Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/30/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

My name is Matt, I'm a freshman in college, and I am 18 years old.  I have been talking to another associate of yours in a different field and so, since I changed the question on him, I decided to come ask someone in this field.

In my English class there is this very cute girl that sits across the room that I noticed my first day.  We glanced at each other a couple times but it was nothing special, I don't think at least.  My problem is thus:

I really want to become friends with her so that maybe, just maybe, I can move it towards something more.  The only thing though, is that I just cant figure out how to go about doing this.  This is what gets me thinking though.  In Senior High I had tons of friends that were girls and I had girlfriends, but when I think back my girlfriends were all friends before that, and when I think back further, I don't remember how I became friends with any girl I was a friend with.  I think it was mostly through my friends chatting with them in a group, or maybe I sat next to them and by chance we starting talking, but thats it.  I don't remember if I ever directly approached a girl out of the blue and just talked to her.

So since I want to be friends with her first, I am trying to figure out a way to go about this.  I was thinking about going up and just saying 'hi', talking for a little bit and then maybe asking if she wanted to do something like get something to eat or coffee, but then I thought that it might  look to much like a date and not just some way to get to know each other.  I have also been recommended by some to ask her to study with me, but honestly it isn't done that much anymore and there is nothing major coming up anytime soon.  So I am stumped.  I am a tiny bit nervous of rejection, but who isn't, I'm just not freaking out about it.  What I am trying to figure out is how to go about achieving my goal of being friends first, then maybe getting more serious.

Thanks for your reply,
Matt

ANSWER: Hello Matt!

Ok, there's a number of things you have working in your favor here. First of all, you're not totally in awe of this girl - you're just interested. That's good in that it keeps the power in your hands. So many guys think they're in love with a girl they see across the room and that just gives away all their power to her. Trust me on this one, no girl wants that.

You also aren't anxious about everything. You're calm and can think throug it. That's also a great benefit.

Now, here's where you're dropping the ball: you want to be her friend first.

Matt, you may have had some success with that in the past, but in reality, you've just been damn lucky. Here in the real world, that NEVER works! As soon as you become a girl's "friend" it takes you right out of the potential dating pool for that girl. Yes, I know it's worked for you in the past, but trust me, it won't continue to work. Nobody is THAT lucky!

I want you to go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on "friends" under BAM TV. Then, click on Self Help and read my FAQ's. There, you'll find a bunch of information on why you don't want to become her friend.

Now, here's what you need to do: you need to approach her and begin moving things forward - not as a friend, but as a potential boyfriend. Keep in mind that you'll do most of the things you're used to doing with "friends", but there are added twists that turn this into a relationship. For instance, you're going to start by going on a date - not just getting together as buddies. During that date, you're going to touch her, kiss her, etc. These are all "date things" that are very different from "friend things".

To approach her, do this: just walk up to her and say, "Hey there. What's your name?" She'll give it to you and will likely ask you for yours. Tell her and then say "We are in [the class you're in] together. What do you think of the [teacher/subject/assignment/etc.]?"

Matt, this is "context". This is your reason for approaching her and is something you'll also learn more about from the FAQ's.

Just chat her up for a few minutes, but keep it short. Finally "close" by saying, "Hey, it was nice to meet you. Here, write down your phone number and let's get together some time to do it again." Notice how I didn't ask her "Would you like to get together again?"??? I TOLD her what I wanted her to do. This is very important. Hand her a pen and paper and let her write down her number.

Now that you have her digits, wait a week or so and call her to set up a real date. Be clear about when and where and go charm her socks off.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello again,

Wow that is very good advise and what I was actually looking for from the other expert. But I still have a question on something you said:

You described how after the conversation you should say something like "Hey, it was nice to meet you. Here, write down your phone number and let's get together some time to do it again."

Now what I'm concerned about, and I know I'm not the expert but, wouldn't that come off as kind of pushy?  Wouldn't it be better if I just ask for her number or does that take the power away from me again? could I say something like "Hey, it was nice to meet you. Could I get you phone number so we could talk again sometime?" or does that still take away the power from me and give it to her? I just don't know about telling her to give me her number, I'm worried about it being pushy ya know?

thanks for the reply, and I await you next one :)
- Matt
ANSWER: Hello again Matt!

If that's a "thank you", you're very welcome.

Actually, it doesn't come off as pushy to women at all - it comes off as masculine. That's a very different thing!

When you ask a woman for anything, you give control to her. Women are absolutely clear on this - they don't want the control. They'll take it if you force it on them (such as by asking for something or permission, etc.) but it's absolutely contrary to how women view the men they want to date.

There's a ton of science behind this that I won't bore you with; but suffice it to say that as the man, you have certain responsibilities - and advantages - in dating. One responsibility you have to to set the tone of things and to move things forward. One of the advantages you have (and always need to take advantage of if you really want to be successful with women) is your masculine power.

I can't tell you how many women have told me that they just melt when a man takes charge like this.

In fact, you may remember the old Howard Stern show on the E! network on TV? From that show you might remember their producer, KC Armstrong? He has his own show right here in Los Angeles now. I was on his show last week where we took 3 gorgeous women from the audience and I "worked them" on stage.

We talked about this very same thing where KC asked my why I told them to write their numbers down. Instead of answering him, I asked the girls if they liked it. All three of them gave enthusiastic yeses.

Right from the horses mouth...

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Wow, thank you so much.

This was very good advice and I am sure going to take it :)

1 more question I have, besides getting her number, would it be overboard if maybe I asked if she wanted to get something to eat after class? or maybe coffee? or would that come off as to soon or should I wait and ask her after I get her number?

thank you so much,
- Matt
ANSWER: Yo! Matt!

I call that an "impromptu date". This is one of the three types of closes you can do - going for digits, an impromptu date or sex right from the initial approach.

However, to pull this off, you have to develop huge rapport and connection which is tough to do if you don't have tons of game. The thing you don't want is to get a "no", so I'd suggest you go just for the digits at this time.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: haha, thank you so much ... again! :)

Hey, I am kinda mad cause I was talking in the phone today and missed my chance.  Me and a friend were walking, and she was infront of me ALONE, and my friend broke off and I was on the phone, and when she opened the door she turned around and looked at me.  We kinda stared at each other a lil and I said thank you, but I didn't know what to do since I was talking to someone on the phone :(

I guess I will let this pass and on Tuesday (next time I see her) I will work my magic haha. Hope everything goes well.  I don't think she has a Boyfriend but I cant be too sure yet.

Ill keep in touch about what happens if thats alright?

After I get her phone number, what would you recommend as a good date.  See the movies are good but we dont get to talk, but if things go well its a good place to hold hands and get physical (her leaning on me and stuff like that ya know).  But still, we DONT really get to talk.  Ive taken dates to movies and it has worked fine, but i dont know.  There are some good movies coming out soon :)  Dinner is ok, but idk it gets boring sometimes.  What would you recommend?

thanks again,
matt

Answer
Hey Matt!

Man - that was a huge miss. You need to push yourself to NEVER miss an opportunity like that again - they come along so rarely. You should have said, "Hey, I'll call you back" and taken the opportunity.

Don't worry about the boyfriend - every girl has them and they are a non-issue. Trust me. Even if she were to bring it up just say, "I don't care. Let him get his own date! You've never met anyone like me" and continue right on with th close.

Never do a date or concert on your first 3-4 dates. The point of these dates is to build connection and rapport and you can't do that when you're watching other people on the screen. You need "face time". Try a picnic or something.

By the way, you should strongly consider reading my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" as they go into all of this in great depth - far more than I can via this messaging system. If you want to contact me outside of this group, us my email address: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"