Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/20/2006

Question
I'm afraid I do not completely understand. You say find my inner asshole. She told me that is why she broke up with me.
Also...will she contact me or I will I have to contact her? Why should I say I'm calling?
I know that I will be at a function in a couple weeks and she will be there. Should I ignore her?
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Dr. Neder,
    I was in love. I was engaged. I was selfish. I dated a beautiful, smart, and kind woman for about 2 years. In the beginning everything was wonderful. I treated her great. She was never happier, I was never happier. We got engaged after about a year. At this point things were perfect. She did everything for me. I unfortunately grew used to this treatment. I took her for granted, my biggest mistake. I also became controlling and jealous. I saw none of this. She tried to tell me but I was in denial. I now see this. She gave me chance after chance. None of the chances I actually changed in but she gave them to me anyway. Well, about 3 weeks ago she said we needed a break for a week. I said ok with much hesitation. The next day she sent me a text saying "I just want you to know I still love you." I didn't respond. After 5 days I went to the play she was involved in. I sent her a yellow rose with a card saying only "I know you'll be great -Jake." After the play she found me in the lobby. We hugged and I said "when will I talk to you again?" She said "soon." I couldn't stand it. The next day I called her and begged her to come back. She did. Soon after I got selfish again. I got angry for not seeing her enough. She was understandably busy and it would soon not be like this but I was selfish. The next day she came over and we talked. I was very depressed. She knew this. She said she still loved me and it was as if nothing was wrong. She said she was having a hard time in school and was lost. I said I would do anything to help her. She asked "even start over?" I said yes. It turned out she meant the very beginning, when we first met. We had broken up.
    This happened about two weeks ago. We talked as just friends and I found out some things. She was afraid of me. I said I would not hurt her again and begged for another chance. She said I was controlling. I said I wasn't anymore and begged for another chance. I begged and begged and begged. It seemed like the more I begged the more she moved away.
    What she told me was that I had to prove to her that I had changed. I didn't know how so I did some research and ran across one of your answers. It was somewhat similar to my situation. You said to break it all of completely. No communication. I did so one week ago. I wrote her a one page letter saying thank you, I'm sorry, and I just can't be friends. Delivered it to her in person. I said I love you one more time and said "I want you to remember me just as I am now because I've never been a better person. Promise me that." She did so and I said goodbye.
    It has been a week and I haven't heard a word from her. My friend has talked to her and she says she still loves me but can't be with me. She believes she's lost too much over this relationship and she also wants to be more free. I have really changed this time and I believe it is in part because of the complete break up. I see everything bad that I didn't see before. More important than that, I see everything she did for me. She was perfect for me. I want to be with her forever but this time do every little thing I can to make her completely happy even if sometimes it means sacrificing something big for myself. I have never felt like this before. I will do anything to win her back. How should I go about this? Will she contact me? If she doesn't when should I contact her? What should I say?

Please help me. I will do absolutely anything!

~Jake
-----Answer-----
Hello Jake!

Let's analyze this a little, shall we? When you were a controlling, selfish jerk, she kept giving you chance after chance. When you became a whining, begging child, she rejected you. Do you see a pattern here? I sure do!

So, you've really changed this time. Does that change seem to be working? Are you better off now that you've changed? I don't think so!

Jake, here's the reality: women want to be with someone that they feel that have to earn - constantly. That's what all those "chances" were about for her. I'm sorry that she feels that she needs to be with someone that doesn't treat her really well, but in fact, many women feel this way! You've heard time and again about women dating "jerks" and rejecting "nice guys"? This girl is one of them. Now that you've become one of the nice guys, you're not longer what she wants!

You claim that you're willing to do "absolutely anything" to get her back. Are you? Frankly, I don't think so. What you need to do to get her back is to get back in touch with your own "inner asshole". You also need to start dating other women right away! No more "nice guy".

I'd strongly urge you to find any short skirt you can find and get some dates lined up. It doesn't matter if you're interested in these girls or not. In fact, your infatuation with your ex is likely to prevent you from being attracted to these girls right now. That's find because it's not important. What's important is that your ex feels like she lost the guy she really loves - not the new guy that doesn't interest her.

You also can't contact her for the next month (or maybe 2!) She needs time to miss you. With you contacting her every week, telling her that you love her, giving her letters, emails, IM's and who knows what else, she's not getting that chance.

After a few months, you can contact her as the guy you used to be. The nice guy image will have faded and you can try again.

Jake, this isn't how "nice guys" act, but that's not what your ex seems to want. I suggest you be the guy she wants instead of the guy you want to be.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

Answer
Hello again Jake!

With women, you're always better off ignoring their words and watching their actions. Sure, she TOLD YOU this is why she broke up with you, but let's face it, that's not what her actions are saying at all!

I'm afraid I can't see into the future to tell you if she'll contact you or not. If she doesn't, then you're going to have to make the first step. I suggest that you wait and see where things are at the function and use that to judge how you'll react to her. At the function, you're better off ignoring her, but giving that attention to everyone else - especially the girls.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"