Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/5/2008

Question
QUESTION: I am a senior inhigh school. I used to be fat and when i started playing sports and working out, i lost weight. Now i am an attractive young man. I've had a couple of girl friends, but for quite some time now there has been a drought. I can only talk to females out side of school, but when i am interested in a girl from my school, i freeze up, i become lost for words and it seems like girls lose interest in me. I'm always told, i am attractive, but why cant i get any girl i want that i go to school with? what tactics can i use to become somwhat sucessfull?

ANSWER: Hello Sean!

Why would you want to be "somewhat successful" when you could be massively successful instead??? The skills you need for one are identical for the other!

Yes, this is simply about skills and one more thing: attitude. Right now, you're still carrying around that unconfident, fat kid's attitude instead of the new, bold, confident one that matches your new look.

Consider this: instead of freezing up, what if you were to walk right up to any girl - in your school or not - and just say, "Hey - what's your name?" First of all, she'll tell you. Then, you have some context in order to keep the conversation going.

What's "context"? Simple: it's what you and she have in common at that very moment in time at that very place. It's a really simple approach! Your context could be anything from a class you have together to the fact that your locker is 4 doors down from hers. It could be that you are at the same school or even that you live in the same town. It could be absolutely anything!

What you need to do is to learn to recognize context and then to ask open-ended questions in order to get her talking. When she's talking you can learn her language systems and "mirror" them (which means to match them.) By doing this, you'll develop deep rapport and connection which turns into attraction. Finally, you close for a phone number or even an impromptu date.

Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and click on Self Help. From there, you'll find my FAQ's which will tell you more about context and about how to talk in open-ended questions.

Sean, the bottom line however is that all of the technique in the world isn't going to help you until you get out of that fat-kid attitude. You've got to see yourself as worthy of these girls, but trust me on this: get a few numbers and you're attitude is going to change pretty dramatically!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well i've had some success from your advice, it truly works when one just says"oh what the hell,why not?" and goes for it. Thats all good, but there is this one thing bothering me, almost a year ago i met a girl who noticed my new look. She was nice, but at the same time very agressive for a girl. We ended up dating after a fewdays of talking. We went out for about 3 months, it was great and i had never been with a girl like her. Of course things somehow went sour and she started acting differently. When it was over we would talk and she would act like she was on another level then myself. This shocked me because everyone told me how she was a major pot head and slept with about 20 guys. She confirmed this as well. The girl hurt me in April and i still hurt. How can i get over the embarassment? this is now like me

Answer
Hello again Sean!

When you've spent most of your life being the fat kid, you're not going to change that attitude overnight. In fact, it could take a number of years - and girlfriends - to really get over this.

Your new look prompted greater strength in your approach, but it hasn't trickled down into your dating/relationship life yet. She dumped you simply because she saw what was weak deep down. This is where you need to focus your efforts to grow and change - at the core, not the surface.

Many guys write to me on how to be more confident with women because they've heard that's important. The problem with confidence is that you never get to "own it" - you only get to borrow it from time to time. The trick is to have 1% more confidence than the lack of it. That will soon turn into 2% and then 4% and then 8% and so on.

This is the problem with being looks-focused. You've changed your initial appearance and thus, your initial approach. You've learned some basic skills on how to approach and all of that is working well for you. Now, it's time to work on that inner-Sean.

What's good about you? What do you offer that's unique to you? Everyone has their own custom-core and that's where you need to focus your energies. If you don't yet know what that is, you need to find it. Trust me, it's there.

What you'll discover is that as you find what that core is and begin to embrace it as the unique set of qualities that it is, you'll also grow your core-self-esteem. At the exact same time, that hurt and embarrassement will start to fade because of two reasons:

1) You no longer need it and thus, you simply cast it to the wind. It'll become part of the old Sean.

2) You replace it with something that is much more powerful and worthy of your attention. Since it's going away, your mind begins to forget it - right along with the emotional component it represents.

Sean, this is your next hurdle.

I encourage you to take a look at my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" as these will give you some great tools to kick that process into high-gear.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"