Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/7/2006

Question
Well i've been dating this beautiful woman for about 10 months now.  We went to the same college and finally started dating after getting to knwo each other.  This all happend last year.  Well I graduated and then she graduated and moved back to Eygpt...where shes from.  Well before she moved back to Egypt for the summer we would hang out basically all day everyday.  She went home, and we didnt see each other for about 2 and a half months where I flew to Germany to visit for two weeks.  Germany is where her mother is from.  She paid for my ticket and most of the expenses.  We hungout with her friends in Germany for about a week and then went to Spain to hang out at the beach for a week...was an amazing trip.  Well after I left...late August...she went back to Germany to finish up a few courses to finalize her graduating and I went back to school to manage at a bar.  So I worked and she studied and we woudl talk almost everyday...usually from me getting $10 phone cards to talk to her for about 33 min.  Well, she eventually came back to the states to visit on Homecoming which was about a month and a half after our european trip...and well she was only there for a weekend and the trip didnt go well.  Her friends had purchased her ticket so I guess she felt obligated to hangout with them the whole time...which she didnt...she probalby hung out with me the majority of the time.  Anyhow, this time was spent arguing and fighting...we argue alot...usually because i'm jealous...an issue im addressing.  But this jealousy I think has pushed her over the edge...I woudl accuse her of things and it would hurt her feelings.  The thing is...we are crazy about each other...i love and care for her more than anything...she knows that shes the woman of my dreams and she tells me constantly that she wants to have my kids and that im everything she wants in a man.  Well after that weekend of arguing...we almost broke up.  We talked when she went back to Germany and she basically told me that she wanted me to move out of that town and fly out to see her as soon as possible.  So I did.  I quit at the bar and moved back home with in 3 weeks.  Quitting and moving back was the best decision becuz i was over worked and underpaid and abusing drugs...which caused me to act a certain way.  Thank God I left.  Anyhow, as soon as I moved back home I flew out to see her at her German school.  I stayed for two weeks and all we basically did was have sex.  Im addicted to her body, mind, and soul...I dont see myself ever desiring another woman like I do her.  Well the trip went well...we traveled around to a few cities in Germany talking, walking, eating...the things we love to do with each other...and well I left after two weeks.  It was a good trip with maybe 1 or 2 arugments fueled by my jealousy.  Well as soon as I got back it was Thanksgiving and the weekend was around the corner.  Well on a saturday night I got on the internet and logged into my facebook account and saw some guy had posted on her facebook wall.  Wasnt anything bad or worth being suspicious over but I flipped out and started accusing her of things...holy shit im such an idiot. :(  Well we talked and she feels that i'm not the woman for...that she doesnt make me happy and that there is somebody better for me out there.  Well I disagree, i'll never want or love another woman as I do her and she knows that i'm the man of her dreams.  So now she feels i'll never change and that she doesnt see her self giving me another chance.  Cus that means it would be chance #75 and she doesnt want to wait around for it to happen for the 76th time.  But I told her...the fact that she broke up with me...its traumatizing...and it would be a shame if she didnt see the impact she's influenced on my life to change.  Now, the thing is...this is her last week of courses and she has a few papers due, some of 20 pages in length...and after this weekend...shes moving back to Germany for a week to stay with her mom and than back to Egypt to spend xmas with her father...she has no job lined up and doesnt really know what she wants to do.  She's told me before that if she moves back to the states it would be because of me and I repect that.  I'm willing to do anything to be with this woman...omg, I picked up and left town to move back home when she told me to. I just don't know what to think...she's convinced we'll see each other again..but im scared.  I love her so much and don't want to see another guy sweep her off her feet.  She knows shes my everything and she would tell me constantly that i'm hers.  She's told me numerous times that she wants to be the mother of my children and even once told after we broke up that she even considering while in Germany to stop taking her birth-control tha way I would always be in her life.  Now I dont know what to do or think.  I've been traumatized before by a woman...my first...and we basically had an argument and never spoke again...holy crap, worst summer of my life totally changed me...and thats why I have this jealousy issue.  I seem to look out for my own feelings bu tin the process seem to forget about hers...and when I think about it...god it hurts so much.  I don't know what to do...this is her last week of school.  We both still love eachother very much and both claim this to be the hardest thing every.  What should I think?  My friends say to give her time to think it out...they know where good for each other...the bad thing is, I dont think her friends like me...and I think they are getting into her head. :(  please help me.  I'm 24 and she's 23.  Both college grads of the same school.  She was in a sorority and I played football.  We're crazy about eachother...so why are we torturing each other?

Answer
Hello George!

Distance.

George, I have to tell you a very important fact: long-distance relationships NEVER, EVER work out. That's the way it is. You can't love someone enough to make them work out. Trust me, I see this same problem literally every day from people like you and your girlfriend.

Here's the reality: the distance creates so many problems (and jealousy is just one of them!) that you can't "fix" by just being in love. You don't know what she's doing when you're not talking to her; nor does she know what you're doing. When important events happen in your lives, you can't be there for each other, but others can.

What do you think will eventually happen then?

George, you either have to solve this distance problem right away by one of you moving or you need to get over the hurt, heal and move on if you can't. No advice I give you is going to solve the distance problem.

But, before you decide to just pick up and move your live elsewhere, think about this. You already have a life right where you are - and so does she. More important, you don't have that relationship any more. Just moving isn't going to answer that last issue.

You both need to put the emotion aside (yes, I know you don't want to) and look at this practically. Consider this little factoid as well: there are thousands of incredible women that you'll meet right there in your own backyard. Let's say that you met one of these and stayed put. How would your life be then? Sure, you'd miss your girlfriend, but that fades and now you're on your original path, in your original location with someone else - and trust me, equally great.

We naturally want to react with our hearts, but we have to live with our heads. Unfortunately, that's where you also have to do your planning.

Trust me, you're never going to solve the relationship problems without first fixing the distance problems.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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