Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/17/2007

Question
Hi Dr. Neder,

So I wanted to follow up with my last post on 1/13/2007. I've taken your advice and will implement it today. The only thing I wanted to confirm is that, my girl is extremely smart so she senses when I have a change in behaviour and that gets a rise out of her and she becomes critical of me and begins arguing, obviously this means that she always wants to control the relationship. Just last night she was on one of her tirades so I give her shit for it and explained to her that she was wrong and that I was dissappointed, so she ended up apologizing but I basically ended the conversation with out accepting the apology. She said she'd call me today. Now, I think this is a good time for me to ignore her and assume control of the relationship. And use your advice from the previous post. Basically, indicating to her that I've lost interest in her because of her attitude. Please let me know if this is the right approach in dealing with this issue.

Regards,

Frank

Answer
Hello again Frank!

She may act like she wants to control the relationship, but as with all women - this is an act only. This is something I'm going to write about in my up-coming book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World III" and I call it the "power gradient".

In reality, women feel safe and "loved" when they are with a man that is, in some particular way, more "powerful" than they are. There are different types of power, but suffice it to say that The Test, control issues and even nagging are all female techniques in order to get a guy to be this powerful partner that they need.

Good job on standing up to her during her tirade, but you have to be careful about this. Sometimes it's more about illiciting your attention than it is about a power struggle and by giving in to that, she's won that Test yet again. (Confusing, isn't it? It's very contrary to reason, but that's the world that women operate in!)

This would be an ideal time to impliment that advice. You need to be firm here and make HER reactions the defining ones - not yours as I outlined in my last message.

One more point - this has to be strong to get your message across - and has to last for some time, but can't be "permanent". In other words, if you close the door, you have to open a window somewhere. Further, be aware that this new attitude is going to become a permanent thing. If you let your guard down, you'll find that she'll jump all over it and the problems will start again.

On the flip side - since she's smart and she'll see it right off, you won't have to do too much to get her attention. She'll soon recognize the patter (as to her own actions causing it) and will begin to adjust them.

Frank, if you do this right, she's going to quickly become the sweet, loving girl you originally met - and you'll become her "rock".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"