Expert: Aaron Beck - 10/5/2006

Question
I met a girl in college.  After having two classes with her one semester of somewhat being friends, I rarely saw her.  When we did see each other we smiled and said hello.  Being very shy and having few opportunities nothing developed.  I asked her out once over the phone, but she had a boyfriend and I'm not even sure she knew it was me.  When I graduated I sent her a letter saying to keep in touch with no response.  Half a year later I found her email and emailed her, stating my feelings.  She replied "Thank you for telling me," "I have a boyfriend," and "Let's keep in touch."  I kept in touch, but she didn't email me much.  Three months after my last email I tried again to no response.  I've tried to forget her, but there's no one else I want to be with.  I'm stuck.

Answer
Michael,

I salute you for overcoming your shyness enough to continuing to try with this girl even though she didn’t give you much to work with.  You have also done the one thing I would normally suggest in a situation like this: you told her how you feel about her.

Most women understand that it is difficult for a man to “make the first move” and tell her how he feels and it sounds like she respects you for having done so (the “Thank you for telling me” comment).  

Unfortunately, I don’t know what to suggest as a follow up.  You have asked her and she said no.  It happens.  At this point, you run the risk of upsetting her if you keep trying.

Having said all that, there is the old adage, “Most women aren’t strong enough to resist true love”.  In other words, if you keep at her long enough, she’ll come around to your way of thinking.  Usually ones instincts are pretty good in these matters, so if you are compelled to peruse this woman, then possibly there is potential for something eventually happening.

If I had to suggest something, I would say write her an email that says essentially the following:

“Karen, by now you know that I’d like to see you romantically.  I understand that you might not feel the same way about me (right now) but that doesn’t change the way I feel about you.  You need to know that I want to see you and if you open the door -- even a crack -- I’m coming in.” (Provide her with your full contact info)

I wish I could be more optimistic.  

I had a very similar situation in college with a girl named Cindy Bell.  She was dating a guy and eventually married him but I found out a couple of years later that they divorced and I tried to re-establish with her but it became obvious that she didn’t want to see me.  After I was sure I had made my point, I had a much better, more healthy perspective on the situation and was able to more easily move on.  

Michael, you mentioned shyness and as you might suspect, it’s the number one question I get.  Awhile back I wrote a long email to a college student named Ritchie and he said it worked will for him so I’m going to provide you a partial reprint of it below.  It may not be specifically applicable to you but it is interesting reading.

(start)

NOTE: Because of the text editor they use here, I am unable to underline words that I want to emphasize so when I want to use underlining, I use ALL CAPS instead.  It’s a bit awkward but you’ll get used to it.

The first part of this letter is just some general advice -- not specifically directed at you but applicable to meeting women in general.

Most of the time when men aren’t meeting enough women, the culprit is one of the following three:

1.   Not approaching enough (any) women in the first place
2.   Not closing the women they do approach
3.   Improper sorting process

#1)  Failure to approach

Not approaching enough/any women is the number one reason men don’t meet acceptable women.  As I say in my book, you have to at least give her the chance to say “Yes”.  And if you never approach (or otherwise make contact) -- that cannot happen.  

You mentioned that you talked to the redhead working in the mall so you are willing to take action -- approaching women in a public place -- which, I promise you, is more than most men do.

SPECIAL NOTE:  ALL men are shy to some extent around women (overcoming shyness is the number one question I get), in fact it is so prevalent, so endemic, so universal that it is the rule as opposed to the exception.  I eventually asked myself why this seemingly destructive behavior was the norm -- there had to be a reason.  I believe that it’s the human equivalent of what animals go through by fighting for dominance, to feel the fear and do it anyway, to face your fears etc (excuse the psychobabble).

I mention this not directly because of anything you said (though you did mention that you feel “tense” when you talk to women).

I’m going to show you a technique later on that I think will help you with any shyness you might feel but for now, let’s continue with the reasons men don’t meet more desirable women.

#2) Failure to close

When I use the word “close”, I’m using a salesman’s term which essentially means to ask for the sale.  Many men will talk to a woman for hours without ever saying anything remotely like, “So, how can I go about seeing you again?” or “you’re very easy to talk to, can we sit somewhere and have a cup of coffee?”

And of course the reason men fail to close is that they are afraid of rejection, i.e. they are afraid to take an emotional risk (see SPECIAL NOTE on fear above).  Emotional risk is an interesting concept; men will take physical risks (riding motor-cycles, serving in the military, drinking and driving, etc.) yet fail to take emotional risks, like asking a woman out.  The irony is that physical risks can cause permanent damage, or in some cases, even kill you, whereas emotional risks not only don’t harm you, they actually make you a better, stronger, healthier person.  

In your case with the RH in the mall, you said her attitude wasn’t good (and it probably wasn’t) so you didn’t try and close but you understand my point.

So that’s the second reason.  

#3)  Improper sorting technique

The thirds reason is what I call improper sorting technique or, if you prefer, “targeting”.  Everyone goes through a sorting process when they consider someone they might be romantically interested in.  This sorting process is initially weighted toward the physical since that’s all we have to go by.  For example, as a 20 year old man, you might automatically (consciously or unconsciously) sort out (or eliminate) women over 25 or under 17, or you might sort based on weight or height etc.  The reason I mention this is because often I find that men are eliminating some very fine women without even realizing it.

The next time you are out in public, notice the number of women you automatically eliminate (i.e. sort out) and then ask yourself, “What if SHE approached me?  Would I then be interested?”  

It’s a very important question because if you answer “Yes”, then you have just found a woman that you may have previously sorted out and you open up your options tremendously.  Sometimes -- in the case of a beautiful woman -- it’s an obvious and resounding “Yes!, I’d love for her to approach me!” (she won’t by the way) but just as often, you might see that it’s you who are being picky.  This may not be an issue with you but I mention it to close the loop on the dynamic of meeting women.

As far as specifically meeting women, I have two plans for you.  First is what is called the “Hi” program.  For the next two weeks, EVERY woman you see, say “Hi” (or hello) to her.  That’s it.  She doesn’t have to acknowledge you or answer back but you have to say it and you have to say it loud and clear enough so that she definably hears you ... and smile.  

Don’t expect anything from this, you’re just looking to get the basic female reaction.  After you feel comfortable with that, change the greeting to “Hi, are you doing alright today?”  You have to use those EXACT WORDS because it demands a response.  Do it in a natural way as if it’s no big deal (and it isn’t), for all they (the women) know, it’s just your natural way of greeting people.  Remember I said ALL women, regardless of age or looks etc. what you’re looking for is the reaction.

Now for something I think you’ll like and you can start this right away.  Start introducing yourself to women.  There is a specific technique that I think will amaze you with it’s simplicity and it’s efficacy.  It’s called ... the handshake.  And there is a specific way of doing it.  Next time you talk to any woman for ANY period of time, say to her:

“BTW, my name is Ritchie Lastname” and extend your hand with the palm up at a 45-degree.  She will naturally extend her hand to shake with you.  At this point you will basically be holding her hand as if your were about to kiss it -- don’t do that but that’s the ergonomics (or anatomy) of the position.  She will likely give you her name but if she doesn’t, keep holding her hand and say, “and you are?”  In any event, keep holding her hand until the full introduction is over.  

As your shaking her hand, slowly roll your palm even more toward the 90 degree palm up position -- your hand is on the bottom and hers on the top -- and then simply release your hold and she will naturally drag her hand out of yours and her fingertips will likewise naturally drag against yours.  Pretty sexy and shell know it.  If you can, look straight into her eyes the whole time which is natural when you meet someone.  

Believe me Ritchie, she’ll know that you are sending a message.  I’m telling you this works on women from 9-90, it awakens some type of genetic-coding that lets them know the game is afoot (so to speak).  If she’s interested AT ALL, she’ll find some way of letting you know BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOLD HER (IN EFFECT) THAT YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HER.  

A basic tenant concerning women is that they do the choosing but men do the asking so it stands to reason that the more women you ask -- in word or deed (e.g. the handshake), the more opportunity they have to say  yes.

A word of caution here.  You’re a big guy and probably intimidate some women so under no circumstances grip her hand so that she feels she’s being held or anything of the like.  You’re just shaking her hand (with a slight twist) but don’t scare her.

Let’s look at a practical example.  You said you spoke to the RH girl at the mall for approximately two minutes.  Recreate the image in your mind ... and then imagine if you had introduced yourself (early on) as I just described.  Imagine how much tension it would have taken out of the situation.  When you’re standing there squirming around trying to say “the right thing”, you’re making her nervous and she just wants you to go away.  If, after introducing yourself, she doesn’t give you something to work with, just say, “Well, nice to meet you, I guess I’d better go -- you don’t want to go out do you?”  (I’m just kidding about that “ -- you don’t want to go out do you?” part?).  It’s actually a great line but hard to say.  You won’t believe the amount of tension that will dissolve once you shake hands with them.

Remember, these women don’t know you and they don’t know that that’s not how you introduce yourself all the time.  Try it on some “safe” girls and note the reaction.  The first couple of time you do it, things will seem a blur but as you practice, everything will slow down.  Promise.

One other thing that you can do to look into the inner workings of their minds is what I call the “non sequitur close”.  You have excellent grades so you should recognize that word but if not,

Non sequitur: a statement that does not follow logically from or is not clearly related to anything previously said. (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)

And it goes something like this:

To a female, “You’re an attractive woman, who do you think is the best instructor to take for Psychology 312?”

If you used that line on 100 women, not one of them would say, “Hey!  Wait a minute!  What does me being attractive have to do with psychology??”  They don’t think that way.

After you have spoken to her for ANY length of time at all, do the handshake.

“BTW, I’m Ritchie Lastname”.  Again, if she doesn’t give you something to work with after that, just move on.

Do you know what women find the most interesting about a man?  His interest in her.  Women are a bit different than men in that they are basically “neutral” toward most men UNTIL HE SHOWS SOME INTEREST IN HER.

(stop)

AB