Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/8/2007

Question
Hey doc, I really like the advice you give and the direct manner you deliver it
so I hope you'll answer my question.

I have known Y since seventh grade. She was a year older than me, and I got
to talking to her because she signed onto her brother's instant messenger
one fateful day.

Fell out of touch with her since middle school, then found her on facebook
two years ago (freshman/sophomore in college). She remembered me a little,
we started talking, developed a pretty cool friendship. We talked a lot about
sex, guys and girls, flirted a lot. She mentioned to me in this time period that
she prefers to date among her friends, not really strangers. From the advice
of yours that I've read this sounds pretty atypical.

Well I convinced her that she should give school another shot and that she
needed a change of scenery to really get that motivation back. She credits me
with convincing her to relocate a couple hours north and try community
college, then transfer to my university (unfortunately I will have graduated
before she ever transfers out of cc!). Hearing that made me feel great.

Well she came up here and continued her relationship with her boyfriend who
lived in our old town. When she finally made the move I decided to stop
talking sex with her and to cut the flirting because I felt it was best to just
remain friends with her. I was a different person then, in a different state of
mind, and not the most confident guy in the world, so I'm sure as hell glad I
cut the flirting because I'd have made a jackass of myself. I turned off the
attraction which was easy, because as we became better friends I saw more
and more qualities in her that I didn't find that desirable in a girlfriend.

Occasionally that attraction would come back up and I'd smite it right back
down. But this girl is gorgeous. And she won a boob job contest, which I
helped her to win. A couple weeks ago I slyly asked if I could feel them, and
she let me...well I got a little carried away with it and molested her, then gave
them the twins a nice, gingerly kiss. I wasn't too sure if she was just laughing
as a nervous reaction or if she was turned on by it!

I found out the next day that it wasn't nervous because she asked me online
"soo did you tell everyone you got to molest my boobs." Nothing really
changed in the way we talk (it's mostly online) so I can't tell if she is showing
more interest lately or not.

Then she broke up with her boyfriend, finally! She didn't really talk about it, I
just noticed it on her status on facebook and asked her about it.

I've asked a couple girls and they think she likes me since she's as cool (if not
more cool) with me after the boob day. I feel like I might just continue to
ignore the attraction, but damn the boob deal really brought back the
attraction. Confusion abound, cognitive dissonance ahoy!

She's a cool enough girl that if I told her I had feelings for her (it's mostly just
physical attraction) she wouldn't let it bother her if she didn't feel the same
way. I'm not really looking for a hugely committed relationship, just interested
in seeing how this could turn out. And I've had the fantasy since 7th grade. I
would really regret it if it turned out bad, because I value the friendship we
have, but in the long term I think it would be worth it for the shot of having
an intimate relationship.

Also, she really does know more about me than I know about her. She was
often the person I would tell my problems, issues, etc. She really helped me
through them. She was by far the best listener and the best giver of advice.
I'm not sure if this helps me or if it's bad.

What do you think, Z? Continue to hang out, see where things go now that
she's single? Tell her?

Answer
Hello!

What are you a mathmatician? "X", "Y", "Z"???  ;)

Let's begin with this: whenever a girl tells you she prefers to date "friends" (or even if you see a personal ad where a woman says she wants to be "friends first" or is looking for a "friend") don't you believe it! It's nothing but subterfuge. She's trying to see if you'll take the friends bait so you'll instantly take yourself out of the running. Trust me, she doesn't want a friend, she wants a man that knows better!

All of this leads to your answer: if you confess your attraction to her, you're going to lose the friendship AND her.

Right now, you're "safe". She doesn't have to worry about you going for anything more because you've proved to her that you're just her "friend". You've also told me you don't want to lose that - which you absolutely will if you try to move this forward.

You're going to have to pick a side already. What do you really want? If you really want the friendship, you need to move on emotionally and find someone else to date. The friendship is going to dissolve if you tell her how you feel. It has to regardless of the outcome!

If you want something more with her, you need to realize how you've shot yourself in the foot and how unlikely it is (now) that you'll have anything more.

Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and look at the short video on "friends" under BAM TV. Then, click on Self Help and read my FAQ's where I link to 3 articles about all of this. Get a real perspective of what you're trying to do and see if you still want to move things forward or not.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"