Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/23/2007

Question
Hi Dr. Neder, how are you doing, a week ago I approached and started talking to a girl on the way to work. I started off with just saying something in general about the journey into work. What happened then is weird and never happened to me before. She turned to me and smiled in a timid way and said something so quietly I couldn't understand it, then she walked away quickly and slowed down after getting a little out of my vicinity, so I caught up a little but not too much and I said something general again to her and she did exactly the same thing again. I intend to try another approach and if she will hang around to talk then I will do the same, if she does the running act I would say something like "listen, this has never happened to me before when I've gone over to talk to someone, if I made you feel uncomfortable, then it wasn't my intention, I noticed you as I was going to work and you seemed like a fun / interesting person to meet" or something like that. What are your opinions on all this?

Answer
Hello Al!

First of all, GREAT JOB on doing this approach! You used what I call "context" (the general remarks) that were related to her and then began to work the approach.

I agree that her reactions were odd, but then since you don't know this girl, it's difficult to judge what they mean.

I've actually seen girls that use something similar to this in order to get guys to chase them! They want that feeling of being chased so they purposefully say something out of context and then turn and walk away to see if the guy will pursue. It almost becomes something of a game with them since you can't know if she ask you to follow her or if she made up some nonsence just to see how you'd react.

Here's an important part of the reality however: you don't want to chase. By doing this, it instantly lowers your level of power in this interraction. By standing firm - or even by moving away yourself, you take back that power. It's all a subtle, complicated game, but we humans are complicated emotional creatures and our mating rituals are just as complicated!

What I suggest the next time you see her is this: walk up behind her and say, "Hey there 'mumbles'!" She'll probably turn to see who it is and wonder what you meant by it. Then, you can just say that you figured she eating something gooey or something and that's why you couldn't understand her. Then, look at her seriously and ask, "Is English your first language?"

These are called "busts" and they're a great way to deal with this sort of unexpected reaction. She very likely will start laughing because it's so out of context and unusual to hear this sort of reaction.

Finally if she runs away again, don't chase her - just let her go. You might even make some joking remark about "Wow - what a coward!" She might stop and even come back. If she does, the game is on. If not, NEXT!!!!!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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