Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/12/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

I have sent this question to a few other experts but they seemed to be
maxed out unfortuantely. I was wondering if you could help me with my
issue.

I am very distraught. I'll tell you what's been going on, and I need
you to tell me the honest, brutal truth no matter how much it hurts.

By the way, I am 25 years old, so perhaps I am younger than most people
you talk to.

Before I started a master's degree program in the fall, the housing
office at my dorm gave me the emails of 5 upperclassmen that I could
contact to ask questions about campus living. I emailed all 5 of them and
only one replied back. His reply was very informative and it was obvious
he was highly intelligent. We started talking every day and he answered
every single question I had so well that I didn't have any more
questions when I came to campus. He added me as a friend on his online webpage
and I saw that he was handsome and looked very put-together and mature,
although he was younger than me, he was 23.

Pretty soon the topics went onto a more personal level when we found
out we eerily had the exact same interests. It was very creepy how much
we had in common.

He never failed to keep in touch with me, even over the breaks. He was
very generous.

When we met in person during orientation, we hit it off and started
dating immediately. I had never met somebody I had clicked with so well.
He was very generous, sympathetic, and kind. He would go out of his way
to do nice things to show he appreciated me. The first time we ever
kissed we could not stop kissing, we kept on doing it over and over.

But our relationship wasn't just physical. The majority of the time we
spent cuddling together in front of the tv or watching movies at his
place, and he never tried to put his hands on me or kiss me or anything.
Sometimes I would stay late in his bedroom, like 4 am or 5 am, and he
would play the piano and sing for me and play guitar and serenade me.
Yet he would not try to get me to stay the night or put his hands on me
like most other guys would, he always called me a taxi to take me home.
We would talk for hours about all sorts of intellectual topics.

He told people on campus that I was a special and amazing girl, and he
wanted to make sure he took things slow with me.  He also told them
that I was just a girl he was dating and that he didn't want a girlfriend.

He told me had no interest in dating any other woman other than me and
enjoyed things the way they were at the moment because he didn't want
us labeled boyfriend-girlfriend because we had only been dating for 2
weeks, but he didn't want anyone else. He said the label would put too
much expectations on it since we had just met. About a month into it he
told me we were definitely not ready to have sex yet. Plus I am a virgin
and he isn't...so that's a good thing because he knew I wouldn't be
ready for a while.

But you know, actions speak louder than words. He would call me and
text message me and email me all the time wanting to see me all the time.
He always made plans with me in advance and always wanted to do things
that would make me happy. Also, when he asked how my day was, he
actually listened and remembered.

However, when we were together and we had been dating for a month and a
half, and other people referred to me as his girlfriend, he never
corrected them. He also sent me flowers periodically. And he did nice stuff,
such as if the bookstore didn't have a book, he would get it for me
from another bookstore or library. And if there was a certain brand of
coffee I liked to buy in the morning, he
would buy me the whole bÝ= the flavor I liked.

His friends said he was crazy about me and that he wasn't a player, he
was really genuine and that he was falling in love with me.

He had told me that he came from a broken family and his parents had
cheated on each other and it really hurt him. He was an only child like
me so he really didn't have anywhere to turn to to talk about it.  His
ex girlfriend whom he was in a year-long relatoinship (his only
relatoinship and the only woman he had sex with) was physically and emotionally
abusive to him, calling him nasty names, picking nasty fights and
arguing with him and accusing him of ridiculous things, she always accused
him of cheating on her even though he was devoted to her. Turns out she
was crazy and possibly bipolar I think. She once took an HIV test and
it was a false positive, so she started screaming at him accusing him of
sleeping around with other women and giving her AIDS which wasn't true.
She had also hit him a couple times. After they broke up she stalked
him, she slept outside his door and he had to call the cops on her
becuase she was threatening him that she would get a gun and kill herself and
wouldn't leave until the cops gave her a sedative and took her away to
a mental institution. Yikes what a messed up woman.

But he always treated me well. He seemed excited and thrilled to be
with me. We started slowly getting a little more intimate physically. He
didn't try to get me to have sex with him or put his hands on me at all,
but we did get fairly intimate because I wanted to do it. I felt like I
could trust him becuase he was so gentle and tender. Even when we were
nude together he would mainly keep his hands and eyes on my face
kissing me over and over gently holding me all night long. Neither of us ever
got much sleep becuase we would stay up all night kissing and touching
tenderly. And in the morning we would shower together and he would be
very sensual, he would kiss my forehead and neck a lot as well as
pleasuring me more intimately. We didn't see each other much throughout the
weeks as the months went on, he always emailed or texted me or called me
and we always talked for hours about a variety of topics although we
didn't see each other, but we usually ended up spending our weekends
together. As the months went on he still didn't try to pull anything, he
always told me that I made the rules and how far I wanted to go was up to
me and he would do anything to make me happy. He didn't seem to want
sex, he seemed to really want to get to know me as a person. We would
stay up all night kissing, and end up spending hours and hours in the
shower just touching and kissing.

But it wasn't just physical. We were emotionally connected, the
majority of our time together we spent talking about various issues of depth,
politics, world hunger, etc. He was very knowledgable, unlike any other
man I'd ever met.

He asked me to spend one Friday night with him. He said he wanted to go
to sleep right away becuase he was tired, so I said no if I stay over I
won't let you sleep. He said no I want you to spend the night with me.
I said, I haven't shaved my legs they are really hairy, and he said I
don't care, I want you with me tonight. He was falling asleep so I put
my arms around him and was gently kissing the back of his neck. He
turned around and said mmm, now you're starting to turn me on, and now
you're gonna get it. I teased and said I'm not letting you sleep tonight and
his response was to start kissing me like crazy and we ended up kissing
all night long. He kissed my entire body, every part, and touched me a
little more intimately. The next monring (Saturday) we took a shower
together and he kissed and touched me everywhere all over again but
mainly he kept his eyes on my face and kissed my forehead, lips, cheeks and
shoulders.

We had brunch together, he cooked me pancakes and again we talked for
hours about a variety of topics...he really wanted to get to know me as
a person.

I was impressed. He really made me feel valued, appreciated, cherished.
He didn't smooth talk or play games. It was clear that he was
interested in a lot more than just my body becuase he had stuck around for so
many months before we ever got intimate. And even then, we have not had
sex, I don't know too many guys that would stick around. So that Friday
and Saturday was wonderful and he could not seem to stop smiling. He
gave me a long kiss before I left.

On Sunday, he came up to me and said in a really nasty voice "I
actually got some sleep last night since you weren't around. Since I have
exams coming up, maybe we shouldn't spend the night together until after my
midterm." I was like what? I didn't understand why he was so snippy.

But you know, he had said something like that to me before, in our
earlier midterm he told me he couldn't see me that week, and then was
calling me the next day wanting to see me. So I really could not take him
seriously. So I didn't think much of this.

Then the next day, he came and broke up with me! He said he wanted to
focus on exams. When he said that his eyes were shifting back and forth
so I was suspicious. I asked him if he was pissed at me. He gave a cold
laugh and said no. Then he left me. What the hell?

It's been a few weeks. I have tried to avoid him, whenever I run into
him he looks right through me as if he doesn't know me. What the hell.

Then I randomly get this email from him inviting me out to his friend's
engagement. I didn't go.

I saw him the next day and he looked right through me as if he hadn't
seen me.

One day at lunch I was sitting alone, he walked past me with his
friend, I smiled and said hi and he totally ignored me and walked off. Five
minutes later he came up and asked if I could join him. He came and sat
with me and talked to me as if nothing had ever happened.

I have never been so confused with a man in my life. How do you love a
girl like that and then just coldly walk out? Dr. Belove, please tell
me what is going on.

I honestly though i was falling in love with him. And he seemed very
much in love with me. and then just abruptly left. All my friends said
give him time, he is in love with you and he's insecure because he's
young, so he doesn't know how to handle a confident mature woman like you.
They said he will be back trying to patch things up pretty soon so not
to worry.

I really thought he was different. I really thought he was the one.
Everyone on campus knows him as a sweet, genuine caring person. How could
he be so abrupt?

I really want him back and my heart aches so much. But I really dont
want my heart stomped on again. Is this man schizophrenic or what?

From your experience in life please tell me
what is going on. I am in tears.

- Elaina Klien
ANSWER: Hello Elaina!

Ok, you wanted "brutally honest"? Here goes:

DO NOT ever write me another long letter like this! You just droned on and on about the same thing and frankly, it was just repetitive! No wonder nobody else wanted to answer this! You could have summed up the entire thing in a single paragraph and I'd have had just as much information!! Elaina, I have 20 other questions to answer JUST THIS MORNING and another 30 from my regular readers in email. It's not fair to just vomit all of this and expect a detailed response. Ok?

Now that's over, let's get to your question:

You and he had this intensity that never had any release. He got tired of waiting for you to make a move and has finally given up. He's now gone.

Elaina, just like your letter to me, you were so focused and overly-detailed without ever getting to the "meat" in your relationship! This guy just kept investing and investing and waiting for you to open the door for him (his mistake by the way) and you never did, so he left.

Here's the reality: I don't care what any guy says about sex. We expect sex with our girlfriends. You somehow think that this was "romantic" and "loving". Here's the reality: this guy is very unsophisticated and just didn't know how to tell you that he *really* wanted more with you (that is, sex) and just hoped that you got so horny that you'd jump him. Instead, you selfishly revelled in his attentiveness and never saw that he was actually begging you in his own, misguided, ignorant way. You likely made a big deal about how he never "pressured you" and how attractive you found that (as you said to me.) He then DIDN'T pressure you out of fear of losing you - not because he wanted to at all!

You see him as "special" because he didn't pressure you. I see him as uneducated.

Let me give you the reality here: all of us men have something of a "window of opportunity". You girls need to understand this. We won't hang around forever waiting for you to "close the deal". You see, where you use sex (and frankly all of rest of this) to create bonding and intimacy, we guys use sex early on in a relationship to determine if we WANT TO create bonding and intimacy!

That's why he didn't want to call you his "girlfriend" - because, until he got past the sex and found out that he wanted more with you, he wasn't going to invest himself that way! It's only AFTER we start a sexual relationship with a girl that we determine if we're going to be her boyfriend or not.

So, he just got tired and frustrated waiting for YOU to move things forward. You didn't and finally that window of opportunity closed. When this happens, we still will have sex with you (since we can easily separate love and sex), but you'll never again have our hearts because we will no longer invest them.

He's still your "friend", but he's not going to fall in love with you now.

Elaina, I'm sorry to tell you this, but that is the brutal truth. In my book, virginity is highly overrated. You need to understand all of this clearly. While it was his job to move things forward sexually (which he didn't do out of lack of understanding how to do it), your allowing it to go on is ultimately, very selfish.

Yes, you didn't know this before and simply enjoyed what you believed was an honest benefit. In the future, you'll understand this and be able to see it when it's happening and can either end things if they don't fit your goals or help to move them forward if you want more with a particular guy.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:
Ummm Dennis...I read your reply and now I'm more confused.

Once when we were together and I somehow mentioned the topic of sex (probably because we were watching a movie or something) he turned to me and said "I am definitely NOT ready to have sex with you yet...we are sure as hell not at that level yet" and I said "we don't have to rush into that"

So now that you know this part...can you tell me what you think please. He's not dating other women or gay if that's what you're wondering.

Answer
Hello again Elaina!

How do you know he's not gay? Just because he's not actively dating other men right now doesn't mean he's not gay.

Frankly, him saying this means - and changes - nothing. People say things all the time that they don't mean. What's important are the ACTIONS NOT THE WORDS.

His actions were screaming one thing and his words were whispering another.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"