Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/21/2006

Question
I have been seeing a girl off and on for almost the past 3 years.  We originally met at a bar and fooled around that night but not all the way.  We started to hang out here and there but I didn’t want any relationship and made that clear to her. She was head over heals for me and wanted to see me all the time.  We started hanging out a lot and having sex a lot.  I finally gave in to her almost a year after we met and gave her the relationship she wanted. We would break up here and there usually because I would say stupid things to her when I was drunk.  A couple of weeks before thanksgiving I called her a really bad name when I was wasted and she said she is now done with me for good. I gave up drinking since and really want her back but she said she is sick of getting hurt and is really mad at me.  I only use to say bad things when I was drunk and now that I’m not drinking I would never do that again.  She started seeing this new guy like 3 weeks ago and they are hanging out a lot.  Me and her still talk but not much.  I really want her back and want to prove to her that I am the man she fell in love with and will never hurt her feelings again.  How do I win her back?  

Answer
Hello David!

What in the hell???

Let's see here, you have no interest in this girl for over a year, get into a relationship with her (reluctantly), mistreat her, she finally dumps you and now that she's off with some other guy you've finally decided that NOW you've changed and want her back????

David, look - relationships are fragile things in the first place. You can easily damage them beyond repair if you don't take care of them. Certainly, that's what's happened here, but that's just the beginning.

You seem to want her back just because she's now off with someone that (hopefully) treats her much better than you did. I have to be honest here - I don't believe that you've finally "come to your senses" at all. I think you just don't want to be the loser and simply want her back for your own selfish reasons.

People don't just change over night. You've blamed your abusiveness on alcohol, but frankly, I think it goes much deeper than that. Alcohol is just a convenient excuse. As the Roman's used to say, "En vino, veritas" - "In wine, there is truth."

Look, I know you didn't write me for a lecture, but let's really evaluate this. I don't think you need her back - I think you need to do some work on yourself here instead. Ask yourself this: what makes you "worthy" of her - or anyone - in your life? I don't believe that everyone deserves someone else at all. I believe you earn the people in your life.

Thus, the way to get her back is to do just that - earn her. I'd suggest you give her back her freedom right now while you go get your own life in order. Figure out why you have this need to be abusive first and get it straightened out. Then, go prove it to yourself - not to her. I'd suggest that you meet some new women and don't put them on a pedestal at all - just be a good date/boyfriend to them because you know you can be.

After you've done this, then go find her and tell her what you've learned. She may still not take you back, but you'll have become the man you and I both know you can be - someone deserving of respect and good relationships. I doubt you can tell me that now.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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