Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/28/2007

Question
my pc restarted by itself. i had written everything out..and it got deleted. so i am just going to give some details.

- i thought she was perfect. we had an awesome month.
-she got a job and she didn't have time. i was needy of her...but she had no time for us. we took a break.
-she wanted to show love to eachother still. kisses, hugs, see each other regularly.
- yet she started to treat me like crap, and ignore me and play games with me.
- so i took initiative and broke it all off. friendship and everything. since i didn't want to go chasing after her.
- we start missing each other. we start talking again. i just wanted to be friends but she starts showing affection and i start thinking she wants more then just a friendship.
-but she starts sending mixed vibes. asks if i love her..tells me i am the nicest guy she has ever dated. yet on the side she treats me like crap, give me a cold shoulder, talks to me rudely, yet she then shows another side and talks nicely and shows a very sweet side and loving side.
-she can't handle serious conversations. she throws temper tantrums or gets annoyed. she is bipolar.
- i am confused and stressed. i have told her how i felt. i wanted to know where i stand. i didn't want a relationship right now....but i want to know if we are heading towards one or if we should just drop it all. i really don't know what to do. i want to wait it out. i try to ask her what is going on and she doesn't answer..she just beats around the bush. i reallly like her. alot.
-i told her how i felt. she reacted like i expected and i told her i expected that. she calmed down and sort of talked to me. i laid it all out. i've been trying to milk it out of her for two days. and i have given her the chance twice to put me down so i can just walk away... but she never did. she told me " look, you probably don't think i care...but i do. " and she walked off to her class. next day i try to milk it out of her... and i basically just said " do you want me" and she just said "eh?" it was on a text message. i started talking to her and three hours pass. she just says " i had no battery before..i am at work. i'll talk to you later...maybe."
-so now i sit here and wait.

what is your opinion in this situation?

Answer
Hello Alex!

In almost every case where a women is interested in you but mistreats you, starts to nag you or can't seem to find time even though she begs to be together with you; she's trying to get you to stand up and be the man in the relationship.

Being the man involves setting the course, not waiting for her to do it or to tell you what to do. There's a ton of psychology behind this that I'm not going to get into, but the bottom line is this: women can't feel love if they don't feel secure and they can't feel secure if the guy they're with isn't taking the power-roll in the relationship.

Women will rarely just tell you to man-up and use all sorts of misdirected tools to try to get you to be him. Look at all the misdirection she's throwing you here. That should be a strong clue to you, but in fact, we guys don't communicate in this way and that's why most of us miss this.

Stop trying to text or email her about things. You need a face-to-face with her. Otherwise you'll just continue to get more "eh?" to your clear, specific questions. You need to look her in the eye and stop asking her what she wants - TELL HER what she wants instead.

Tell her that you're not going to put up with any more of these games. She's going to clear her Friday night (or whenever) and be ready to go out with you precisely on time. I'd also suggest you even tell her what you want her to wear!

When you pick her up, don't say, "So, what do you want to do?" This just tells her you weren't seriuos in the first place. Decide what YOU want to do and go have fun. Even if she suggests something else (which she's very likely to do as yet another test) tell her that you'll do that with her some other time, but you already have plans.

You also need to tell her how you expect her to act from here on in. Tell her that you know she's busy, but that doesn't mean she can avoid you and what you're building together. She'll start making time for you both or you're going to find someone that will.

Notice that this isn't "chasing after her". It's leading her instead. You're also going to notice one more thing: she's going to stop throwing all these tests at you and will actually revert to that sweet, loving girl you first met. I have to tell you, this attitude is like a magic pill or something. All she wants you to do is to be the man SHE met - and believes you can be!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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