perspective: http://beingaman.com/articleviewer.asp?ID=67

Ok with that said, let's move on to the second problem...

You're already just her "friend". Travis, let's say that you weren't the guy that manages a retail store. Instead, you were George Clooney. Do you really think she's be hanging on to her boyfriend like this? Seriously? I sure don't! She'd stop all her complaining and get right to dumping him. Hmmm...let's think about this...why won't she do that for you? Hmmm....

Problem #3:

It's been 2 fucking years already!!! In all of that time, you've told her how you feel and she's done absolutely nothing about it - other than to use your own attraction against you; getting help, letting you entertain her, etc. So, who exactly is raising her kids when she's at the store being entertained by you???

There's one more thing I want to point out here: let's analyze WHY you told her how you felt about her. It's pretty simple really: you're a pussy. You went to her and professed your feelings for her hoping that she'd tell you she felt the same. She did - great so far. But then, you were also hoping that she'd do the rest of your work for you too. She didn't and so instead of moving forward, you did nothing - and you've been waiting for TWO YEARS!!!

Now, you use the excuse that you don't want to cause the breakup of her and her boyfriend. Here's another thing you need to look at: go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the video on "friends" under "BAM TV".

WHY THE HELL NOT???? (Answer: you're a pussy - sorry Travis, it's true.) The only way you can keep things going is to continue to feed her ego and you're terrified of losing her, so you just continue while she eats up all your help and attention - and then goes home and bangs the boyfriend she doesn't care for. Nice picture, huh?

To be honest Travis, I think you've totally lost your chance here. If this had been me, I'd have closed her right away - way before 1 month to her leaving the company. I'd have shown her (through my actions) that I'm a much better choice than her boyfriend; and I would never have told her how I felt about her; hoping that she'd do all my work for me. Instead, I'd have just gone and taken what I wanted - all without excuse.

Now you find yourself no further along than you were 2 years ago and you're still holding out hope. Just think of all the incredible women you've probably passed up waiting for this 21-year-old mother of 3!

I'm going to tell you what you need to do, but let's be gentlemen about this: you're not going to do it. That's because it means you have to get out of your little fairyland dreams and come into the real world. After 2 years of this, why should you change things now?

What you need to do is to tell her to stop coming to the store unless she's laying out cash. You're tired of her stringing you along with for loser boyfriend of hers and if she can't see it, then that makes her a loser too - especially when she is losing a chance with a great guy like you. Then, you need to tell her to get a babysitter for the weekend and to be ready when you pick her up. Finally, you need to kiss this girl like she's never been kissed before. You need to make her toes curl and her head spin.

What's that I hear? Is that the sound of your knees rattling together? Yup - it sure is. Travis, you and I know that you're not going to do this. You're going to continue to hold out hope that she'll change her mind or that her boyfriend will finally get tired of her shit and dump her and that you'll have a chance - which you won't. If she had wanted to be with you, she'd be with you.

I'm sorry to be so hard on you here, but your chance got up and walked out the door years ago. You're still just hanging on to hope - and for what?

Eventually, she's going to get bored with you and the situation and move on. She'll decide for you that she needs someone/something else. Just think of how many more great girls are going to pass right through your store that you're going to ignore because you're focused on this one girl that only wants you for the attention/ego boost she gets.

I sincerely hope that you'll bottom-line this thing and get it over with. If you make a move you're going to get an answer - yes or no. If it's yes, you'll have beaten the huge odds and proven me wrong (I sincerely hope you do!) If it's no, you'll at least be able to put this terrible chapter of your life away and you won't be so dumb about things in the future. Either way, you win! I couldn't hope for more for you than this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"