Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/5/2007

Question
QUESTION: Well im a 24 year old guy who is a sucker for love..i was with my x for 2 years off and on due to the way she felt about me.
We had a great relationship, but she just never loved me..she was a very displine person who studied hard,and worked!!!not to forget to include shes a very beautiful girl-model angecies would ask her to model but she didnt like that type of life style.. shes studying to become a doctor..any way she had a very bad x boyfriend who never appreciated that much before me and i was her friend for a while and then we became a couple... i deeply fell in love with this girl..she was my best friend, my girlfriend, my teacher, my mother, my father, my everything..she taught me things in life that i never knew do to not having a father in my life and coming from a broken family..she taught to work and study hard for what i believed in that i wanted..
we had an off and on relatioship cause of some of  those factors and also cause she never learned to love me... she loved me so much as a friend ,but not as a lover..i guess cause her x broke her heart..and i was frustrated cause she didnt love me back..anyway, i moved back to coloimbia where i was born to organize my immigration documents and we had to break it off. Its been a lil more than 2 years since we broke up..ive only dated  1 girl and had many friends since then........but i still cant get over this girl... i write music about her.....i feel that im truamatised...im gonna go back to the states pretty soon when my visa comes in.. but before that.. shes coming in december to visit some family here in colombia..i dont know what to do?
should i look for her when she comes?
i mean i just dont know what to do...and lately i just been following my heart and been sending her my songs that i recorded about her and also sweet things like those things that people send through email about life.. oh she doesnt feel the same way about me..she just wants to be friends..and honestly i dont think till this day she doesnt have a boy friend...cause what she really needed was time off from men
what do you recommend?
sorry so long

ANSWER: Hello Christian!

What a minute...due to the way SHE felt about you? What about the way YOU felt? Just who is in control of this relationship anyway? (Note: it'd better be you or you have some serious problems on your hands here.)

Ok, so as I read the rest of this letter, everything is becoming clear now. You want to blame the ex because he was a jerk, but in fact, this has nothing whatsoever to do with him. It's all about YOU.

Christian, here's why she doesn't return your feelings: she's not a lesbian. You're taking the feminine-child's roll in this relationship rather than being the man. Guess what? That means that SHE has to be the man here! She has to do all the masculine things and never gets to be a woman!

I can't tell you how sad it makes me when women decide to have children without the father around. The reason for this is obvious in your story. You've never had a male roll model and thus, you don't know how men are supposed to think, talk and act. What's particularly sad about that is that this girl NEEDS to have a man in her life, but you aren't it!

You can write all the love songs you want, but all you're doing is digging your own hole with her deeper and deeper.

Christian, this is exactly why I wrote my books - because so many guys today don't know their places in relationships. They believe ridiculous things like that women want "sensative" guys. No, they don't. They want men and in fact crave our power as men. That's how they feel safe, secure, and especially, loved.

You have the compounded problem of being in another country! I want you to go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on LDR's under BAM TV. While you're there, also watch the video on "friends". This will explain why you have to get this solved before anything else.

To your questions:

Should you see her? Yes, if you want to perpetuate the friendship - and nothing else.

As to what you need to do - you need to learn what a man's roll is and start being that man. You didn't say how long you're going to be out of the US, but that is a perfect time to start studying. It's going to take some hard time to break your old non-male patterns and learn new ones. These can't just be an act - they have to completely change or you're never going to get anywhere with her.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: doc, thanks for your response..Mabey ill be back in the USA sometime next year.. I also forgot to mention dat i havent seen her for a lil more than 2 years since i left.You are totally right about the whole being a man thing- no man role model in my life..but Lets say that i do learn to become a real man..and i study it.(where can i acess that information about learning to be a man) My main concern is, do you think that after 2 years of not seeing her and me becoming a man, my x girlfriend..who is my friend will want to be with me again-how do i make her fall in love with me-I mean i know that love is supposed to be natural, but i really love this girl..and i very inspired by her. I dont date other girls because of her..i meet girls but even after 2 years it just not the same.
Heres the most recent email she sent me-about 2 days ago..mabey you can help me out- how you think she feels about me!!

Thank you
Chris

EMAIL

Hello my friend ,

Thank you for your comments. I do not use my space account because it is time consuming. If you want, you can always write me an e-mail. My friend , How is everything going for you? I heard your song, very nice!

I just started classes last monday . I am excited, I am taking an italian class. I love it!!!!!!!! I am also thinking about changing my major. I am considering to get in the dental program. I think is great; I love to interact with people, I love everything that has to do with health, plus it is well paid. We will see what happens. For now I am still taking some pre-requs.

Lots of huges and kisses......my friend......

Ciao, buonanotte ragazzo  jajajjaaa You see I learn fast jajajaj

Johanna  

Answer
Hello again Chris!

If anything the time is going to work to your favor. You're going to need that time to totally change your attitude.

As to where to start learning this, I suggest you start with my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". Check my website. These books are about men's relationships from a man's perspective. My students call them the "BAM Philosophy" ("Being A Man") for a very good reason.

What you need to understand is that if you have the skills behind you, you can create attraction in her - not by writing her songs and confessing your love however, but by BEING the man she craves. Again, the distance and time will only help you here.

What you're also going to find is that you'll want to start dating other girls. She's "safe" for you because she expects nothing. Thus, you can risk your emotions with her without fear. As you build your confidence with women you're naturally going to want to explore that confidence and new-found power with them.

Regarding "natural love"; this is an excellent point. I get so many letters from guys that want to know how to attract women, which in their minds is an active process. In one sense it *is* and active process, but it doesn't happen externally. It happens by changing who the guys themselves are. Frankly, that's a lot of work, but it's the only direction that DOES work.

With regards to the letter, I'm afraid it's a letter from one buddy to another. It's not a love letter, but you can change that. Get to work!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"