Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/1/2007

Question
More than once I have read and heard about how if you seem "desperate" it somehow causes you to appear unattracive to the woman you are interested in.  If this is the case, I'm afraid that I have been making the mistake my intire life.  The trouble is that it is the way I am.  Ever since I was a little kid I only wish to be very nice to the girl that I am interested in.  All the stuff that, according to what everyone is saying, is a bad idea.  Hugs, kisses, compliments, presents, all that stuff.  It would seem to me that to behave different would be like lying to her.  And I hate the idea of lying to a woman that I care for.  And to be the opposite would be to not interact with her which would not advance the relationship.  I'm very confused about this.

Answer
Hello Todd!

No, that is NOT the "way you are". It's the choice you make simply because you haven't learned how to control your exitement.

Todd, humans are complex emotional creatures and thus, our mating rutiuals are equally complex. There is a subtle exchange between you and a girl you're interested in. If you give away too much up front you lose value. If you withhold too much you come off as nervous or insincere.

Think of this something like fishing. When you drop in your hook you have to make sure you have the right bait for the fish you're angling for. Then, when you feel that first nibble if you just reel in the line, it'll be empty. you went off too soon.

With women it's like this too. You need to learn to play the girls you're interested somewhat. This isn't "lying" at all. It's simply mature relationship management!

Hugs and kisses are good things. Compliments and presents are bad things - when given out of context. You want to move things toward physical contact as soon as you can, (and yes, it's your job to do this.) The reason is that you want to differentiate between being a friend and being a (potential) boyfriend. The physical and emotional connection are what begin this.

Dating is a game of subtlety. If you just rush in with all guns blazing, you're missing all the subtlety about it. This is about attitude as much as aptitude.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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