Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/6/2006

Question
Hi,

{I'm not very confident about talking about this)

I've seen this girl. I can't really get her out of my head, mainly because she's so attractive.
I really want to know her, and if possible, possibly turn it into a relationship that we'll both like.
She's currently dating another guy. It seems like it's all going well for them, and it is a worry i'm slightly concerned about.
I've known her for a year and a bit now, but I've rarely talked to her. I talk now and then on MSN messenger, but it only usually lasts about 5 minutes at the most.
I'm not very confident on girls. I find it hard talking to ones I find attractive, as I get nervous trying to impress. I know if I'm myself, then it would completley draw them AWAY from me, rather than in my favour.
She loves dancing, singing and performing arts. I like music, but I hate dancing so there's no way I can get into something like that.

I don't really know many of her friends, although I do try to talk to them once in a while.
I'm in Secondry school (in England) and I'm currently in Year 10.

Any tips on how to be confident and how to help me out would be great :)


Answer
Hello Chris!

Yes, I do have some tips for you!

Here's the most important one first: DO NOT try to impress her! In fact, when you work so hard to impress someone it comes through like a big red beacon.

So, if you don't try to impress her, what do you do? Simple: learn about her and let her try to impress YOU instead!

You do this by first breaking the ice and saying "hello". It's best if you have a REASON to approach her first however. I like to teach a little tool called "context". What this means is simply: "what do you have in common with that person at that instant in time at that place?" You have an almost unlimited number of things to draw context from - everything from the school you both attend to classes, to where you live, etc., etc., etc. There are a thousand more - you just have to think of them. Even better it doesn't have to be complex and elaborate! It can even be so simple as you just like the color of sweater she has on. Don't try to overdo this - it's just the reason for you to approach.

Which leads to another point: don't compliment her. You should never use a compliment as an approach technique. Why not? Simple: it's far too obvious and easily countered. What happens is that most guys approach and say, "Wow - you have beautiful eyes." So what? Now what do you do? She had nothing to do with her eyes - she was born with them! Now, you just crash and burn.

So, what do you do after you break the ice? Simple: ask open-ended questions about her. This is a question that can't be answered with a simple "yes", "no" or a single word. It takes some thought.

For instance, "Do you like it here?" is a close-ended question. "Yes" she says, now what do you do? Instead, you could ask her what she likes about living here. This requires her to start talking - something most women do with ease! Then, you listen and turn her answers into more open-ended questions!

Plan to spend only about 3-5 minutes on this approach. Afterward, just say, "You know, I need to go, but it's been fun getting to know you. Here, write down your number on this paper and I'll call you sometime to do it again." Then, hand her a pen and paper and you're off!

Could it really be this simple? Yes, it is - and YOU can do it!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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