Expert: Aaron Beck - 2/23/2007

Question
There is an update to this. Recently I resigned my company due to a conflict with my superior. After I resigned, Mr A ask the girl if she received my love letter which she didn't receive as I decided not to send it. She was upset that I told everyone about it. That was after I left the company. She knows I like her. That's a fact too. After I left, one day I made a call to Mr B and Mr B passed my phone to her for no apparent reason. The reason he passed my call to her because while I was talking on the mobile phone to my friend, he was beside her. He asked her this question, would you like to talk to John and she said yes, I want to talk to John. I was quite surprise it was her. I did not say much and just say why are you talking to me as I was talking to Mr B first? She said back, you do not want to talk to me is it? I said no a few times that is I want to talk to her. This happened after I resigned and my friend ask whether she has received my love letter. If she doesn't like me why bother answering my call, secondly if I ask why my friend pass the phone to her, why bother saying you do not want to talk to me is it? Pretty weird. I asked her to my house for Chinese New Year and she said she was busy. I take her for her word as she said sorry few times and it seems she really is busy as she celebrates Chinese New Year too. What should be my next step based on my previous question and this new information? She is really a nice, decent and conservative girl and so am I. You know I am still a virgin and I am now 28. I am a Christian and do not like premarital sex. I feel she is " The One" but I may be wrong. I am not sure if I can find another girl as good as her. If you ask any of my friends, they say is is a very polite and kind friend. That's what really attracts me. There is prettier girls that like me before. But she is not the prettiest around but best character around? Yes. Probably the best character girl I met in 28 years. Will I find another one close to her or same or even better or even decent. Extremely unlikely but not impossible. What should I do? She can talk mandarin well and I can't. Would she be impressed if I learn mandarin and cooking and she like kids and I like kids too and I be more homely and if she know I change for her, would she be impressed?
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I have fallen in love with this girl in my workplace and I go out with lunch with her nearly every day. She is a very decent and kind girl. She had never had a bf before and I never had a gf before. She like kids very much. She does charity work related to kids and worked in a child care center before. So now I also start liking kids!! One day she told me this, John I actually am married and this is a photo of my kid and later she retracted back and say she is kidding. She use her hand and wave back and say John I am not married and seems worried and told me 5-6 times she is not married so worried like I will believe her story. She does looks at me at time. I am not prepared to be in a relationship yet, but I want to make a first move to make her really like me and when I am ready, I will officially let her know I like her so much that I am willing to change for her. Any advice on this?
-----Answer-----
Hello,

It sounds like you have had enough interaction with her that you can simply ask her out for a date -- something simple like lunch or coffee etc.

As far as the marriage comment, it’s difficult to say why she said it and then retracted it but the fact that she was so unequivocal in her retraction seems to be a positive sign, i.e. she wants you to know that she is indeed available.

The preoccupation with children is also difficult to interpret.  Either she wants children, has a child that she gave up for adoption (or possibly terminated a pregnancy) and is feeling guilty ... it’s also possible that I’m totally wrong.  I do not think it would be inappropriate to just ask her what she meant.  She will probably be evasive but you have the right to “push a little bit for an honest answer.  The answer to that question might open up some interesting lines of communication.

One word of caution, if you wait too long to make it known that you like her, she may lose interest in you.  In all likelihood, she is just waiting for you to make the first move.  She doesn’t want another friend, she wants a lover.

That’s how I see it.  Write back with more details when you get to the bottom of the marriage/children thing.

One more thing, your subject was: “How do I make myself attractive to her?”  and the answer is, you don’t!  Women are very insecure (all of ‘em -- no matter what they say) that’s why they spend so much time, money, and energy trying to look good and very, very, very often the thing they find the most attractive in a man is that HE finds her attractive.  Think about that for a moment.  So trying to get her to notice you is much less important than YOU noticing her.

Aaron


Answer
It sounds to me like she is interested in you or she would not be joining in all the little games (like handing the phone from Mr. B etc.).  My feel is that she is interested in you at least somewhat.  And it would be completely natural that she would be interested in you because you sound like a very nice and descent guy ... and, as importantly, you are interested in her.  I think I said in my first letter that the thing that is the most attractive about a man to a woman is that he likes her in the first place.

I think that you are on the right track and have to keep trying to get a date (or private time) with her.  The Chinese New Year is a big celebration so it is not unusual that she already had plans ... ask her again.

Your instincts are probably pretty good about her, if you feel like she is ‘the one’ you are probably right or at least, it is worth finding out if she is the one.

As far as trying to learn another language and cooking etc, that probably is a good idea but maybe not for the reason you think.  If you do decide to study mandarin, it will give you something (more) in common (and you can practice speaking with her too!) trying to change to make yourself more “attractive” to her is usually a waste of time.  The reason is because the important thing is that YOU are attracted to her, not that she is attracted to you.  For example, think how flattered she would be if she read what you have written about her?  She would be very, very flattered.  Of course that is no guarantee that a relationship will develop but it ‘maximizes’ your chances with her.  The thing that is necessary is to take some more action, ask her out again, and let her know how you feel.  At 28 years old I can absolutely guarantee you that she would like to be married.  ALL women that age want to be married and you have a better chance than most other guys because you want to marry her (or you might).  I think you understand my point.

Let me know how it turns out.

Aaron