Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: doc,
ive been in a relationship (was) in a relationship for 4 years i love this girl with everything i have in me but didnt show it she had many issues on many levels that i wasnt able to help her with she needed to accomplish closure on her own she is VERY strong willed and very intellegent i am a workaholic by nature and obviously wasnt around as much as i should have been and i let her down several times and ways our first year was great we traveled the world did alot of things together as time grew we both had a hard time putting both feet in to the relationship and it started to deteriorate it seemed she was always waiting for me and she grew weary of it i have been married 2 times before and left both for reasons that in my eyes were justified i know that worries her i met her at work she is the bosses daughter i no longer work there 4 years now she has alot of pain in her i just want to be the one she falls in love with i miss her terribly what to do?
signed,
Heartbroken
Chris
ANSWER: Hello Chris!

Wow! That was the LONGEST single sentence I've ever seen! I had to take a deep breath to read it all and just about passed out at the end. I'm better now...let's proceed:

In that terrible long sentence, you really didn't tell me anything I need to know to help you. I can only assume that you and she have broken up (not stated) and that you no longer see her (also not stated.) She was waiting for something (what I don't know) and you didn't give it to her (I'm assuming.) Now, you want her to fall in love with you, so have to further assume that she never was during the 4 years you were together?

Chris, I really want to help you here, but you need to be MUCH more clear on what's going on. While you're at it, throw in a few periods too. That'll help.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: OK,
My spelling is ok but i run on (nobodys perfect)
Yes, we did break up. But she could not tell me she didnt love me.(good sign?)No communication. However she wishes me to continue being with her father.(we fly)
She was waiting for ME. im a workaholic, and was not around enough. Im working on that
I would have to assume she loved me, it appeared so but how to know?
I've never felt as much compasion for someone as i do her.
I want nothing more than to make her a happy woman
Right now she needs space to figure out what she wants and im respecting that (tough as it is) but i dont want to loose the opportunity to get her back
how do i gauge how long is long enough to recapture her and build a better relationship?

ANSWER: Hello again Chris!

Nobody's perfect...especially ME!!

Your spelling is great, but your ability to convey a message is pretty poor.

So, she "could not tell you that she didn't love you"; thus am I to assume that she COULD tell you she loved you but didn't? If there was no communication that would make sense, but then how would you know this - through telepathy? Now, you're with her father. Seems to me that she would be pissed about this, but you know her better than I do!

Ok, let's go about this in a different way. I'll tell you what I can figure out about your question - and answer it based on that. If my understanding is wrong, (and thus, my advice will likely be wrong too), you'll just have to take it for what it's worth.

It appears that you and she were dating for 4 years, but she wanted to take a "break" (which is cowardly "today-speak" for "break-up") because you're a workaholic. You've given her this break(-up) for some unknown reason and period of time and you want to know how long to wait before you go try to get her back. For some reason she still wants you to continue dating her father, but that's not really important here.

Frankly, you should NEVER have agreed to a break in the first place. Dating "breaks" have very specific rules - and timeframes. They're not left open-ended and are designed to accomplish something very specific. Your break is completely undefined and nebulous - no goals, no purpose (other than to "...get our heads on straight...") and no timeframe. This is nothing less than a break-up in sheep's clothing, except she didn't have the balls to tell you so.

Thus, you don't have her any more. She's moving on. That's bad! As to how long to wait; you're already way too late!

You need to go to her and tell her that you want to fix what is broken and the reasons why you believe you can. You need to be absolutely clear in this; so for God's sake, don't write her a letter!!!

Tell her what was good and "right" about your relationship - not just that you're hurting and want her back. That's not enough reason for her! Further, list what you think the problems are (being a "workaholic" for example - and other things) and how you're going to go about fixing these problems. In other words, give her your "plan".

At the same time, ask her what she wants and needs. Also ask her what she feels she did wrong and how she can go about fixing that too.

You're going to have to accept the fact that she may be completely unwilling to even think about getting back with you - after all, she's under no further obligation to you due to the break-up! The best time to do this is always while you're still IN the relationship as she has some responsibility to you. Now, she has none.

If she's willing to reconsider, take it slow at first. Don't just jump in and assume everything is fine. Begin by making the changes you promised - and expecting her to do the same. If you don't, you're going to be right back here in 2 months, writing me another letter I can't understand!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: OK,
Lets try this again.In response to the last message
She DOESN'T want communication
It was her that requested that i still do what i was with her dad (that kinda weird)he also was the "BOSS"
She wanted to break up PERIOD... no reconciliation
I've sent her flowers and told her "I MISS YOU TERRIBLY"
We had a breif conversation she is confused and needs to figure out "What she wants"
I said to her if you told me you didnt love me and didnt want to see me anymore that would be different
Thats when she said "I CANT TELL YOU I DONT LOVE YOU"
I would like to go to her and try to sway her back it doesnt seem to work
Its pushing her further away  

Answer
Hey Chris!

So, what are you looking for then, a magic spell or something? If she's adamant about breaking up with you and doesn't want any further contact, what exactly am I supposed to tell you?

Chris, the time to get these problems worked out is when the relationship still exists - not well after you've broken up. I told you in my last response what you need to do - determine what the problems are, come up with solutions for them and a plan of action, go to her and express these and see if she'll agree to try them out. If you don't want to do that, I have nothing else for you!

Well, there *is* one other thing; and you're going to have to do it sooner or later:

You can move on with your life and start dating every short skirt within arm's reach. There's a SLIGHT possibility that if she gets wind of you moving on (you can't fake this by the way - it has to be real or it won't work), that she may reconsider and ask you to talk to her. But I have to warn you; don't do this with the intention of getting her back. As I've said the possibilities of this working are slim at best.

On the up-side, if you really do move on and start dating other women, you're not going to be as tied to this problem as you are now. It will start to hurt much less very quickly and you'll start meeting some new, great women that are the equal - and likely even the better - of your ex-girlfriend.

When this happens (which eventually, it will), you need to deal with your problems INSIDE the relationship itself. If you're a workaholic and don't make time for your relationship, it'll vanish just as this one did. However, that doesn't mean that you have to throw the majority of your 168 hours each week into it. the key is to spend QUALITY time where you really work on the relationship together, not just QUANTITY time where you hang out with no movement.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"