Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/12/2006

Question
Thanks for the information. I have also purchased the book Being a Man in a Womans World. From the book quite a few things have either surprised me or made me feel like there is no-way I could do some of those things. First of all with the sex part, some of my friends have been trying to tell me there is nothing to worry about for quite some years now but I still have not been able to not fear it. I then read in your book that sex now-days is happening a lot sooner in a relationship then what used to be. Like I would love to find a girl and have a relationship with her but at the moment I dont think I would be able to have sex, will this actually muck up a relationship and therefore should I not go looking until I have somehow fixed this fear up?, which of course still could be quite a long way down the track.

The other thing I have found from the book is how your saying us males should act more like men around a girl, but to me some of the things sound very arogant with the all staying in control of the situation and I have never been able to be like that. To quote one of my close female-friends, Im like a friend-guy, always there to talk to and i guess to give a shoulder to cry on. I guess what im trying to say is there a female out there that would like this type of guy or am I just going to alwasy be a friend-guy cause I dont know really if I could do some of the "staying in control" tchniques in the book.

Thanks again
Braden
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I quess what im trying to find out is how I should go about trying to attract a women and to actually have a relationship with her.
A bit of background
During high school I tried to ask out 5 different girls over the 5 years in high school. I thought I was in love with each of them and told them this, each time getting turnded down and each time sinking lower and lower into a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. The last girl I asked I really believed in myself that I could quite happily be living with her for the rest of my life and when she turnded me down I just gave up on myself trying to find a girl, I didnt belive that I knew what love was anymore and I gave up on women. That was around the 18 of 17 and for quite some time I did not really talk to any new females that I did not know, only friends of mine.

I am now 22 and still have next to no confidence in myself. I cant even go out to a bar with friends or anywhere public to have a bit of fun. The only thing I can think about is finding a partner and sort of distracts me in everything I do. Also have not a great look (Im quite tall and skinny looking, not really muscular at all, and not your James Bond type of bloke either).

I guess the next problem is if I was to ever find a partner I seem to lack a lot of confience in another area which is sex. Im actually to tell the truth quite freaked out about sex, ok the male side of me wants it bad, but Im scared shitless about it. The main areas I worry about are getting her pregnant (Like I want to be a Dad, but not just yet), getting STDs (even wearing protection would not stop me worrying), being able to do all the stuff I have read (I have already made myself think I should be able to do a lot of this stuff first time and I think I will fail at that) and the last finishing way way to soon.

As you can see Im quite a confused and worried 22 year old that really just wants to find that special someone, but does not know how to and then how to actually get through a relationship when it becomes more sexual.

Thanks for any help
-----Answer-----
Hello Braden!

[Note: this is a necessarily long letter, but your question is broad. I hope you read it all the way through with an open mind that seeks to change and grow.]

You've obviously spent a great deal of time freaking yourself out rather than doing what you should be doing - studying. More on this in a moment.

You have a large number of mistaken beliefs that are helping to hold you back. Ultimately, you expect to fail so you set everything up against yourself so that you do. In effect, you've spent your entire adult life stacking the entire deck against yourself. Now you have nothing but a large, up-hill battle. You've got to stop doing this to yourself in order to begin getting it solved.

Let’s look at each issue by itself:

1) You never get to “own” confidence, you only get to borrow it.

When I get a letter (daily!) from a guy that lacks confidence, I explain to him that it's not confidence that he lacks but education. Consider this: if you really knew how this game was played; if you knew which women to approach, what to say, how to hold a conversation, how to build rapport and connection and how to ask for a number, do you really think that you'd lack confidence? Of course not! You are "confident" in that which you know well. It's that simple.

However, in your case, not only do you set yourself up to fail by not having learned this game, you also create an expectation of failure. In other words, you expect to fail and therefore you do. Worse yet, this expectation prevents you from even trying. This comes from one source: an undisciplined mind. You allow yourself the luxury of imagining your own failure rather than to force yourself to imagine only success.

This is where most people would tell you to get over that and move on. I'm not going to waste either of our valuable time with such nonsense. Instead, I'm going to give you some tools you can put into practice right now to start getting healed. Yes, you have to get over this, but you’ll do it by retraining your mind to think how you want it to.

First, why is this important? Here’s why: you know that you can make yourself sick by thinking about it, right? Do you know that you can also make yourself well? You can.

Think of your mind something like a balance scale where you put weights on either side. The side with the most weight will tilt down. Up until now, you’ve been putting all of your “weight” on the negative side by loading it up with not only wrong, but dangerous beliefs! You’ve got to change that around. The great thing is that all you need is 1% more weight on the positive side to get things going. Once you add that weight there, you’re going to see the balance start to tip. Don’t rush over to add more to the negative side however! It’s this very action that causes you to have the beliefs you have, and it’s the very thing you have to force yourself to stop.

To stop this, I suggest you get a strong rubber band. Carry it with you wherever you go and never be without it. Any time you start in with the negative beliefs such as saying to yourself that you’re “afraid of sex” or that you “fail with women” or any such negative idea whatsoever, I want you to take that rubber band, stretch it back against the front of your thigh and give yourself a good pop with it!

Let this sting for a moment, but before you rub it, “correct” your thinking by imagining the exact opposite of the negative thought. For instance, if you said to yourself (even “accidentally”), “I’m a failure with women.” Then pop yourself with that rubber band and then say, “I’m a success with women.” Add a mental image to it as well and really feel that success. Finally rub that sting on your thigh until it eases.

This is going to seem silly at first, but what you’re actually doing is retraining your mind with both punishment for holding the wrong ideas (the pain in your thigh) and reward for the right ideas (relieving the pain). This is a powerful and direct system that will quickly change a lifetime of wrong-headed thinking into right-headed thinking.

You should do this with every problem you’ve written to me about including the wrong ideas about sex.

2) Sex isn’t going to be a problem for you.

In fact, most people don't get someone pregnant and don't get STD's. While the media would have you believe otherwise, getting pregnant or contracting an STD is extremely rare if you use protection; i.e. a condom. The other benefit of condoms is that they actually help you to last longer in bed! In effect, you're solving 3 problems with one solution - not bad, eh?

Trust me on this one (for now): the first time you have sex, (and you WILL have sex), is going to be far different than you imagine it will be. Thus, you can't predict any outcomes accept one: you'll no longer be a virgin. It's that simple. Allowing yourself the luxury of imaging anything negative about it is a total waste of your time because you can’t imagine its reality. If you really want to imagine it, spend your time thinking positive thoughts instead (use the rubber band trick as before) and get educated about the realities of sex.

Here are just a few of them: yes, sex can cause babies, but if you’re using protection, the likelihood is so low as to be all but impossible. Sex can transmit STD’s, but while the fear-mongers want you to believe that every 1 in 2 people has an STD, it’s just not the case. You don’t need to focus on these issues because they aren’t going to be a problem for you since you’ll use protection each and every time. Yes, there are risks, but your fear of them is both irrational and unfounded.

3) You’re not “failing” with women.

In fact, you’re succeeding by actually learning what doesn’t work! You may have heard the story of Edison’s attempt to invent the light bulb: he tried 10,000 different materials before he finally hit on the one that was successful. When a reporter asked him how he could fail 10,000 times, he replied that he hadn’t “failed” at all. He “discovered” 10,000 ways that didn’t work.

It’s the same with you. You’ve already found 5 ways of asking women out that don’t work. What you need is a short-cut so that you don’t have to go through another 9,995 things to discover the 1 way that does work. This is where your education comes into play.

4) Your looks have nothing to do with your success.

Most guys want to impose their own beliefs on women. We guys often think that since we’re “look-focused” that women are too. That’s not the case. How you look isn’t important. How you act IS important. You’re going to learn how to act.

Now that we’ve dealt with a number of your issues, let’s deal with moving forward. You need to do the things I’ve told you in this letter but you have to do the most important thing right along with them: get educated.

We humans are very complicated creatures and our courtship rituals are equally complicated. The good news is that they are simply a game with well-defined rules. You just don’t know the rules! Don’t you think it’s time you learned them? I sure do!

Go to my website and get started (http://beingaman.com). There are a ton of resources there that will help you with every aspect of this game. You’ll find books, CD’s, DVD’s, articles and even a very active discussion group – all dedicated to getting your mind focused on your goal – and winning it.

Braden, this isn’t going to be solved via one email. You need some real work, but I can’t think of a better time to get started on this. If you do these things for yourself, you’re going to start enjoying the success you deserve with women; and trust me – you DO deserve it!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


Answer
Hello again Braden!

Good job on getting BAM. That first book is going to give you informnation that I can't possibly give you through one - or even 100 emails! It's a great place to start honing your philosophy and education.

Let me assure you that you can do EVERYTHING that is in that book - and the others. This all seems different at first, but as soon as you start trying some of the ideas, you're going to be amazed at how well they work!

The only reason you have fears is simply because you spend all your time worrying about them. You do this as a way to avoid your other fears including the fear of failure.

Ultimately what you're saying is: "I don't want to change - I want everyone else to change or to find someone that will just accept me in every way that I already am." That's either crazy or extremely lazy!

Think about that for a minute. So many people give the "feel-good" advice to "just be yourself" ("JBY"). How has that worked for you so far? In fact, JBY doesn't work. That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you at all. In fact, it doesn't work for anyone! Every guy has to learn these skills to be successful with women. Why? Simple: it's because WOMEN LEARN THESE SKILLS TOO. They are already far ahead of you on all of this and want a guy that at least has some skills; some "game".

For you, (and most guys out there), JBY means NOT learning these skills or putting them into play. Let me assure you that wanting something different without making those changes or growing yourself is a total waste of your time.

Let me restate that as clearly as possible:

IF YOU WANT DIFFERENT RESULTS IN YOUR LIFE - YOU HAVE TO CHANGE IN ORDER TO GET THEM. WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW IS NOT WORKING!

Braden, there are no shortcuts here. You're not going to find a woman that will put up with everything being status quo. Women want - and deserve - more. You can either be the guy that gives this to them or you can be the guy that sits on the sidelines and watches while others learn to give them - and do. The choice; obviously, is yours.

Here's the good news however: EVERY GUY that has learned these techniques and actually put them into play has been successful. You can either continue to hold on to your old, cherished, but mistaken beliefs or you can simply throw them away - cast them into the wind - and start a new life today. Beginning right this minute in time (mark it down) you can become everything you've ever dreamed of being with women - or you can stay exactly the same as you are. I can't make you make this choice.

Some time in the future, you'll find the paper with this date and time on it. You'll look back and either think, "Wow, that Neder guy was right!" or you'll think, "Wow, that Neder guy was right! I'm in exactly the same place I was when I wrote this down!"

Braden, be the first guy - you deserve it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"